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Online Friendships - a Rant and an Apology
8 years ago
So there's something I've been wanting to get off my chest. It has to do friendships - specifically friends you just know online. I've been around in the fandom for a good few years know, and I've had the awesome privilege of meeting some wonderful people that I've come to consider friend. But there has been a trend I've noticed among online folks that is starting to bother me.
What does it mean to be friends with somebody? What are the qualifications of being a friend? Obviously the answers to these is going to be different for everybody, but I've come to feel like that for people that meet online the criteria for friendship becomes how often you talk to them. We live in a digital age where it is extremely easy to get in contact with somebody. Gone are the days where you have to write to somebody, where it could take weeks or more to hear back from somebody over long distances. In this, we can get instant contact, almost making it as though everybody we know might as well be next to you.
So I feel as though people take this concept and push it to an almost paranoid extreme - that if somebody isn't frequently talking to them (because there is no barrier to such), then they don't care about them. But is this true? Do you need to talk to somebody frequently to be friends with them?
Personally, this has been frustrating to me. I'm a very introverted person who deals with depression, so most days I'm pretty preoccupied with myself. I am also not one for small talk, and unfortunately not a lot is going on in my life at the moment so my conversation topics are pretty sparse. I also feel as though that many others are in a similar boat. I personally don't feel like this should come between friendship, as friendship is something deeper - it is an emotional kinship, an understanding and a level of trust and caring beyond a typical person, and not necessarily just somebody you talk to a bunch.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm both frustrated with this whole ordeal of online friendships and sorry towards all the wonderful people I know who may have drifted some away from me over the past half a year or so. Since I graduated from my associates program a year ago I've kind of gone into depression mode as I've been figuring out what the next step of my life is (plus some other stuff has gone on). I'm frustrated because I don't feel like I should have to say 'hi - how are you?' every other day or anything just to be friends.
But I'm also very sorry. I understand that people like partners they can talk with. I understand that conversation and such is a part of friendship. And I understand that I have been very, very quiet. I am a very introverted person, and I promise that it's not that I don't care. If anyone ever has anything they want to talk to me about, I promise I will listen and that I will care. I may not be one for small talk, but I will be there if there is anything you need somebody to talk with to. I also straight up have a lot of people in my contacts now, and it's quite difficult for me to keep up at times. Plus I just... kind of lose track of the days at times.
So I'm sorry everyone. Please forgive my quietness. I still love you all.
What does it mean to be friends with somebody? What are the qualifications of being a friend? Obviously the answers to these is going to be different for everybody, but I've come to feel like that for people that meet online the criteria for friendship becomes how often you talk to them. We live in a digital age where it is extremely easy to get in contact with somebody. Gone are the days where you have to write to somebody, where it could take weeks or more to hear back from somebody over long distances. In this, we can get instant contact, almost making it as though everybody we know might as well be next to you.
So I feel as though people take this concept and push it to an almost paranoid extreme - that if somebody isn't frequently talking to them (because there is no barrier to such), then they don't care about them. But is this true? Do you need to talk to somebody frequently to be friends with them?
Personally, this has been frustrating to me. I'm a very introverted person who deals with depression, so most days I'm pretty preoccupied with myself. I am also not one for small talk, and unfortunately not a lot is going on in my life at the moment so my conversation topics are pretty sparse. I also feel as though that many others are in a similar boat. I personally don't feel like this should come between friendship, as friendship is something deeper - it is an emotional kinship, an understanding and a level of trust and caring beyond a typical person, and not necessarily just somebody you talk to a bunch.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm both frustrated with this whole ordeal of online friendships and sorry towards all the wonderful people I know who may have drifted some away from me over the past half a year or so. Since I graduated from my associates program a year ago I've kind of gone into depression mode as I've been figuring out what the next step of my life is (plus some other stuff has gone on). I'm frustrated because I don't feel like I should have to say 'hi - how are you?' every other day or anything just to be friends.
But I'm also very sorry. I understand that people like partners they can talk with. I understand that conversation and such is a part of friendship. And I understand that I have been very, very quiet. I am a very introverted person, and I promise that it's not that I don't care. If anyone ever has anything they want to talk to me about, I promise I will listen and that I will care. I may not be one for small talk, but I will be there if there is anything you need somebody to talk with to. I also straight up have a lot of people in my contacts now, and it's quite difficult for me to keep up at times. Plus I just... kind of lose track of the days at times.
So I'm sorry everyone. Please forgive my quietness. I still love you all.
I suffer from this too, it's not that I don't want to chat, I just suck at starting a conversation and it seems like most of the ones I have anymore die off soon as people see that I don't rp anymore >.< new conversations I mean, not people I already know lol
With that being said, I would say that "friends" should be those willing to be understanding of your situation, people that will be there when the chips are down and those that you can confidently exchange secrets with. Toss a line out those that you felt have drifted apart, a lot of the time you'll be able to pick up right where you left off. If not, it's probably for the best that they are no longer in your orbit.
That being said, you're one of the people I don't talk to often. I think I've even gone months without hearing from you at times, but for some reason, that doesn't bother me as much with others. Perhaps because you have offered to me more than what others have, and that's just occasionally playing games with me. I value that a lot, truly, and I need to actually ask to play games with you more instead of being lazy.
But yeah, sometimes with my depression I will get very quiet for a month or two.
I believe friendship is someone who you really trust, and are totally always 100% loyal to you and stand by with whatever your decisions you make, right or wrong, and still not think ill of you even if they happen to disagree with what your bad decisions or opinions are, or do something they don't really approve of. A true a loyal friendship that survives anything and will be there for you whenever you need them.
The social constructs of online is very easy to make new friends, but it can be really difficult to feel that extra close connection with them sometimes. Since the Internet has become more streamline in people's everyday lives it's created this social barrier where people feel more comfortable talking to another behind a screen. It can be hard to picture how that person may look, or sound on the other end of that conversation in real life. The Internet has pretty much created an addiction in most who will end up with social anxiety where they feel they can't be away from the Internet for even a moment because they'll miss talking with their friends or keeping up with the "cool" trends on the Internet.
Internet addiction is a thing, and it's only getting worse in people as they continue to live with it in their lives because they soon become very disconnected with the reality around them as all their focus and attention is drawing them into the Internet, to be connected all the time, and be responsive at any given time to whoever they may want to talk to online. The fear of being disconnected from the Internet too long will probably drive them crazy and up their social anxiety. I've noticed this a little bit in myself, but not nearly as bad as other people are, at least I can manage Internet addiction to an extent and still do things that need to be done besides looking at a screen all-day long.
I think that you're a wonderful person, and describing what friendship is, even online friendship, is quite hard to say. So I'll just share my point of view: friendship is when you feel that even despite the lack if time two may have, due to various reasons, there will always be that feeling of trust and need of each other. Knowing that one will always be there, ready for the other to sustain and help in the need.
I used to get bad spells because of the fact that no one wanted to be around me, but it doesn't bother me as much as it did then.
So yes, I can definitely relate and see where you're coming from in regards to what to do in order to maintain contact with someone with mutual interests. I also suffer from several things as well, and that could contribute to how I have ended up now given the situations that I had to deal with.
I don't hate anyone who holds those kind of expectations, but the stigma that you HAVE to frequently talk to someone to be their friend, as opposed to just socializing with them whenever and still being cool with it on both ends is one that's caused a lot of grief, and if more people understood that sometimes, other things get your attention, or depression sets in, we'd have a lot less grief to deal with. Far as I'm concerned though, Drakke, you've got nothing to apologize for. I think you're cool for what it's worth, and more so for taking the time to make this announcement. ♥