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May 19: The Three Month Slump, Meds, and BotW
8 years ago
|██████████|SANITY
|██████████|ENERGY
Status: Still a bundle of nerves
█ First off sorry for worrying some of you out there with my absence, I know I haven't posted anything in months but at times it's hard to sit down and write an update post. Depression does have a way of making things that should matter feel like they don't at all.
Something I've been somewhat aware of for the past many years is that the low point of my mood cycle tends to last around three months (give or take a couple of months), and this time around it's no different (It hit full-force at some point mid-February this time around, and well it's mid-May). As such I haven't really touched anything art-wise or really had the energy or motivation to compile any journal posts.
I'm not sure how I feel on the art front yet, and ultimately there's a reason why I'm writing up a journal post now:
█ I'm going to be going on some anti-depressants and see if that does anything for me. This was something I was probably going to do a year earlier, but I've noted in an earlier journal that a visit to the doctor basically revealed some physical problems I had to deal with in regards to per-diabetic conditions, weight, and cholesterol stuff; which of course ended up taking up priority. Still need to work on the cholesterol, weight is stable but still need to push it down a bit further certainly.
At any rate considering the emotional slump I've been in the past few months I figured at this point why not and see if medication can help. I'm not sure I feel anything in particular in regards to this decision, I'm generally wracked with anxiety as a rule of thumb anyways, so that's not exactly much of a change in that particular state of mind. I'm not much of an optimist either, so I'm not going to be expecting anything to change; I suppose it would be nice to be wrong about it, but I don't even know what being wrong means in this case. The majority of my life at this point has been on long feeling of meh with the occasional sprinkle of happiness here and there, and pits of despair or emptiness.
I'm almost content with just existing, but there's still a part of me that wants to create things, but that part of my is constantly hindered by a fog of apathy a lot of self-doubt; and in the end that's probably the biggest reason why I'm giving it a shot.
If things pan out, then I guess this in a way would be the last post I make as the person who I am today. If not then I guess I'll be prescribed something else in about a months time and see if something else works. Granted it's all a bit melodramatic, we're all a different person the next day; as we add a little bit more to the thing we call ourselves.
█ I guess to wrap this journal up I'll talk about Breath of the Wild which has been one of the few games I've played recently that I've 'finished'. I'm not much of an avid gamer in the sense I only play a few games as opposed to playing everything out there that I can. I ended up playing BotW basically by accident, as it's technically my sister's copy but she ended up moving out the and the copy arrived and I figured I might as well play it, especially considering the reviews it was getting. Though I did hold off from actually playing it for a month.
First off I completely understand all the criticisms of the game, the biggest one being that it's not really a Zelda game. There's been a formula to the series that's been followed for years, so much so that some joked that if you played one you've essentially played them all, and Breath of the Wild threw almost all of it out the window. Yet in doing so I think it's probably the best open world game out there. It doesn't do anything ground breaking, but it does what a lot of other open world games do but seamlessly. More importantly it's a game that promotes curiosity and exploration.
A lot of other games these days basically pad the game experience with quests, usually fetch or kill quests for NPCs. An objective flashes on your map and then you head straight towards that objective, and along the way you'll probably find even more quests, and doing those quests you'll find even more quests; eventually you'll forget what you were originally questing for, or where you had to go or what you needed to get. The only reason why you went anywhere was because you were told to go there, and sometimes you couldn't be bothered to talk to NPCs anymore because you already have a dozen different 'errands' to run. So it was quite a nice surprise that BotW basically tossed that out the window, that instead it used visible landmarks or small chains of distractions that would pull you off the beaten path, and you would find things. That no matter where you went, if you looked around you'd find something; be it monster camps, some buried treasures, a mini-dungeon. At first glance things would seam barren, but if you looked closely you would find something sticking out that would draw your attention and you'd investigate. No one needed to tell you, your eyes told you to investigate.
While I have finished the game, I doubt I've explored even a quarter of it. There's certainly a lot of different things for me to discover, and it's not a game that gives you that feeling of "I need to read a guide" because a large part of the fun is finding out things on your own. There's nothing that 'must' be seen, 'must' be defeated, or 'must' be collected, so at no point will you ever get stuck. The only time you get stuck is if you yourself refuse to move on, and in regards to that particular comment I realized I needed to turn off the shrine-sensor function rather early in the game. Since it would ping every time you got close to one your focus would immediately become "MUST FIND IT NOW!" but after turning it off my gaming experience improved a lot, because instead of expecting a shrine and spending minutes looking for it; often times I would just run into one, and that sense of me finding it was much better than hearing the game pinging me about it. Which is to say I've probably ran past some shrines, but that doesn't matter; because the pinging was distracting me from enjoying the experience.
