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Tough changes in my life lately (please, read if you can)
16 years ago
*sighs* I feel like I'm gonna regret posting this...oh well...
Some of you are probably aware of this already, but for the rest of you - for more than a month now, maybe even two, Alexandre and I have been broken up from being mates. I never really take break-ups well, especially not this time, because he really means a lot to me as a person. To this day I still don't know why he broke up with me, because he told me he didn't have a reason why, which not only was heart-breaking, but frustrating as hell. I don't blame him, though, but...I guess you could say I've been pretty bitter about it.
After deciding we'd just be friends, he then told me that he didn't want to even be around me anymore, that for two months he didn't want anything to do with me, just a week or so after we had just started working things out. It was just another incredibly hard blow to my heart, my sanity, my emotional well-being, and really did a number on my depression/anxiety complex. But I know it's my fault; I couldn't just leave well enough alone between us. I sorta couldn't convince myself that we weren't together anymore - and believe me, if I could have my way, I'd still be with him (hell, he's a wonderful guy) - and thus I couldn't handle not being with him. I felt so dead inside, and really rotten for putting both him and myself through it all.
But, then, what do I do? Apologize? For what? I feel utterly lost and confused about how it all started that just thinking about the what if's and the why's just depresses me even more. And I hate to say it, but the fact that he seems completely unphased by the whole thing pisses me the fuck off sometimes. In essense, I feel like our relationship, one that brought me genuine happiness for the first time in a long time in my life, was just a burden, a hassle, for him. I feel like a jerk for saying this, but...I sometimes wonder if he even loved me at all.
This short period during the year always gets me down and lonely sometimes, being AC time and all, hearing everyone's amazing times meeting and getting together, while you're stuck at a day-to-day job and nothing to do with your free time. And then a really bad breakup, which is my fault in a few ways, on top of it - it really just...sucks. It's to the point that my meds can only do so much, and then I still feel like shit.
So, all in all - yeah, my life kinda sucks right now. I lost my boyfriend and don't have a clue how it happened, my family is always off doing vacations and other stuff without me, I'm losing touch with my friends and myself...I feel overwhelmed.
okay, I'm done venting...just, I dunno...keep me in your prayers for now.
Some of you are probably aware of this already, but for the rest of you - for more than a month now, maybe even two, Alexandre and I have been broken up from being mates. I never really take break-ups well, especially not this time, because he really means a lot to me as a person. To this day I still don't know why he broke up with me, because he told me he didn't have a reason why, which not only was heart-breaking, but frustrating as hell. I don't blame him, though, but...I guess you could say I've been pretty bitter about it.
After deciding we'd just be friends, he then told me that he didn't want to even be around me anymore, that for two months he didn't want anything to do with me, just a week or so after we had just started working things out. It was just another incredibly hard blow to my heart, my sanity, my emotional well-being, and really did a number on my depression/anxiety complex. But I know it's my fault; I couldn't just leave well enough alone between us. I sorta couldn't convince myself that we weren't together anymore - and believe me, if I could have my way, I'd still be with him (hell, he's a wonderful guy) - and thus I couldn't handle not being with him. I felt so dead inside, and really rotten for putting both him and myself through it all.
But, then, what do I do? Apologize? For what? I feel utterly lost and confused about how it all started that just thinking about the what if's and the why's just depresses me even more. And I hate to say it, but the fact that he seems completely unphased by the whole thing pisses me the fuck off sometimes. In essense, I feel like our relationship, one that brought me genuine happiness for the first time in a long time in my life, was just a burden, a hassle, for him. I feel like a jerk for saying this, but...I sometimes wonder if he even loved me at all.
This short period during the year always gets me down and lonely sometimes, being AC time and all, hearing everyone's amazing times meeting and getting together, while you're stuck at a day-to-day job and nothing to do with your free time. And then a really bad breakup, which is my fault in a few ways, on top of it - it really just...sucks. It's to the point that my meds can only do so much, and then I still feel like shit.
So, all in all - yeah, my life kinda sucks right now. I lost my boyfriend and don't have a clue how it happened, my family is always off doing vacations and other stuff without me, I'm losing touch with my friends and myself...I feel overwhelmed.
okay, I'm done venting...just, I dunno...keep me in your prayers for now.
I went through the same thing with my break up with Silver. I didn't get a clear reason until months later and even then it left me confused. I tried to get back together with him but he's not ready and all I was doing was shooting myself in the foot. I'd still love for him and I to get back together, but it's really in his hands. :(
I know exactly how you feel. All of it.
All I can say is that time does heal all wounds. Your friends will help you get through it. Take some time out for yourself. Don't isolate yourself from your friends like I did, though. But give yourself the time you need to come to terms with things. It feels bad now, but it won't in time. Try focusing on a project. Helped me a lot.
Keep in touch, yeah? *big hugs*
I'm here for you if you wanna talk.
Let not your doubt be a veil
Allow your friends and heart to help
Their healing power shall prevail
The loss of love is a mighty blow
Then you feel as just an empty shell
Suddenly feel your worth ebb and flow
Is this life or death, Its hard to tell
Cliches and prayers from friendly tongues
Feel so powerless in this domain
Still those ones of friendship sung
We're so glad that they don't refrain
Keep in mind your value here
Much greater than the heart of one
To so many that hold you dear
Wake up to the brand new sun
The sum of friendships may not keep you warm at night wrapped in arms of flesh. Still do not let the loss of one diminish you. Your value, your worth, your life, is much greater than being tied to being with one person. Though its hard and we seek to feel our value through sharing experiences with someone special, remember that they are still experiences even if unshared with a lover and YOU are much more than just 'someone's boyfriend'. Don't forget who you are on your own because that would be the most terribly loss of all.
Please, if you ever need someone to talk with, note me. :) I'll always be here to comfort you.