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Another life update. Please read this.
9 years ago
General
Hey guys.
I need to talk to you for a min.
Just vent out everything that has happened.
Its all going down so fast.
So as you all know,
Panelape and I were engaged to be married.
I worked all year last year to gain enough to get a house for us and our dog 🐶
Well i got our house for us.
Pan didnt like me still doing that job i did all year last year because i was on the road all the time.
Im not a "holier than tho "
I didnt like it either.
Pan begged me to quit and get a job as a server for a sit and eat place one of our mutual friends worked at.
After some time
I agreed.
I quit that job.
Went 2 weeks without a job
Running out of food.
Overdrafting my bank card.
Trying to survive.
In time i got the server job.
Didnt much care for this job for the fact i didnt make enough.
But
I sucked it up and got up to work everyday i had work.
My car,
It messed up and wouldnt even turn over.
So,
In time
My car got repoed.
So you might say
"Oh Jason, there has to be a silver lineing to all of this! Give us the good news already!"
Hahahahaha
Right.
Just keep reading.
So my bills lapsed.
My insurance
My lights
My Internet
My rent.
Everything lapsed.
So this brings me to a few days before valentines day.
Guys,
Pan and I were not the amazing couple you saw in my art.
We werent lovey dovey all the time.
We had been fighting,
(Bad fights Nothing physical yet but kicking doors down, screaming, calling names, tearing each other down, dislikeing the very sight of each other)
Just about the whole time we lived in this house.
So,
Here we were.
Few days before valentines day,
like last year btw,
And we talked.
I had had a bad day and all i wanted to do is cry.
Because of the fighting all the time, for about a month i had been depressed and i wanted to die.
Not even commit suicide.
I juat didnt want to live anymore.
I forgot who i am.
I lost myself.
Pan and i talked and we broke up.
Mutually.
No fight about it.
Just a even break.
We are no longer together.
And its ok.
Lets fast forward a lil bit.
This past Tuesday.
I got a paper on my door.
Yep
You already know.
Eviction.
I have 10 days to be out of my house.
Panic did set in.
Pan went out with our mutual friends for the night while i staied home and was scared out my freaking mind.
I called my mom early that day after finding out i was being evicted.
And my mother told me i couldnt come back home.
Again
Im ok with that.
I told her my situation.
That night, mom called me back.
We talked.
I called my old boss from the job i quit from last year.
I asked for my job back.
He told me no.
Again.
Im ok with that because i deserved that.
He asked why im asking for my job back amd i told him.
He told me to put my application back in and he would see what he could do.
God has his hand on me guys.
So,
I called my step dad.
I thanked him because he told my mom to let me come home and helping me get that job back.
He doesnt have to do that and yet he does anyway.
So mom and i talked again and she told me to get my stuff packed and she would come the next day.
If i didnt come home that next day, i wouldnt be coming home.
So im between a rock and my feelings.
I dont want to leave pan with nothing.
She has no where to go.
We still fought after the break up about stupid mess but i still didnt want to leave her stranded and hungry.
I bout a lil bit of food i could and left it in the cabinet.
Pan came home to me packing and talking to my mother.
I got off the phone and she asked me if i was leaving.
Yes.
I am.
And i did.
Pan called our now EX mutual friends and they messaged me that im screwing them over with the server job because they stuck there necks out to get this job and by me quiting it, its going to look bad on them. And im not a friend at all. They done with me.
Ok.
I got to accept this.
Eat all my feelings and just take it.
Well
Pan and i had a talk that night and didnt have all that bad of a night.
So yesterday,
My mom showed up early in the mornin and i packed a good bit of my things.
And i left.
A few things have been said on social media and im feeling a little bit better about letting go.
Guys i built a realationship with her for 2 and a half years.
We got 5 years of friendship total.
I left that house and her.
And a part of me still feels bad cause i couldnt help her more.
Doesnt matter how many fights we had or how bad they were, she still is a human being and has needs.
Food , water, shelter.
And thats something i couldnt give her before i left.
I left some food and her friends gave her some food as well.
But she still has 8 days to get out that house.
No job or anything.
Im so scared for her.
So,
Me and mom left and i went to that server job that i was "fucking them over" with and i told the manager that i had to quit. He asked why and was very open minded to what i told him.
I was truthfull about everything. I asked him 2 times not to let any of this come back to bite Pans friends in the butt. It isnt fair to them.
And the manager told me not to worry about that.
He said it would be ok.
So i didnt screw anyone out of anything.
Im home now.
Mom is helping me get started again.
Im so scared but im also broken.
I got a shower yesterday.
It felt so nice to be clean.
Im not going back.
Pan and i are offically broken up. Her ring is sold and im gone.
The world is open to us both.
I have plans for myself.
I want to do online schooling.
While working this 10 hour a day job when i get it back.
I need so much right now but most important,
I need my friends.
My true friends.
Imma call out a few that has staied close during this.
FidoK9
Kenny (my nigga! You already know my dude!)
Kiba ^W^
Heather (my Buddy!)
Chime kitty
These people have been talking to me none stop and trying to help me.
You guys are amazing and i hope i get to help yall to the same measure yall are helping me by just being there.
I love you all.
Thank you for being there.
Now some may say im wrong for leaving Pan the way i did.
Yes i told her i would stay until the end of the eviction.
But if youll read what my mom told me.
If i didny leave yesterday i wasnt gunna get to come home.
So i had to benifit me and push forward.
Yeah i looked out for my best interest and left.
But i did all i could for pan before leaving.
I still care about her.
I still love her.
Just not "in love" with her.
I wish Panelape the best.
I dont hate her.
So,
Take what you will from this.
If you deem me a terrable person for this,
So be it.
Unwatch me.
Block me.
Defriend me.
Erase me from your life.
Im sorry.
But those who choose to stay,
Thank you
Imma wrap this up before i start rambleing more.
I love you all and I wish you all the best.
I´m sorry to hear that ...I don´t know what I should say so...
* gives a big hug *
Everything is gunna be ok.
Thats a lot
But its all gunna be ok.
Just think of the footsteps on the beach...you will make it through this
Imma hold that close. For real thank you.