Course there's the other big thing about BotW: It's weapon system. People have noted that it's 'not fun' to have their weapons shatter after a set amount of use, and are sad that they'll inevitably lose powerful weapons they've collected; there is an extremely good reason why it's there: It removes the requirement of gating off sections of the map for the sake of progression. The way BotW is setup, after you leave the tutorial area you can head straight for Hyrule Castle and if you're skilled enough loot some of the most powerful weapons in the game. In any other open world game this would completely break the game. You would have the most powerful weapons in the game within the first few hours, rendering the rest of the game completely and totally obsolete. This is why other open world games gate off sections of the map to be only opened up after you've completed certain objectives. If the weapons break, then that means all parts of the map are relevant at all times, otherwise BotW would be closer to your typical open-world game: Run around in area 1 get a thing then beat the boss, area 2 opens up with a stronger thing with a stronger boss, then area 3: So on and so forth.
BotW is essentially one big sequence break, it's sequence is whatever you make of it. My personal experience is that I stumbled into the colosseum after leaving the tutorial area, and within it a Lynel (arguably the toughest monster in the game, harder than the world bosses and the various incarnations of Ganon). I died a lot fighting it, figuring out quickly that I didn't have the weapons necessary to defeat it as they would all shatter before taking off even a quarter of it's life; however, there were weaker monsters all around the ring of the colosseum. So I did what I felt was natural in that situation: I used my weak weapons to beat these monsters up and took their weapons, killing all of them just so I'd have enough quality weapons to take on the Lynel and kill it (which I did). But of course the powerful weapons it dropped eventually broke, but if that wasn't the case then I would have been using those weapons for basically the rest of the game. I think the game could have gone with a slightly different system for managing the weapons though: Like the ability to stack your weapons in an order, so that once the one you're using breaks it auto equips the next one in the order. Would improve the flow of the battle which does get interrupted (even with the quick select) to grab your next weapon.
My hope is that Nintendo will build on top of what they built on BotW, and add in more elaborate dungeon designs and more enemies to combat; either as expansions or a new game completely, one that's more 'alive.'
█ And that's it for the rambling tonight. I'll see you all on the other side, whatever it ends up being.
|██████████|ENERGY
Status: Still a bundle of nerves
█ First off sorry for worrying some of you out there with my absence, I know I haven't posted anything in months but at times it's hard to sit down and write an update post. Depression does have a way of making things that should matter feel like they don't at all.
Something I've been somewhat aware of for the past many years is that the low point of my mood cycle tends to last around three months (give or take a couple of months), and this time around it's no different (It hit full-force at some point mid-February this time around, and well it's mid-May). As such I haven't really touched anything art-wise or really had the energy or motivation to compile any journal posts.
I'm not sure how I feel on the art front yet, and ultimately there's a reason why I'm writing up a journal post now:
█ I'm going to be going on some anti-depressants and see if that does anything for me. This was something I was probably going to do a year earlier, but I've noted in an earlier journal that a visit to the doctor basically revealed some physical problems I had to deal with in regards to per-diabetic conditions, weight, and cholesterol stuff; which of course ended up taking up priority. Still need to work on the cholesterol, weight is stable but still need to push it down a bit further certainly.
At any rate considering the emotional slump I've been in the past few months I figured at this point why not and see if medication can help. I'm not sure I feel anything in particular in regards to this decision, I'm generally wracked with anxiety as a rule of thumb anyways, so that's not exactly much of a change in that particular state of mind. I'm not much of an optimist either, so I'm not going to be expecting anything to change; I suppose it would be nice to be wrong about it, but I don't even know what being wrong means in this case. The majority of my life at this point has been on long feeling of meh with the occasional sprinkle of happiness here and there, and pits of despair or emptiness.
I'm almost content with just existing, but there's still a part of me that wants to create things, but that part of my is constantly hindered by a fog of apathy a lot of self-doubt; and in the end that's probably the biggest reason why I'm giving it a shot.
If things pan out, then I guess this in a way would be the last post I make as the person who I am today. If not then I guess I'll be prescribed something else in about a months time and see if something else works. Granted it's all a bit melodramatic, we're all a different person the next day; as we add a little bit more to the thing we call ourselves.
