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I once had a friend...
8 years ago
General
His name was JC.
I met him just before I became a furry. I was pretty lonely at the time, didn't have many friends. He was one of the random contacts that I ended up chatting to after chatrooming. He was sweet and kind.
We met, went to a mall, he was a bit happy and somewhat hyper at the same time. But to others he was pretty quiet.
Strange
We stopped talking for a few years, till University 2nd year when he started University in the same department as I did.
Art Major
I didn't recognize him back then, I'm sure he probably didn't recognize me either. Our class had a project going on, we had to introduce ourselves and interview the first years at our department. I was rebounding, I went from one guy to another because I broke up with someone that truly cared for me. The point being I saw someone really handsome in his class. I wanted to interview a girl and a boy and that boy was...something else. I don't know what he did but...he was straight and I shouldn't of crushed so damn hard on him.
The girl, was JC's friend, even when she told me 'PLEASE INTERVIEW HIM' I said I wanted to have someone else who was dynamic and probably not friends with. JC looked sad.
Depression
I crushed so hard on that guy, and I interviewed the girl, she was so excitable but she really wanted me to interview JC. Who was this JC?
JC
One day a few months later I was waiting to be picked up by my grandmother. JC was standing 2 feet away from me.
"Talk to him"
I wanted to, but I was too shy to. I'm not the most willing person to socialize back then. I mean I just started gaining friends. And I mean it was now or never. My gran arrived.
"I didn't have a chance to..."
I had a sweet life back then, study, game, free accommodation, didn't worry about much.
"I should have spoken to him then"
I didn't get another chance to talk to JC after that...
My art major got more hectic. Theory and communication studies with my practicals was hard enough...but the teachers weren't helping me at all. I was being bullied.
"Where was I, when he..."
I skipped classes because I had no one to help me out. I was becoming more lonely. No one understood me. And they asked me things like "Do you fuck dogs?" I mean I don't...I just draw furries.
"Where was he?"
Years after I graduated from university. I recalled a boy named JC. And remembered him...he was a friend. Why didn't I approach him back then?
One day I went to a friend's house and one of his close friends were there. She was nice. I approached her.
"What did she say?"
"Hey, you are that girl that hung with JC, right?" I asked
"Yeah...did you know him?" She replied
"Yea, we used to be friends but something happened and I think we just lost track of time, how is he?" I pried.
I should of approached him
He committed suicide...
...
.
.
He struggled with his sexuality and after a huge breakup with his last boyfriend...he couldn't handle it anymore... they found him hung...
Regret
I told myself to 'Talk to him' but my gran arrived so 'I didn't have a chance to...' speak with him. But I could have, I was free, I could of interviewed him but 'Where was I, when he...' was suffering with depression?! 'Where was he?' Crying when I could of helped. I keep telling myself...the words that she told me about his suicide...I keep going on thinking. How would you know until it's too late? 'I should of approached him' and now I have 'Regret' that I didn't save a friend I once knew.
Suicide is a real thing, even if it's not clear or visible to us...we need to be there for everyone, be kind, help...approach. Make them feel noticed. For those who have lost their lives to bullying, acceptance, abuse, tragedy...we need to come together as a society...stop ignoring people. Brave up, conquer your anxiety...make them feel noticed.
For JC
I am blessed to be surrounded by people who understand and stave off the more darker emotions. I recently thought about ending my life last month because I felt alone and broken. My friends reached out to me and are constantly the pillar in my life. I still suffer from time to time, even earlier today when I heard my parent talking negatively about "faggots" without knowing that I am one and a furry.
I live a life with a mask and I know from experience it is not an easy thing to do. It is almost unbearable. If you ever need someone to talk too, I'd be more then happy to lend an ear friend.
Best regards.
But listen Nannuk you can't help what happened like that girl said, how did you know what was going to happen? You were also incredibly busy come slightly later. Just know that next time don't be scared just to say hey and offer a few kind words here or there. You would be surprised how much it will help that person. Whether your crushing on them or just being a good person/friend.
Your a good person at heart and don't forget that. JC is in a better place now than us, take heart in knowing that.
edit: Art students are assholes...most of them
I feel grief for you in what you wrote, but I would say try not be too eaten by this (granted it is easier to say than do). Maybe you were there when he needed it and his excitement hid is pain back in the day.
You have a good heart to think of others and their well-being
I find, unfortunately, that death is a bit too common everywhere. One day riding home from court I saw a man chest down on the sidewalk with a cop and some other people around him. Seems to find people in the most awkward ways...
Anyhoo, yah those people who lose themselves in lies and evil deeds will buy their own reward if they keep going down that path. It's always hard to watch.
