The Honest Truth -- gangstaguru's Journal -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

The Honest Truth

8 years ago

I can't keep this away any longer, its driving me bloody insane.



Remember that journal I posted I few weeks back stating why I've been slow. Well I haven't told you all of the truth. Not saying anything I mentioned was a lie, I just didn't mention one thing that's been going on. Something I probably should've mentioned way earlier, and probably been the biggest factor.



I'm just going to be blaint with this. 



I've lost my love and want to draw.



It just doesn't make me happy anymore. It's just has been that way for the last couple of months. 

I want things to be back to what it was, but I can't do it. I feel drawing not only for other people, but even for myself is now a big burden. One big fault in me which I doubt will ever change, I avoid things which become a burden. Burden brings on pressure, which I can't deal with at all. Pressure instantly triggers my stress and depression in a bad way.



Like today, I tried streaming for the first time in a couple of months. Spent four hours on there, half of that time I just sat in my chair, inches away from breaking down. I almost did that last night, as well as many other nights in the last two months. I've been put on pressure to finish the commission I'm currently working on. And to be quite frank, the person who I'm doing this for has every right to do so. At the same time though, it's narking up what's been keeping me from put the pen to pad, yet I really want to get this done for this guy. But I'm struggling to, because I don't want to draw. I've been even feeling physically sick as of late when working on drawing (whenever I have the strength if there's any of that left in me). 



I do not want to disappoint people, that's something I've done for a lot of my life is just being a big old disappointment. But I'm really in trouble. I don't want the love for this to diminish, but it has. I want to get it back, but I'm lost in finding any way to do so. To be honest, I can't do this by myself, but I'm not willing to have other people do things for me. There have been times where I've just about had enough and just want to refund everyone their money and pack my drawing tools away forever.



One thing that's probably not helped, is not having much other artist friends to talk to. The very few artist friends I do have I feel I've asked too much to the point where they don't want to deal with me and my problems anymore. People have either not taken me seriously, not wanting to talk to me anymore, saying they don't know what to do, or I've just plain lost contact with them and I feel as if I can't go back and start talking with them again. I haven't really bother to make friends with other artists, just because I feel I'm not good enough to talk to them and that I feel like as if I'm mooching off them. And if any of you guys read this, and don't want to ever talk to me again, you may do so. Knowing how much my opinions and feelings seem to hurt people as of lately, its becoming a norm for me now so it's not going to do much but damage myself more.



I've kept myself from speaking to anyone within the community because of the same reasons. I just don't want to bother having people not being able to deal with me anymore. I've avoided social networks to try and help this, but it hasn't. 



So I'm going to do what I can from the current list, if I can. Hopefully in wishful thinking I can finish off most of what's there in whatever time that could take. If I come to a point where I absolutely can't do anymore because I'm a gutless quitter, I will refund what I can. 



And just a heads up, if I end up deciding to quit drawing altogether. I'm probably going to cease my involvement within the community period. Because if I'm not drawing, I'm not worth much to people here.



Sorry

Current Working List -  30th of January, 2022



Art Queue




Awaiting Art From..



 KlausD - Trade piece/2016

 Anthropornorphic - Commission/2016







 Telegram Art Channel

10 Comments

Amarok97 ~amarok97

Watcher

8 years ago

I'm really sad to hear this, but I understand you. But know something...me, I dont like you as an artist, I like you as a friend. If you stop drawing, you dont need to leave the fandom. There are people here who like you for who you are and not only your art skills. It would be a great lost for me to lost you.
Your good friend Amarok (yeah I let my name on every long message loll)

Gaussly ~gaussly

Robofox

8 years ago

Sorry about how your feeling but you shouldn't leave the fandom based on what other use or want you for. If you don't wanna draw anymore, so what that's your choice and it shouldn't make you leave because you think you don't offer anything to the fandom. Think of all the people who just watch artists and don't draw or suit or anything other then watch. They are in the fandom because they injoy it and not because the bring any art to the table. So don't just leave because you don't draw, leave because you don't wanna be in the fandom.

onlytolook ~onlytolook

Onlooker

8 years ago

Guru... you don't need to contribute artwork to this community to be welcomed. You're here sharing, giving your time to people, opening up. You shouldn't feel guilty for having a hard time with art, it happens to every creative person though I know saying that doesn't really help. If you can't summon strength to finish commissions, refunds would be good so that should you decide later on to get back into the scene you'll have a good rep still! As far as I'm concerned you needn't push yourself to finish our trade, you can scratch that off your list no bother, I don't want you to feel any pressure about it!

I'm sorry I'm not very good at giving substancial advice, but I hope you feel better soon. Take a break, focus on some down time, some you time. Do other things you love. Try not to sweat it!

FoxMcC ~foxmcc

Fursuiter

8 years ago

Who says you need to create or collect art to be welcome here? If you no longer want to draw, just stop. You should only leave if you legitimately don't want to be here, not because you don't want to draw anymore!

catsithx ~catsithx

Writer

8 years ago

I dont know what to really say. It happens a lot to people i know. Yet there is little i can do to help.

Its not that people dont wnat to listen to you or not help you. They just do t know how to help. Beyond being there for you most cant do much else.
Still know that as long as you have a life line of thoae who care they will always pull you out of this.

Also will be on more on discord. When i can.

Vorktheartist ~vorktheartist

Egg overlord/artist/fursuiter

8 years ago

Guru, I know the feeling you have. I'm not too great with long comments and such, but if you ever need someone to talk to. Even to just say everything to get it off your chest, you've got a shoulder here. You're never a burden to say how you feel. The fandom isn't just a place for art either. So don't feel the need to leave here. There are many who look up to you. Hang in there alright?