█ I guess to wrap this journal up I'll talk about Breath of the Wild which has been one of the few games I've played recently that I've 'finished'. I'm not much of an avid gamer in the sense I only play a few games as opposed to playing everything out there that I can. I ended up playing BotW basically by accident, as it's technically my sister's copy but she ended up moving out the and the copy arrived and I figured I might as well play it, especially considering the reviews it was getting. Though I did hold off from actually playing it for a month.
First off I completely understand all the criticisms of the game, the biggest one being that it's not really a Zelda game. There's been a formula to the series that's been followed for years, so much so that some joked that if you played one you've essentially played them all, and Breath of the Wild threw almost all of it out the window. Yet in doing so I think it's probably the best open world game out there. It doesn't do anything ground breaking, but it does what a lot of other open world games do but seamlessly. More importantly it's a game that promotes curiosity and exploration.
A lot of other games these days basically pad the game experience with quests, usually fetch or kill quests for NPCs. An objective flashes on your map and then you head straight towards that objective, and along the way you'll probably find even more quests, and doing those quests you'll find even more quests; eventually you'll forget what you were originally questing for, or where you had to go or what you needed to get. The only reason why you went anywhere was because you were told to go there, and sometimes you couldn't be bothered to talk to NPCs anymore because you already have a dozen different 'errands' to run. So it was quite a nice surprise that BotW basically tossed that out the window, that instead it used visible landmarks or small chains of distractions that would pull you off the beaten path, and you would find things. That no matter where you went, if you looked around you'd find something; be it monster camps, some buried treasures, a mini-dungeon. At first glance things would seam barren, but if you looked closely you would find something sticking out that would draw your attention and you'd investigate. No one needed to tell you, your eyes told you to investigate.
While I have finished the game, I doubt I've explored even a quarter of it. There's certainly a lot of different things for me to discover, and it's not a game that gives you that feeling of "I need to read a guide" because a large part of the fun is finding out things on your own. There's nothing that 'must' be seen, 'must' be defeated, or 'must' be collected, so at no point will you ever get stuck. The only time you get stuck is if you yourself refuse to move on, and in regards to that particular comment I realized I needed to turn off the shrine-sensor function rather early in the game. Since it would ping every time you got close to one your focus would immediately become "MUST FIND IT NOW!" but after turning it off my gaming experience improved a lot, because instead of expecting a shrine and spending minutes looking for it; often times I would just run into one, and that sense of me finding it was much better than hearing the game pinging me about it. Which is to say I've probably ran past some shrines, but that doesn't matter; because the pinging was distracting me from enjoying the experience.
Course there's the other big thing about BotW: It's weapon system. People have noted that it's 'not fun' to have their weapons shatter after a set amount of use, and are sad that they'll inevitably lose powerful weapons they've collected; there is an extremely good reason why it's there: It removes the requirement of gating off sections of the map for the sake of progression. The way BotW is setup, after you leave the tutorial area you can head straight for Hyrule Castle and if you're skilled enough loot some of the most powerful weapons in the game. In any other open world game this would completely break the game. You would have the most powerful weapons in the game within the first few hours, rendering the rest of the game completely and totally obsolete. This is why other open world games gate off sections of the map to be only opened up after you've completed certain objectives. If the weapons break, then that means all parts of the map are relevant at all times, otherwise BotW would be closer to your typical open-world game: Run around in area 1 get a thing then beat the boss, area 2 opens up with a stronger thing with a stronger boss, then area 3: So on and so forth.
BotW is essentially one big sequence break, it's sequence is whatever you make of it. My personal experience is that I stumbled into the colosseum after leaving the tutorial area, and within it a Lynel (arguably the toughest monster in the game, harder than the world bosses and the various incarnations of Ganon). I died a lot fighting it, figuring out quickly that I didn't have the weapons necessary to defeat it as they would all shatter before taking off even a quarter of it's life; however, there were weaker monsters all around the ring of the colosseum. So I did what I felt was natural in that situation: I used my weak weapons to beat these monsters up and took their weapons, killing all of them just so I'd have enough quality weapons to take on the Lynel and kill it (which I did). But of course the powerful weapons it dropped eventually broke, but if that wasn't the case then I would have been using those weapons for basically the rest of the game. I think the game could have gone with a slightly different system for managing the weapons though: Like the ability to stack your weapons in an order, so that once the one you're using breaks it auto equips the next one in the order. Would improve the flow of the battle which does get interrupted (even with the quick select) to grab your next weapon.
