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What Happened to Sampson?
8 years ago
General
I'm not sure how I'm feeling, to be honest.
Whatever it is, it's too long for Twitter, so I'll put it here.
I started an awesome career with an incredible law firm a couple weeks ago and my art time has shrunk to practically zero. This has prompted a lot of thinking time to and from work about what it is I want to create and how to create it.
This has also coincided with a few other feelings, but I'll get to that in a moment. More importantly, it's happening at a time when my perception skills have outpaced my art skills. I can see what I like in others' works and want to improve, but I can't seem to figure out how to get there with what I'm doing now. This is a familiar feeling. It's part of the whole art/perception horse race where there are times my art skills outpace my perception skills and vice versa. This is usually followed by a period of experimentation and/or simply doing things differently.
The problem I face is that I don't really have the time to 'do things differently.' Oh, I played around with different brushes last night and experimented with all sorts of things. Nothing too impressive came of it, but that just means I need to do some more experimentation. It's the equivalent of knowing where you need to go, but feeling clueless as to how to get there. There are no maps in art.
I dug around in my old art technique books, looking for ideas. This always seems to help. I love re-reading old chapters and learning something new. Browsing art from other artists can be inspiring. I always see new things as I learn.
What's most confusing right now is that I'm also feeling a bit...detached.
Several months ago, someone revealed to me that others perceived me as not being a 'real fur' - whatever that is. At first, I'm like 'well, whatever.' This fandom has always seemed so flexible and inclusive and it always made me happy. Unfortunately, this weird bit of feedback stuck with me and grew like a creeping rot on my brain. Mix this in with the fact I've not really forged many fur connections in my new city and a healthy dose of unemployment and I started to feel even more adrift. Lately I've had very terrible thoughts that I should just up and vanish from here and everywhere I post art. What's the point if I'm not even considered part of the fandom?
Let me state this: I'm very, very happy with my life. I have a loving husband and a loving boyfriend (yes, I'm proudly poly). I have an incredible job with some really smart, devoted folks. Calgary is an amazing, dynamic city and I am so fortunate to live here. My family, both chosen and biological, makes me proud beyond words. My days are filled with love, friendship, laughter and curiosity.
But I miss the fandom.
I miss going to FC. I miss Rainfurrest. I miss VancouFur. I miss cycling, drinking beer, gaming and sketching with Davecko. I wanna hug Trace, Heartless, Hornet, Fibre, Mooglepower and a whole ton of you that I've been so fortunate to share the same air with.
This has been a tough year for me, financially. I can only hope that it was a temporary blip and I'm more confident each day that it was.
I'm not even sure if anyone reads these, but I had to put my thoughts down somewhere. Hopefully I can find my art groove again soon. Hopefully I can manage to get away to a couple cons next year. Hopefully I'll feel more relevant or connected to furry - if I even am furry according to some.
At any rate, if you check in on this account and it's been a while since I have posted anything, I hope this provides some perspective.
Whatever it is, it's too long for Twitter, so I'll put it here.
I started an awesome career with an incredible law firm a couple weeks ago and my art time has shrunk to practically zero. This has prompted a lot of thinking time to and from work about what it is I want to create and how to create it.
This has also coincided with a few other feelings, but I'll get to that in a moment. More importantly, it's happening at a time when my perception skills have outpaced my art skills. I can see what I like in others' works and want to improve, but I can't seem to figure out how to get there with what I'm doing now. This is a familiar feeling. It's part of the whole art/perception horse race where there are times my art skills outpace my perception skills and vice versa. This is usually followed by a period of experimentation and/or simply doing things differently.
The problem I face is that I don't really have the time to 'do things differently.' Oh, I played around with different brushes last night and experimented with all sorts of things. Nothing too impressive came of it, but that just means I need to do some more experimentation. It's the equivalent of knowing where you need to go, but feeling clueless as to how to get there. There are no maps in art.
I dug around in my old art technique books, looking for ideas. This always seems to help. I love re-reading old chapters and learning something new. Browsing art from other artists can be inspiring. I always see new things as I learn.
What's most confusing right now is that I'm also feeling a bit...detached.
Several months ago, someone revealed to me that others perceived me as not being a 'real fur' - whatever that is. At first, I'm like 'well, whatever.' This fandom has always seemed so flexible and inclusive and it always made me happy. Unfortunately, this weird bit of feedback stuck with me and grew like a creeping rot on my brain. Mix this in with the fact I've not really forged many fur connections in my new city and a healthy dose of unemployment and I started to feel even more adrift. Lately I've had very terrible thoughts that I should just up and vanish from here and everywhere I post art. What's the point if I'm not even considered part of the fandom?
Let me state this: I'm very, very happy with my life. I have a loving husband and a loving boyfriend (yes, I'm proudly poly). I have an incredible job with some really smart, devoted folks. Calgary is an amazing, dynamic city and I am so fortunate to live here. My family, both chosen and biological, makes me proud beyond words. My days are filled with love, friendship, laughter and curiosity.
But I miss the fandom.
I miss going to FC. I miss Rainfurrest. I miss VancouFur. I miss cycling, drinking beer, gaming and sketching with Davecko. I wanna hug Trace, Heartless, Hornet, Fibre, Mooglepower and a whole ton of you that I've been so fortunate to share the same air with.