But those who choose to take a life...-shakes head- not right.
Confidence does go a long way towards inner peace. Hopefully more will discover what it takes to live that way. Something about the newest generation.... all of the upheaval will test them in a different way than their ancestors and their troubles I think. Still, there is plenty of hope.
Death seems to be rather wasteful in the sense of murder and perhaps also war.
What shocked us all was that he never showed any signs. He was always happy-go-lucky. But that's the scary thing about depression. You huge your true feelings to the loved ones around you and before you know it, it might be too late.
I'm terribly sorry to hear this :(
I say to an extent because these days I hold little compassion for humans in general - but let me start at the beginning so that maybe you can see my perspective a little better.
At the age of five I too seriously contemplated suicide - after the breakup of my parents and several unpleasant events related to that. Yet I am still around - for one single reason: Stubborness and defiance. I simply loathed the idea more that life would this way triumph over me than I loathed my existence. So I remained alive (more or less), became more and more introverted and for round about 20 years I time and time again had to first-hand experience the worst traits of humans: egoism, greed, abuse, bullying and several more. This shaped me into a very wary creature who is to this day loath to trust. I very much prefer the company of animals over that of humans most of the time. In fact those 20 years have caused my emotions to become largely alien to me since I began denying them around age 16 (if I don't have feelings my feelings couldn't get hurt, right?) Then, around age 26 or 27 when I unknowingly had slipped into the dark abyss that is depression I encountered a few people who were genuinely kind to me and I began to re-evaluate my perspective on humanity. In the end they became the few and highly appreciated exceptions from the generally not overly caring mass of humanity in my perspective. And little by little I rediscovered my emotions - although I even now sometimes struggle dealing with said emotions since at heart I am a very sensitive and compassionate person and in the first years after rediscovering them they felt as powerful as a hurricane raging within me. Today I am coping with all this by reserving my caring and my compassion to those who I see being kind - either to myself or to others. And - to come full circle on the topic of the journal - through your writing you have shown to me that you are one such kind person - which is why I wish to reach out to you and try to console you since you are clearly struggling with the situation you described. Could things have gone differently if you had reached out to JC? Maybe - but it's a big maybe since depending on his depression he might not even have realized you trying to help him - although the attempt surely wouldn't have hurt. BUT was it possible for you to reach out to him? from what I read I would say no since you were at that time too occupied with your crush first and your studies later on. Are you to blame for that? Again, I woud say no - for two reasons. Firstly our emotions are largely beyond our control so long as we acknowledge their existence. We cannot control who we fall in love with and if so how much of our time we devote to that potential relationship. Secondly putting your studies first speaks quite a bit of focus and determination which in itself is not a bad thing in my opinion. It keeps you from getting tangled up and stuck without achieving what you are striving for. On that note being tangled up in caring for people around you instead of finishing what you dedicated yourself to would likely end up in you being frustrated with yourself - which is an invitation for depression. So to get to the point: No, you are not to blame for his death. Is his passing regrettable? Doubtlessly so - your writing makes him look like he was a nice fellow whom I would have liked to come to know, but his passing is not your fault. Don't blame yourself, Nanukk. It would only have you end up being a depressed otter but it wouldn't bring him back. There is a saying which I have found to hold quite a lot of truth: "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans". It means that no matter your intentions you will time and time again encounter situations beyond your control. If you accept those events you may find something to learn from them - much like I learned not to trust easily from the abuse in my past and then learned that not quite all humans are jerks. The remaining question is: What can you learn from JC's death?
I have a ton of regret. If eel like I could have helped prevent it if I kept talking to him. Told him to be safe, he did drugs when he was depressed and took hallucinogens before he died (presumably, the body was far too old and distorted to know)
---
there was another girl that I was good firends with through warcraft, I knew she had a crush on me and I really liked her, but she had really bad fibromyalgia and had the most horrible breakup with her girlfriend. The last thing I remember she told me was she was going to give life a month, then she was going to have her family take her to Oregon and legally commit suicide. I quite WoW, but I tried to keep up with her, sent her texts or emails now and then. She ended up committing suicide just a few years ago.
I still have tons of regret. Your words can always be your last to someone, so please make sure they're good one.
I guess then, once you are aware of it, try to be kind and gentle to all around you... be a lil candle or an ember, so if one is the very dark, seeking a light, even that little can be a blessing to that person.
...from one who lost a cousin to a similar tragedy, yet from a different reason (drugs), I know that pain and those questions.. and how they haunt you years latter when you find yourself less blind and thinking about your past.