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Talking without reason.
8 years ago
See you at Anthro New England! Fur the 'More! Anime Boston! AnthroCon! FurryDelphia! NekoCon AND FursonaCon!
¨°º¤ø„¸¸„ø¤º°¨AGAIN!¨°º¤ø„¸¸„ø¤º°¨ At the end of this month, I will be forty.
I do not feel forty.
My life is two-thirds over, and I do not feel forty.
I feel OLD, but I do not feel like I have lived that many years. I have certainly not had that many adventures, unless we look to words.
I have lived lifetimes, eons, in text.
I have never dieted. I have never kept a regular exercise regimen that was not the necessity of self locomotion. I never learned to ride a bike, or drive a car.
I foolishly fell in love with a cheating pedophile who, at the time, told all the right lies.
I escaped.
I made hasty decisions.
I left again.
I waited.
I wisely let in *good* love, when finally it was time. There's that, at least.
I have friends ten years my junior, and ten years my senior. I finally have friends. It's.. strange. I don't really know what to make of it.
Who is my best friend? No one.
Who was my first crush? No one real.
I have struggled, and I have failed. I have been stolen from, I have been mocked, I have been imitated. Badly. I'm still trying.
Are you?
At the end of this month, I will be forty.
I have never in my adult life had health care. As a child, it was.. the best my mother could do. The way things are going in America right now.. I likely never will have health care. I might bleed to death. It's okay. It's a pre-existing condition. I shall have to be stronger than the force of faulty female evolution.
My teeth are falling apart. I have nightmares about it. There is nothing I can do.
The rosacea that makes strangers stop to pity or insult me, unsolicited.. might actually be getting better - No thanks to the clinic doctor who insists that MetroGel is $40 nationwide. (It's $240, asshat. Put down your game of Angry Birds, and try listening.) But there is hearth wisdom, ad I try not to eat tomatoes now, and there's a nice new product called Prosacea, and some WalMarts near me actually stock it (as First Aid? Okay..). Amazon knows what it is. It'll do.
Maybe it's time to work on being stronger.
We should all, ALWAYS, work on being stronger than we were, yesterday.
Take a walk. Eat some broccoli. Breathe fresh air. (Night air for me, but it's still air, and I need more of it. I should do this. Pokemon can be a fake reason, if my only physical body is not a good enough real reason. Damnit.)
I want to be stronger.
I want to lift things. I want to not hurt when I stand up in the morning. I want to still be able to put my ankles behind my head. I might not NEED that skill, but I once had it, and I want it back.
I have written some brilliant, vivacious, sexy characters, in the past. Strong women. Unflinching, confident, powerful women, to be the woman I never had a chance at being.
Why can I not do this, for real?
I should try. At the end of this month.. I will be forty.
I do not feel forty.
My life is two-thirds over, and I do not feel forty.
I feel OLD, but I do not feel like I have lived that many years. I have certainly not had that many adventures, unless we look to words.
I have lived lifetimes, eons, in text.
I have never dieted. I have never kept a regular exercise regimen that was not the necessity of self locomotion. I never learned to ride a bike, or drive a car.
I foolishly fell in love with a cheating pedophile who, at the time, told all the right lies.
I escaped.
I made hasty decisions.
I left again.
I waited.
I wisely let in *good* love, when finally it was time. There's that, at least.
I have friends ten years my junior, and ten years my senior. I finally have friends. It's.. strange. I don't really know what to make of it.
Who is my best friend? No one.
Who was my first crush? No one real.
I have struggled, and I have failed. I have been stolen from, I have been mocked, I have been imitated. Badly. I'm still trying.
Are you?
At the end of this month, I will be forty.
I have never in my adult life had health care. As a child, it was.. the best my mother could do. The way things are going in America right now.. I likely never will have health care. I might bleed to death. It's okay. It's a pre-existing condition. I shall have to be stronger than the force of faulty female evolution.
My teeth are falling apart. I have nightmares about it. There is nothing I can do.
The rosacea that makes strangers stop to pity or insult me, unsolicited.. might actually be getting better - No thanks to the clinic doctor who insists that MetroGel is $40 nationwide. (It's $240, asshat. Put down your game of Angry Birds, and try listening.) But there is hearth wisdom, ad I try not to eat tomatoes now, and there's a nice new product called Prosacea, and some WalMarts near me actually stock it (as First Aid? Okay..). Amazon knows what it is. It'll do.
Maybe it's time to work on being stronger.
We should all, ALWAYS, work on being stronger than we were, yesterday.
Take a walk. Eat some broccoli. Breathe fresh air. (Night air for me, but it's still air, and I need more of it. I should do this. Pokemon can be a fake reason, if my only physical body is not a good enough real reason. Damnit.)
I want to be stronger.
I want to lift things. I want to not hurt when I stand up in the morning. I want to still be able to put my ankles behind my head. I might not NEED that skill, but I once had it, and I want it back.
I have written some brilliant, vivacious, sexy characters, in the past. Strong women. Unflinching, confident, powerful women, to be the woman I never had a chance at being.
Why can I not do this, for real?
I should try. At the end of this month.. I will be forty.
I hope you get to what you're aiming for.
So yes. c:
I'll be at BronyCon. (Those tables are more expensive than I remember!) If you're there, PLEASE do stop by!
