I've been absent a while with work and having my friend back and having a money crisis and my sai trial is up but due to the crisis I mentioned I am broke, again, medical bills insurance, general adult shit is getting in my way not only literally but mentally I feel drained from stress so much so even the most simple things just feel like effort, and things I live to do feel more like an obligation than a hobby, I'm just in a rut I guess, but I think I can get out of it, once I'm not so strapped for cash and paranoid about losing my home and everything I've worked for, then I will get on those commissions I planned to open and make my own T.O.S

I have a second job now so things should become a little easier, I just need to get back to drawing, but I feel pressured to start again.. the last few attempts at drawing I made we're awful I'm trying to draw a couple characters interacting for a commission but it's not working, the space, the shapes the background nothing, even the lines were shit and I got really frustrated with it so I'm going to come back to it I just need a minute. It's not payed for yet or anything like that I shouldn't stress, I just hate letting people down I feel like I'm just good at being a flop, I really don't know why, people like me, but maybe that's the problem I feel like I have to be the structure the rock the steady person who takes care of things like magic... but I'm sure that isn't the case I know my people wouldn't put me on a pedestal, I know that nothing is really expected but idk what if it is I feel like I have to be this person who's so hyped up about, this awesome arty girl but I can't always be that... sometimes I wanna stop...but then I feel useless . I wish I wasn't so up and down like this.

Sorry for such a long journal just had to belt it out, what's in my head..