This has been a tough year for me, financially. I can only hope that it was a temporary blip and I'm more confident each day that it was.
I'm not even sure if anyone reads these, but I had to put my thoughts down somewhere. Hopefully I can find my art groove again soon. Hopefully I can manage to get away to a couple cons next year. Hopefully I'll feel more relevant or connected to furry - if I even am furry according to some.
At any rate, if you check in on this account and it's been a while since I have posted anything, I hope this provides some perspective.
Everyone makes their own unique contributions to furry. What makes each of them a 'real fur'? Is it because they have a fursuit? Is it because their art is different from everyone else? Frankly, who the fuck cares. You are doing something you enjoy and making others happy because of it.
I guess I've gone on a tangent here, but keep doing your thing, big dog. Don't let someone else's biased, judgmental label stick to you.
I hope you find your balance. That sweetspot where you can meet all your needs. Til then, keep on keepin on. Those of us in this journal comment session will be cheering you on.
It's so subjective. If you've been in the fandom for a 30 years, does that make you a furry? Not posting any art or story or anything creative on any furry media, does that mean you're not a furry? What IS a furry? It's merely a label.
I can tell you this, the day I got into the furry fandom, the only changes I can see from my life are just the people. I meet more people than I usually do. It's some sort like a club or organization. Only thing is, it's a fucking massive club with friendly people that shares the same interest. Though, not everyone is friendly but that's just common sense as a human being. Just live your life and do stuff that makes you creative, something that you want to do. I've always encountered people saying 'Oh popufur' and some shit but seriously, it's just a fandom.
There is no definitive word or adjective to describe a furry because it's subjective, not objective. It depends on your thoughts alone. There's no such thing as being 'too furry' or 'real fur'. That, to me, is just bull. Heck, what does 'real fur' even mean! What? You have REAL wolf fur attached to your skin? That's some new advance biological shit right there.
I like you. :)
You've been doing so many other things and enjoying like and trying to improve upon yourself. There's no set-in-stone rulebook that says that you have to do certain things and be a certain way and participate specific amount of times to quality being a "real fur".
Maybe you'll reintegrate yourself the way you had before. Or maybe it'll be different. Maybe this realization is the catalyst for that. I'm not sure, but cons will always be there. The people that you got to know could always be reached out to again. There's probably Calgary furs that you can connect with too. Don't worry about your fur involvement. You'll be fine!
But, one thing is for certain: I will keep working on art and keep improving myself. Learning isn't always easy and this is just one of those times where I need to experiment :)
Just take your time and readjust. Seems you have an awesome job and even though it keeps you busy, you are making good money. There will be a time when you can get back into the groove. I enjoy seeing your art and the stories that sometimes accompany them. Please don't the let comment of one person ruin the fun you seem to be having. You are appreciated in this community, and it seems a lot of people are willing to pay for your art. I certainly wish I was one of them, but one day soon!
But the point is, don't take someone's word if they consider you a furry or not to heart since their standards of being one will be different from yours. They may either have a higher standard or lower standard than yours but as long as you're somewhat informed on the topic and you feel that you do identify as a furry, than that choice is yours and yours alone. Nobody has a right to deny your furryhood even if they are the supposed "King" or "Queen" of the community. They can give you some ideas of theirs if they want but incorporating that as your meaning of being a furry is entirely up to you. If it feels out of topic for you than you can just omit that idea of theirs. But if you do feel like that is what you're missing or if you're just simply interested in that idea, than do what you will with that new piece of information. The idea of "being a true furry" doesn't exist and will never exist at all. Nobody can be a perfect furry. People can look up to others as a role model for what a furry is sure, but nobody is the perfect example for what it takes to be a furry.
You are the only one who can judge for yourself if you're furry or not but asking others for some type of advice on what is a furry can't hurt either. Their input is going to be suggestions for building an idea on what a furry is NOT the rules of being a furry.
And don't worry if you do miss out on a convention. They are just a luxury, not a requirement to attend to for furries, or anyone interested in it at all. Not everyone will have the time, money, or a way to travel the distance to arrive at the convention. They are like going to an amusement park: A fun place to go and have fun in, buy some souvenirs, and make fun memories in but not a necessity to enjoy life. And even if you don't post something often, it's ok. You have matters to attend to or resolve in your life. This isn't a necessity on being a furry as well.
Deciding if you are furry material or not is up to you only. Asking others for their opinion on what is a furry isn't bad either. But stating that someone isn't worthy of being a furry based on your opinion alone is never okay. A perfect idea of what it takes to be a furry never existed in the first place. The only person who can decide if you are a furry or not is you.
Just wanted to say that I think you do fantastic artwork and stories. Don't let anyone get you down! Hope that you're doing okay and that things continue to well for you.
All the best wishes to you!
So please, don't let anybody tell you that you are not a furry. You say you are one, so you are one. And you are a damn great furry artist too. Truly love your art, especially the one of the transforming kind, and the ones where you put a little story alongside them. It gives art so much more soul if a little bit of background is added to it. ^.=.^