I spent the day weaving between a panic attack and trying, striving, urging, messaging others trying to find a way to fix everything broken inside me. I drive around before I get home looking at industrial parks for a small hole in the wall that I can keep my dieing fire. To big, to expensive, not even sure what I'm looking for, where do I go, what am I looking for. I shake and sob in my car unsure what to do... I shake it off and drive home. Every night I come home... I drop my bag by the door, I look around my house and shiver... 65 degrees, I keep it cold to numb myself. I trudge through my house, I eat a few bites of food brought to me by the person I love more than anything, I wish it would last forever. I've been mostly skipping dinner, having a single glass of beer instead after working out like some kind of monk.

I spoke to so many people today, the man who helped me build my forge, who told me there isn't any money in the craft that I've grown to love, but there is joy and happiness. Another, down by my parents, he works full time to feed the craft, they both encourage me to keep moving forward... I can't keep working this job forever, this career has taken everything from my life, I hate it. What do I do... How do I get to where I want to be, I don't even know entirely where I want to be. Raige keeps telling me to take little steps, but I keep stumbling everyday. There's no joy in this when all the things that stoked my flame are gone... I stare at the screen in the dark trying to will myself to push forward.

I reflect on my life like some unstoppable force of a world, like a realm of darkness and I'm the soul that has to live there constantly trying to turn over a flame that doesn't want to light. I practically sleep on the purple mound of blankets and pillows in my living room... I wake up every night, or in the morning and sit on my bed, I stare at the things that brought me such joy, they still do but they tinge with sadness. I want the girl I love back... I want her back more than anything. I hug those belongings to my heart and and stand up pushing through day after day. When I work out, I fight myself, when I enter a world of color and darkness I'm assaulted like a reflection of my life, I fight back, I try... but sometimes it's to much for me, sometimes the orbs assault me and I lower my arms, just taking it. I reflect on my life and hit the restart button again and again until I get the song done right...

But there are some songs, some pieces I play over and over again... They bring me to hurt, they bring me to pain, they bring me to sadness and frustration, I have to fight off every urge to rip my headset off and throw it across the room. I roar out in pain, tears stream down my face soaking the pads of the headset to my face, right through, down my cheek. I fight begging, please come back, I don't know what to do, I can't bare this, and before long I'm on the floor as the final vestiges of sound die, weeping, shaking, uncertain of everything in my life. I know a few things in my life, a few things I'm certain about... I know I loved Sabi, I know I love the peace and calm of working at my forge, and I know I love you with all my heart.


I don't know how to get to where I want to be, I don't know how to stop the strings of my heart plucked by fate from aching, I wish I knew how to stop this pain, but the very same flame I can't light burns so brightly I can't bare it in my heart, it incinerates me and I wish it could consume me, I wish this void left surrounding my heart would refill, would heal... I don't know how... I wish I knew how to mold this molten pain into something... I just don't know how... I'm scared, I'm tired... I'm cinders, I'm ash...


I can't stop crying... Please make it stop...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU3YvYqFdAQ