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I dunno.
9 years ago
General
Want something quilted or written special for you or someone special? Talk to me about it, & maybe we can work something out!!!
I'm posting here because I'm pretty sure at this point nobody reads these, & that's really & truly okay right now. I need to put my thoughts down somewhere so I can come back later when my head clears & try to make sense.
Buhr is hurting & won't let me in to fix it. He admits that it's something he needs to work on, opening emotionally at all. He was raised in a culture that didn't encourage it, so it's hard for him. Having major depression isn't helping.
It's making it hard for me to stay excited about wedding planning, which I so badly want to do because holy crap I'm getting married to someone who only wants the best for me & we bring out the best in each other & do our best to support each other through "episodes". That has my family worried that I don't want to go through with the wedding, that I'm not excited. My grandmother just bought my dress...it's beautiful, I feel beautiful in it. But I'm just so...I don't know? Feeling lost because I'm more worried about the guy I'm marrying than the wedding. I know there's some people that are probably going to look down their nose at me & say I'm jumping into marrying Buhr too fast, since I was with Blu so long, and then I was with Buhr & Eliot & Fin... Technically, Fin & I are still a thing, & Buhr's okay with it.
I'm stressed about finances, but I won't ask for help-help, if anything I'll just try to plug my Pink Zebra stuff more, have more sales, make more stuff & post it on twitter & here. :/ My parents (whom I live with) are at risk of losing their home for a long and convoluted reason that makes me want to beat my sister-in-law. But per my psychiatrist, I wouldn't actually do that. Because I'm really quite non-confrontational. Go figure. I get ragey but make it all internal. I am more likely to cry when I'm angry than do anything else.
I dunno guys. I just...I want to help my friends that are hurting, but I'm barely keeping my own head above water right now. That almost feels selfish, I used to be the kind of person who would drown myself to put someone on my shoulders so they'd be okay, but I just can't do that anymore. & I'm afraid it lost me friends. I dunno.
Buhr is hurting & won't let me in to fix it. He admits that it's something he needs to work on, opening emotionally at all. He was raised in a culture that didn't encourage it, so it's hard for him. Having major depression isn't helping.
It's making it hard for me to stay excited about wedding planning, which I so badly want to do because holy crap I'm getting married to someone who only wants the best for me & we bring out the best in each other & do our best to support each other through "episodes". That has my family worried that I don't want to go through with the wedding, that I'm not excited. My grandmother just bought my dress...it's beautiful, I feel beautiful in it. But I'm just so...I don't know? Feeling lost because I'm more worried about the guy I'm marrying than the wedding. I know there's some people that are probably going to look down their nose at me & say I'm jumping into marrying Buhr too fast, since I was with Blu so long, and then I was with Buhr & Eliot & Fin... Technically, Fin & I are still a thing, & Buhr's okay with it.
I'm stressed about finances, but I won't ask for help-help, if anything I'll just try to plug my Pink Zebra stuff more, have more sales, make more stuff & post it on twitter & here. :/ My parents (whom I live with) are at risk of losing their home for a long and convoluted reason that makes me want to beat my sister-in-law. But per my psychiatrist, I wouldn't actually do that. Because I'm really quite non-confrontational. Go figure. I get ragey but make it all internal. I am more likely to cry when I'm angry than do anything else.
I dunno guys. I just...I want to help my friends that are hurting, but I'm barely keeping my own head above water right now. That almost feels selfish, I used to be the kind of person who would drown myself to put someone on my shoulders so they'd be okay, but I just can't do that anymore. & I'm afraid it lost me friends. I dunno.
My fiance lives in the UK, I live in Michigan and his culture as well, isnt an 'lets be open and talk about our problems' kind of culture. Its a 'lets keep everything to ourselves even if its our FIANCE OF SIX YEARS begging us to let her in' kind of culture..
He also has major depression and when it hits I find it very difficult to be positive myself.
We're getting married next year and its been rough - we've been apart six months now, since the last time we saw each other, and it will be closer ten when we finally do.
Its hard to be positive, and think about wedding stuff when you have to do most of it apart.
On top of that I have a lot of mental and emotional abuse and uncertianty going on in my life IRL and that adds to the pressure of finding a way to get together.
I'm completely with you.
I know exactly what you're going through and its also a struggle for me.
If you ever want a vent session, my inbox is always open :)
Idk, ifts just one of those things ya know?
If you ever want to talk not in journal feel free to note me or DM me :)