My hope is that Nintendo will build on top of what they built on BotW, and add in more elaborate dungeon designs and more enemies to combat; either as expansions or a new game completely, one that's more 'alive.'
█ And that's it for the rambling tonight. I'll see you all on the other side, whatever it ends up being.
It's just that you start the game with crappy weapons, so you're shown immediately that weapons break.
Hope the medicine you will take has a possitive effect on you and that things get better. Keep it up<3
Have a Cadre Cola! It hits the spot...
If you need anything don't be afraid to hit me up
What I noticed in BOTW, a lot of the mini bosses in hyrule start to feel the same and repetitive. Its not too bad but I feel there could be more enemies. Perhaps they limited it for the WiiU version.
Its great to hear from ya. Ironicly, I was looking at your animations and comics last night and thought "Hmm. Havn't seen him in a bit."
Hope things go well for you! *hugs*
As for Breath of the Wild, I agree with you on it and do hope this isn't just a one-and-done gimmick and that Nintendo will utilize this massive world full of potential that they have created.
I've never played any of the Zelda games, so I can't really speak on them.
Which version of BotW you play? The wii u version or the switch version?
Get well soon.
Nah but really, if we lived closer to each outer, I would totally take up helping you with exercise and all. Just remember, it is not how hard the workout is that matters, it is how long. Endurance is key. 1 hour of walking an jogging is better than 10 minutes of running.
Be careful with those Anti-depressants. Folks I know have said that did in fact develop a sort of addiction. Progressive living and a healthy diet can boost up your mind, body and soul. Just need some inspirational music, fruit smoothies and a tranquil environment to make you feel good about yourself.
You will find that being glued to a computer screen in an 8' by 11' bedroom will eventually make you feel you are in a prison. Try changing your environment by taking a laptop and drawing/ animating at a (safe) park.
As far as games go, I really have only been fixated on the Resident Evil and Silent Hill series. Been playing most of their games via Wii and PS3. I have yet to get the PS4. I've got the money, I just don't care for getting another system at this time.
Stay safe dragon. I am almost done coloring your pic.
It is out there, it is a daemon, but for the love of (insert clever name here) do not let it go too far. Glad you figured out when you had reached "too far."
I almost ruined my life I was so depressed. And anti-depressants really didn't help me. I just had to get out there and DO something to rectify whatever situation I was in...
No idea if it helps but I am definitely a vent for anyone that decides to read this.
My contact info is on my page. (I don't judge and/or share stories.)
Welcome back man
Somewhat stupidly, what helped me was watching that one adventure time episode where Lemongrab kills Matthew. He screams "If you are the head that floats atop the ziggurat, then the stairs that lead to you must be infinite, infinite stairs are unacceptable" apparently, it comes from a Buddhist philosophy, where the road to self improvement or self worth has no end or beginning, and there is no end goal to reach, and no failure to run from. with that in mind, I am happy just sort of... being, doing what i want to improve in the way I feel like i should, regardless of what anyone around me thinks.
After all, who do i have to impress to be happy? Them? Me? Fuck Me, what do I know about what i want, I'm an idiot!
I'm sure you'll find some sort of peace with yourself, but for now, I'm just glad you didn't, y'know, die or anything.
(sorry if this didnt help, this was more of a rant for me, because i haven't spoken to anyone about this.)
And sorry to hear about your state.
Go into it trusting your body over what a doctor is going to tell you. You live in it; not them. And once you find that dosage that helps you to function? Tell them to fuck off. They'll try and make it to where it can seem like it's a magic pill, depending on how your physician views themselves. It's far from it.
Go into it with a mindset as well that you're trying to help yourself. Skepticism is only going to get in the way. Be open, and let the stuff take effect. If it gets too much or isn't enough to help stabilize you, tell em. Trying to find the right combination of dosage and chemical is tricky.
You'll have highs and lows. The meds won't help those; they're a part of life in general. Been on paroxitine for nearly eighteen years . Still get them at times (like now). It helps me to work though, to function in society, and also to eventually fight my way out of it. Doesn't make it simple, but it doesn't make it seem impossible to climb out.
And no, you won't be any different, outside of more balanced in the chemicals that your body isn't producing enough, or too much of. And if the pharmecuticals don't work, look to the natural world. Just don't get arrested for it.
Granted, this journal is likely a month old if not more, and I haven't seen anyone really pop up into it. ::Shrugs:: Felt it needed to be said all the same.
Good luck. And don't use a sledgehammer when you're putting a nail in a wall.