Life is a challenge for everyone... but some have challenges like "Open the Jar of Pickles" kind of thing where as some of us have the whole "Drag This Cross Around for Your Entire Life" type. I'm more the latter. Most of my health problems are preexisting conditions. From the end of high school until 2009, I had NO health insurance. My teeth went to hell, my body followed quickly thereafter - exacerbated all by my mental health that has never been worth much. (Two levels of depression, anxiety, etc.)
Sill, I get up every night to work third shift. I go in and kick it in the balls because NO ONE can do my job as well as I can. (My supervisor tells me this, no less.) I take my cornucopia of pills everyday. (I take more meds than my dad who has survived THREE bouts with cancer and it nearing 70.) I pay my bills. I buy my own way. I don't have a boyfriend/husband/significant other to carry me. (My love life has been a train wreck from the first hormonal spike of puberty so I can relate. We do NOT want to talk about it. It's way too depressing and that's not where you want to go - nor I, for that matter.) I don't have a best friend either. There are people who think they are but I don't let many people into the darkness. It's much too scary and I hate the assholes who think that there is nothing wrong with me and that I should just snap out of it, that I need more medication, that I need less medication and more whatever zany stupid shit is the latest trend (a walk in the woods, shock therapy, etc.), or whatever.
You will be 40. Happy birthday! Think of it this way, if this were a video game, you'd be on LEVEL 40 and that's kick ass. Just remember that there will always be a fight. Some days you have to lie down and rest, the fight will always wait for you. It thinks it can win. You have to come back and prove that it can't. It doesn't care about age - it looks for weakness. If you fought this far, there isn't much weakness in you.
No, lady. You're one of the strongest people I've met - and this assessment comes from BEFORE you blessed me with this sharing.
So, today, I shipped off the BIG SCARY COMMISSION that's been looming over my head (Silk vests, friend wedding, last minute order.) - so I slept. And I watched bad movies. And I read wonderful comics.
Stormer's chapter about sums up recent thoughts, for me. If you're interested, give it a read.
http://readcomiconline.to/Comic/Jem.....sue-1?id=98780
I was in the ER yesterday so you did better than me. (Stupid chronic health problem no dealing well with minor illness. Wound up dehydrated and in a lot of pain. One visit to ER later and I am back functioning. I'm going to consider this some "extreme weight loss" and leave it there. At least the pain and nausea has gone away. Yay!) Of course, doing Fur The Mo' and the Fairie Festival may have contributed. I did a lot of suiting at FTMo' and then outside at the FF. I think I may have pushed my body too far. But hell. It was worth it.
My life has been a rolling dumpster fire. Most of the time, I'm just a sidelines participant - like someone does something stupid and then I have to find a way to deal with it. Not much moronic behavior on my part... I've been an 80 year old lady since I hit puberty so I never did the partying thing that leads to so much idiocy.
OMG! I totally forgot to tell you! I wore the albino brain slug to the Fairie Festival and people LOVED it! It's an outdoor event and expensive to enter the vendor market ($300 for three days - ouch!) but it's a BIG event. This year was a bit smaller due to monsoons. Water was at least four inches deep in one yard (this is held at a farm). The mud was so bad that parking became impossible. My truck has all wheel drive and I was able to get out thanks to that and being a hillbilly with mudbogging experience. LOL Personally, I love the rain and mud and quagmire but it's not everyone's thing. But then neither are frogs and I was dressed as one. :D
Stay on track, woman. You'll be fine. If you can't go on with the fight, it's ok to sit out a round... but to come out swinging in a few days.
I wish I wasn't allergic to sunlight. Heat. Cold... I'd love to sell at fairy festivals and ren faires and SCA events and LARPs. My stupid body won't let me, even if that is my favorite kind of clothing to make. I'm so glad you and the slug had fun!
STAY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. Those guys are crooks. Keep yourself well.
Sure, people are going to point and laugh at me. Hawhaw, that fat chick drinks powerade, that won't help her lose weight.
Fuckoff. I drink it because I'm *always* dehydrated, especially at con. Even if you don't feel sweaty, it's just.. euuugh. I wake up every day with pruney eyeballs, and this is *without* alcohol or caffeine. Drink more water. Drink more gatorade. Bulk up on the vitamins - con eats are never, ever healthy.
You're an 80 year old lady? I WAS BORN AS AN 80 YEAR OLD MAN! Let's retire to Florida and get matching wheelchairs. I've got some nurses to chase around with my grabby stick.
I'm not much for direct sunlight as it causes redness and exfoliation - ok, sunburn and peeling. The first way sounds more sanitary.
As to the hospital, too late. I will post more later. I had c diff and acute pancreatitis. This was pain beyond anything I've ever imagined. Do NOT want to go there again.
I have had dehydration problems before. I get it. I carry water with me everywhere. Or iced tea. I don't drink soda/pop. I used to be a mega mountain dew drinker but I had to give it up due to the evil colon disorder. Damned colon.
Florida is too humid. Maybe north GA? or one of the Carolinas? But then you have to deal with southerners who can't drive in inclement weather. And the assholes. I mean, assholes are everywhere but they have religious assholes down yonder. When I win the lottery, I'll buy about half the state of WV and kick everyone out, start my own country (I'm going to call it Fuckovistan) and you can come live there with me. I'll hire you some nurses.
And DO YOUR LAUNDRY!
And yes, did get the laundry done Wednesday!
*also sips from Gemini mug*
You want some mail?