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((TLDR for first half bellow))

Sorry for the inactivity, I've been struggling trying to get anything off my old laptop onto my new comp, it's just way too slow and crashes constantly, so I've spent forever trying to figure out what to do, especially since I can't afford re-buying my art programs, and starting all my coms and trades from scratch again would drive me friggin NUTS for the ones I've gotten past the multiple sketch redos stage and gotten rather far into. My sis helped me get the hybrid HDD out of my laptop and put it in a device that can plug it into my comp via USB, so when I get the chance to see my dad or my BFF that knows comps, I'll have them transfer the files to my comp so I can finally get back to digital and work on my owed work again after so friggin long, which will hopefully super soon. If I try to just transfer the normal way through USB it'll take FOREVER to get everything off of it, my dad wanted me to just hook it up to my comp as an extra HDD so it can access it at normal speeds and run the programs off of it, but idk what cords to plug in where for that, so it'll have to wait till he can visit to do, tho I do like that idea better than transferring, because my other HDD is a 3TB and it's slow at accessing anything in it because of it's huge size. lmao

SO YEAH THAT'S WHERE I'VE BEEN ARTISTICALLY, arting has been super hard with my art block going super strong as of late, but getting back on Adderall has really helped because a lot of it stems from my anxiety and depression, which both run fucking rampant with my ADHD out of check because they have 1239045283509328 trillion directions at once to take problems from or dwell on and also get paranoid over, and ofcourse the lack of true focus and such a vastly divided mind is incredibly frustrating which again adds to the anxiety. lol
My old doc who prescribed me Effexor was also the doc that said putting me back on ADHD meds had too much of a risk of sending me back into a life-threatening panic attack like the one I had before that almost stopped my heart, but along with Effexor being such a bad idea for a doc to have because of all the nasty side effects it gave me and is known for causing often, keeping me off Adderall was also a shitty plan too lmao, so I went back to my leftover ADHD meds while I wait for a chance to see a new psych doc to give me something better for my anxiety. My depression is almost completely gone, but my anxiety is still effecting my physical and mental health quite a bit even with the ADHD under control, so I know I have to get help for it again instead of just trying to avoid something like Effexor happening again, tho I will def make sure to get a doc that actually listens and considers my thought and opinions and experience, no ifs ands or buts.

TLDR; serious technical difficulties and mental health struggles made me super silent and unable to draw digitally this entire time, but I have solutions for both that will be solving everything very soon, especially the tech issues, so please hold tight!!


((APOLOGY BELOW PLEASE READ ALL OF IT IF YOU CAN))

My anxiety and depression also affect my confidence, and although I know it's no excuse and was still wrong for me to just go p much AWOL, all three of these kept me fleeing from trying to say any kind of update out of fear of backlash and just shame for not being able to do better for those I still owe things to. So I wanna apologize for that right now, I don't expect anyone to truly understand or forgive me, but I still have to own up to things and treat you all the respect you deserve and I am honestly so sorry with all of my heart that I couldn't do better for you guys. These mental issues running rampant are also largely to blame for why I've taken so long in the first place, aside from all the technical and irl difficulties I've had throughout the past year (even 2 years or so for some I promise I haven't forgotten!), between feeling I'm not doing well enough, and feeling I'm too slow, and then fearing reactions if I say anything or turning in things late, and even just that I'm not good enough to finish a piece well enough for it to be worth the wait, I've stalled so much, and what's even worse than that I can't afford to refund anyone of these amazingly awesome and patient customers, is that I never even apologized for it and let them know I understood and how I felt about it all and gave a full/honest explanation to anyone about it. Again from the bottom of my heart, with all these shame and regret filled tears none of you can physically see, I am so truly sorry that I not only took or am taking so long, but that I also never said any of this to any of you and kept it to myself out of all these stupid mental issues and wasn't good enough for you guys to be able to get past any of it for you all.

((Sorry I'm not putting a TLDR for this apology, I just don't feel it's something that should be shortened or summarized, it just wouldn't be right.))

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