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Update on My Condition
8 years ago
General
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First update journal 7/6:
I am finally able to write an update..
For the past month I have been going through the (mentally) hardest time of my entire life.. It all started from severe side effects from a medication I was on. I have been going through hell since.. I haven't been able to feel happiness since the day before we left Reno, NV (BLFC). I have tried everything.. for a few weeks I couldn't physically function right due to one of the symptoms: Mobile and Cognitive Impairment.. I was horribly depressed and unable to do even the simplest tasks. It was incredibly difficult to even take a shower. That finally wore off, but the depression stayed and got worse, along with my separation anxiety, all of my anxiety really. I was having hysterical crying spells 3-5 times a day, unable to do anything but curl up on the couch deep in my depression. I couldn't handle being alone. Every time My bf went to bed, I would cry and feel like my heart was breaking.. I STILL do... my depression improved a small amount, but is still incredibly bad. I have trouble doing simple things around the house. I can't handle even the smallest amount of pressure or stress.. I cry myself to sleep every night.. I spoke to my doctor and she is even recommending in-patient treatment... that is how bad I am.. This depression is truly crippling.... I'm terrified I'll never feel happiness again.....
Before anyone asks, no, I am not suicidal, thankfully. My doctor obviously took me off the meds with the side effects. She has no idea why this is happening for so long. They are doing a DNA test to see if I metabolize medication poorly, because that would explain a LOT.
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Current Update:
This is just an update on my condition.
It hasn't improved much at all since the last update.. I started to see some improvement for a few days last week but then Thursday came. I had to see the case manager for a yearly financial update. She was a cold, heartless bitch.. judging me the whole time, ask an inappropriate question and kept bring it up. Meanwhile I am crying horribly because I was terrified that my visit cost was gonna go up because of how much my bf makes. She obviously didn't give a shit about me one bit... She finally got all the forms done and told me the amount like it was nothing... visits went from $20 to $70.. as soon as she told me I broke down; crying even harder than I already was.. she wasn't sympathetic in any way whatsoever.. I left crying hysterically through the office and into a waiting room to get my meds refilled.. I just sat in the corner trying to cry quietly.. I finally left and sat in my car crying hysterically for like a half hour, continuing the whole way home.. I cried the entire day... Suddenly what progress I had made was instantly gone and I even got worse than I was... I cried on and off every day since.. Saturday we had to run the TN Furbowl (50+ people) and my anxiety was going nuts.. I had to force myself to keep it together. That lasted half the night.. the following night I cried for about two hours before I was able to calm down enough to sleep... I've been rough since.. I saw my doctor yesterday and she still recommends in-patient care, but I am doing everything I can to avoid it coming to that.. Cried the whole visit..After the visit I talked to someone about how unprofessional she was and how she treated me.
I feel a very little bit better today, but still very depressed and anxious.. My anxiety is pretty bad right now.. I haven't been able to work for the last month and a half and it has been eating away at me...All this has been a living nightmare...I just wanna feel like myself again..
**NEW UPDATE 9/19:**
I got a call from my doctor's nurse with more bad news... Remember that important DNA test I was gonna have done? Well they won't help with the cost one bit because how much my bf makes....So she gave me the cost of the test.... $1,750.. So I can't even have that done....wonderful...
I will be reposting this on all my other accounts.
If you have any questions or concerns, please note me..
First update journal 7/6:
I am finally able to write an update..
For the past month I have been going through the (mentally) hardest time of my entire life.. It all started from severe side effects from a medication I was on. I have been going through hell since.. I haven't been able to feel happiness since the day before we left Reno, NV (BLFC). I have tried everything.. for a few weeks I couldn't physically function right due to one of the symptoms: Mobile and Cognitive Impairment.. I was horribly depressed and unable to do even the simplest tasks. It was incredibly difficult to even take a shower. That finally wore off, but the depression stayed and got worse, along with my separation anxiety, all of my anxiety really. I was having hysterical crying spells 3-5 times a day, unable to do anything but curl up on the couch deep in my depression. I couldn't handle being alone. Every time My bf went to bed, I would cry and feel like my heart was breaking.. I STILL do... my depression improved a small amount, but is still incredibly bad. I have trouble doing simple things around the house. I can't handle even the smallest amount of pressure or stress.. I cry myself to sleep every night.. I spoke to my doctor and she is even recommending in-patient treatment... that is how bad I am.. This depression is truly crippling.... I'm terrified I'll never feel happiness again.....
Before anyone asks, no, I am not suicidal, thankfully. My doctor obviously took me off the meds with the side effects. She has no idea why this is happening for so long. They are doing a DNA test to see if I metabolize medication poorly, because that would explain a LOT.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Current Update:
This is just an update on my condition.
It hasn't improved much at all since the last update.. I started to see some improvement for a few days last week but then Thursday came. I had to see the case manager for a yearly financial update. She was a cold, heartless bitch.. judging me the whole time, ask an inappropriate question and kept bring it up. Meanwhile I am crying horribly because I was terrified that my visit cost was gonna go up because of how much my bf makes. She obviously didn't give a shit about me one bit... She finally got all the forms done and told me the amount like it was nothing... visits went from $20 to $70.. as soon as she told me I broke down; crying even harder than I already was.. she wasn't sympathetic in any way whatsoever.. I left crying hysterically through the office and into a waiting room to get my meds refilled.. I just sat in the corner trying to cry quietly.. I finally left and sat in my car crying hysterically for like a half hour, continuing the whole way home.. I cried the entire day... Suddenly what progress I had made was instantly gone and I even got worse than I was... I cried on and off every day since.. Saturday we had to run the TN Furbowl (50+ people) and my anxiety was going nuts.. I had to force myself to keep it together. That lasted half the night.. the following night I cried for about two hours before I was able to calm down enough to sleep... I've been rough since.. I saw my doctor yesterday and she still recommends in-patient care, but I am doing everything I can to avoid it coming to that.. Cried the whole visit..After the visit I talked to someone about how unprofessional she was and how she treated me.
I feel a very little bit better today, but still very depressed and anxious.. My anxiety is pretty bad right now.. I haven't been able to work for the last month and a half and it has been eating away at me...All this has been a living nightmare...I just wanna feel like myself again..
**NEW UPDATE 9/19:**
I got a call from my doctor's nurse with more bad news... Remember that important DNA test I was gonna have done? Well they won't help with the cost one bit because how much my bf makes....So she gave me the cost of the test.... $1,750.. So I can't even have that done....wonderful...
I will be reposting this on all my other accounts.
If you have any questions or concerns, please note me..
Have you considered seeing a therapist? I know I'm not a medical professional but if you ever need someone to talk to please don't hesitate contacting me.
-Wishing you all the best.
If you've got a good support system around you to help you through all of this, no matter how hard it may be, then with those around you to help you and care for you as a person and willing to help you maintain and manage it to the best of the abilities they have as a support person. Then hopefully it'll help things get a little better. Stay strong. You can pull through all this.
I'm always hoping for the best for you and that you can get some relief soon. Sending lots of good vibes your way <3