thank u vodkano for putting that journal out for me :)
lifes a bit shit atm to be honest
i want a job: yes i do HOWEVER
whenever my parents are at work my dad is making me also get up at 7pm
this means i have to go to bed early and not talk to kieran as much as i want to and im sure you all know the situation anyway// if not its simply i live pretty much 2 hours drive away from him, i live in the north east of england he lives further down than me, luckily north leeds not south
either way this is a fucking pain since my parents have to take me to see him which is very few and far between, due to he works on weekends and sometimes fridays and he also has college like me/however less times, i do longer days and more of them

so thats already a pain however he doesnt go to bed till late or cant sleep so he gets up around 1pm//so i hardly get to talk to him(well message)
if anyone is also wondering im not actually suppost to have any online accounts which includes skype/discord/whatever you use online to speak to people, yknow to actually feel more connected with people by using 2017 technology??!!
im not even allowed steam since my dad is a fucking idiot sometimes sorry to be blunt

he litrally thinks he knows everything, ill talk about that later though

so to top it all off im learning how to drive, yesterday was my first lesson and yknow what i actually enjoyed it, my instrucor is lovely and said he didnt think i was a first time driver, which has boosted my confidence so much and my mam and bf are so proud of me, my dad always sounds so miserble about everything and even told me id never pass so im leaving him out of everything to do with driving minus expencies like insurance, if my mam could do it i would get her to//when i do pass i would love to see kieran more since he hasnt learnt how to drive yet or started and to be honest im completly ok with it since hes not ready and unlike me who was heavily pushed i dont want him to go through that either,

so to put this all together i am like most upset about how this is effecting YET AGAIN my relationship which has gone on for 10 months at this point yet it feels like forever and yknow i wanna maintain it,, im not the sort of person who just wants a small relationship for a quick fuck, im not like that AT ALL,, my previous relationship was actually a lesbian relationship which my parents heavily disagreed on and it lasted 2 years//

im not at all complaining i dont want a job i actually do
its just i have a vollentering job at a red cross charity shop and ive been doing it for a year, i love it every sunday,,
my mam wont let me get a "real" job on weekends since we go camping a lot and it would fuck up that every weekend but tbh i hate going so yknow///
yes it would only be a summer job but i have a very busy life atm and i wanna see my friends too
ive never been out with my friends from college before and nows the fucking time,,, i love my college friends theyre so nice and supportive even when they know how shit im feeling usually due to my relationship, it really gets me down when i cant see the one i love,,, i also enjoy time away from my parents honestly i need to sometimes especially my dad,,,

so going back to him, ofcourse hes my dad i have to love him
however he causes me a lot of problems like making me upset and angry, im an only child i dont have anyone to fight with but him and ofcourse he uses being an adult to his advantage, he told me back in APRIL when he almost moved out he'd set up a bank with me, its JULY and hes like go set it up yourself when tbh im an anxious wreck sometimes, IDK WHAT TO DO, id rather go with my mam and we can sort it out together,
about steam and his stupid know it all attuitude he thinks the following;//

//my mam plays a game called Criminal Case on her nearly 3 year old phone, im sure youve all heard about this mobile game, shes been playing it since she got the phone,, he blames that game FROM GOOGLE PLAY for how slow her phone is or how she doesnt get text messages, her phone is NEARLY 3 YEAR OLD AND WE LIVE IN AN AREA WHERE SHE CANT GET SIGNAL, i now help her btw she likes it when i help cos i dont blame
he also tells her to turn off her wifi on her phone because it "kills the internet"
yet she needs that wifi on her phone to talk to her friends on facebook, who tbh one of them isnt in a great place rn
this is why guys i dont have wifi on my phone and i use mobile data everywhere, the only internet i have is my laptop, least i have it tbh

//he says steam (same when i asked about fire alpaca, which in the end i just downloaded and guys its clean i have 3 antiviruses) is fake and causes viruses, yet he doesnt even know what it is, fair enough my laptop wouldnt handle steam but its not the point, having the option would be lovely for yet again connecting with my boyfriend so we can play games together online like Worms which we adore and always play together when i go to his, its a fucking shame cos i could be having fun with gaming really since i do think of myself as quiet the gamer, i have al my life tbh

//hes always paranoid me or my mam are "draining" his internet, the only exception for this is youtube which does use a lot of data, however i could be browsing google images for a refrence to draw or look something up he always says we have to turn off our wifi, so he can keep it to himself,
its getting beyond a joke

i really do wish a job but as you can all see, it wouldnt be good for me/ i cant do it due to not having a bank card//
i feel so bad for writing this huge vent but i do feel so much better now and im gonna get ready and buy some mushroom soup from asda near me since its my favourite thing
<3