I've had a lot of not so pleasant thoughts crowding my brainmeats for a while not and I figured it would probably just be better to vent them out somewhere. So Journals it is!

I've been having a weird sort of... early mid-life crisis. Recently people have been able to actually guess my age. Like, almost exactly on the dot. Most people wouldn't think of that as an issue. So why is it an issue for me? Because I'm turning 27 this year. I am 3 years away from hitting 30.

30 is the dead year for women. You're not longer able to be considered conventionally beautiful. If you're not at least in a relationship, you'll be looked at as unable to function in the 'normal' society. You're considered 'old'.
Men are lucky. Their dead year is 50. That's 20 more than a woman gets before she's essentially told she's worthless.

Mentally I still feel like I'm 21. But obviously, time can't be fixed as easily as thinking about it. I've actually gotten face serums to try and help me 'look young again'. One of which even has snake venom in it. I don't know when I became so desperate or so intensely worried about how I look, but it's happened and I'm having a hard time clawing my way out of it.
I'm nearly 30. I drive an old junked up little car. My new work uniform kinda makes me look like a lunch lady. My new hairstyle looks horrendous thanks to me having to dye it back to a natural color and style it differently. (Picture a brunette Severus Snape haircut on a round faced woman. Not flattering)

I've had to start a new job. And while I'm happy and excited for said job, at the same time I'm terrified because that's ANOTHER job jump I've made. I'm pretty sure 'normal' society would look down on me for that because I haven't been able to find the 'dream job' and just stick with it.

I'm also having a lot of friend troubles. I get REALLY tired of having to be the one to basically always initiate. I'm a Leo. I like people to come to me. That's just how I am. Yet I always find myself attracted to the kind of person that just can't be bothered with contacting me. Whether it's because they're too distracted by someone/something else, they don't remember me outside of work (old job) or they just never think to contact me... honestly it hurts. I get tired of it, and the time span in which I get tired of it is steadily growing shorter and shorter with each person.

I only have a single person that I can count on, which is my roommate. And even that worries me sometimes simply because I worry that I'm expecting too much out of them. I want to give them their time and space and not be a bother just because I can't seem to keep any other friends.
I kinda feel like I should just give up and let everyone drift away. Maybe I'm not really meant to have friends?
I know there are some people out there that are supposed to be loners, but I didn't think the universe would kick my ass so hard into thinking I needed to be one of them.

So here I sit, a nearly 27 year old with a brand new job, no more youth in my skin, a whole lot of debt I can't seem to get under control, and basically no one to reach out to. I can't draw. I can't seem to do anything but focus on stupid things. I just have no inspiration left.
I kinda feel like I'm in a hole, reaching out for someone who just isn't there. And the more time passes by, the deeper that hole gets.

At the very least, I'm glad to have my roommate here. I honestly don't know what I would do without them.