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Update (Sorta) 26 July 2017
8 years ago
i feel, i have been falling behind more and more with my art this month and even then my reasons for it, are rather stupid when others can do more simply by doing so than getting mentally locked.
(TL:DR my head needs privacy and I haven't been feeling good lately, also School starts in a month.)
in our house, we got used furniture (Bed frames specifically) so it means we have to rearrange the bedroom so we can put it in, it also means moving around the desk, the drawers, etc. for anyone, this sounds normal, though for me, since i share a room with my brother of 18 years, i lose my place of privacy. I use the desk, and had it so the screen is hidden from view and i had my back to the wall. I'm unable to do that now since before without bed frames, we just lifted the beds, and there was space, now there is a set area to put things in, so you can't move and rearrange things easily.
I tried sitting on my bed, though that's not very comfortable or levels to my liking, i often cut circulation to my legs for some reason or another. I tried having the desk rotated so i can it on my bed and have it facing the wall, but the off set elevator makes things uncomfortable and having to push the screen far back enough that others can see makes me uncomfortable. It doesn't help that has a craptop (laptop that is stupid slow and near unusable) so he often uses the laptop when I'm asleep and even after i wake up. Still, it's minecraft or other games, but i don't bother to get him off, I'm not really demanding/assertive, and that is my fault but what else can I do when it happens again? even then if he's on, what can I do? he's around i can't draw when he's around I just do other non-productive things. I wanna tell him already get your own damn laptop, just save up for an entry-level laptop and get on with it. Even if i had the room to myself, in the daytime there are still others. there is my littlest brother of 8 years, he wants attention or anything really, as a child wants, but i wanna do other things, i feel i need to get my work done first before giving him any time and even then..my patience for this kid has worn thin. it's my own fault, but i can't stand him anymore. i know my parents say I was exactly the same to make me built up tolerance, but it doesn't work. even I can't stand myself. if not him, then parents will need something from me, i have to do something for them online, call a number, send a fax, fix their phone, make sure the wifi works, etc. In the daytime there is that lingering feeling of "the moment i start, someone will want something from me" the moment i put the pen to the tablet, someone comes in. it seems to happen often if not regularly, so that feeling isn't justified and it bugs me. it's why i shifted my sleep to night times when out of classes, but parents hated it enough to just threatening cutting off the Internet or just me from things, so i had to fix my sleep according to them. Nighttime would've been my most productive times, now it's for sleep. ah well, life is life.
To add on, I've been feeling bad in my mind, it stems from my lack of productivity, the feeling of not meeting my standards, not keeping up with demand (Commissions not started/pending payments), the feeling of stress from feeling I'm behind on life knowing it's my own laziness and procrastination that put me there and the fact people telling me to do things only deteriorates me more, the fact I can't say no at times, and the feelings of envy creeping up on me. I know it's envy because i learned the definitions put in between envy and jealousy. A mini lesson: Envy is a two person situation where Jealousy is a three person situation. Envy is the feeling when you lack what someone else has, Jealousy is when you feel threatened someone else will take something you have.
these things really...well, it's my own fault for getting these things, i know we are all human in the end, it makes me grumpy, made, irritable, depressed, etc. It doesn't help anyone out and I don't know how to relax in any way.
People say to go for a walk, but i keep thinking there, people say go to the movies, i don't have money or am trying to save up for something else with what i made, people say play a game and i only ever play one nowadays and I don't have the luxury of others to play new or consoles games. it sucks i suppose, but even trying to play something, i can't seems to relax. in life i feel I'm heaving further and further behind since parents still try to get me to drive and get a license while i don't feel the need for it right now, but i should. my brother found a job while i haven't since commissions but now that commissions have slowed down a lot..well, it's not good on my mind either thinking I'm getting behind while my brother is going ahead. I've been told it's not a race, but it's near impossible to think it otherwise.
School, or University, College, whatever the term is, for me will start again at the near end of August on the 21st, it will be a return to form i suppose, but with more added stress knowing myself and my work ethnics. I'm not a good student, I will always say that, unless there is a class that interests me and that I will invest time in, I will more than likely just barely pass a class. I had that issue with general education and still holding on somehow. I've been advised to take full time courses, and now I am. 12 units, 4 classes, 4 days a week in the afternoon/evening. I have maybe 2 art classes, 2 Gen. Ed classes, only 1 of them really is interesting in me and that is Intro to Digital Modeling. after...2-3 years now? i lost count it feels like forever since I started, i got my first Hands-On animation course, that is as close as I'll get to 3d for the time being, and i want it to be worth it, but my impressions of the college say to me it's just a bare bones class, but what you make of it is what you get out of it, just get your degree and get out. That's I'll I'm trying to do now, and i have to keep up. I owe a lot to people don't I, and stilll the worst case for dropping out is a majorly disappointed pair of parents, and if my mother is still serious regarding near a year ago, she will kick me out of home.
Stress, it lingers a lot doesn't it? why isn't it a good motivator?
To those that commissioned me, I will try to get to work if you had paid me or given me work to do, if you wish to drop your commission slot because taking too long with no progress shown, please let me know and I will pass it on to someone else if someone wants a commission from me knowing the situation.
-end of vent/update
(TL:DR my head needs privacy and I haven't been feeling good lately, also School starts in a month.)
in our house, we got used furniture (Bed frames specifically) so it means we have to rearrange the bedroom so we can put it in, it also means moving around the desk, the drawers, etc. for anyone, this sounds normal, though for me, since i share a room with my brother of 18 years, i lose my place of privacy. I use the desk, and had it so the screen is hidden from view and i had my back to the wall. I'm unable to do that now since before without bed frames, we just lifted the beds, and there was space, now there is a set area to put things in, so you can't move and rearrange things easily.
I tried sitting on my bed, though that's not very comfortable or levels to my liking, i often cut circulation to my legs for some reason or another. I tried having the desk rotated so i can it on my bed and have it facing the wall, but the off set elevator makes things uncomfortable and having to push the screen far back enough that others can see makes me uncomfortable. It doesn't help that has a craptop (laptop that is stupid slow and near unusable) so he often uses the laptop when I'm asleep and even after i wake up. Still, it's minecraft or other games, but i don't bother to get him off, I'm not really demanding/assertive, and that is my fault but what else can I do when it happens again? even then if he's on, what can I do? he's around i can't draw when he's around I just do other non-productive things. I wanna tell him already get your own damn laptop, just save up for an entry-level laptop and get on with it. Even if i had the room to myself, in the daytime there are still others. there is my littlest brother of 8 years, he wants attention or anything really, as a child wants, but i wanna do other things, i feel i need to get my work done first before giving him any time and even then..my patience for this kid has worn thin. it's my own fault, but i can't stand him anymore. i know my parents say I was exactly the same to make me built up tolerance, but it doesn't work. even I can't stand myself. if not him, then parents will need something from me, i have to do something for them online, call a number, send a fax, fix their phone, make sure the wifi works, etc. In the daytime there is that lingering feeling of "the moment i start, someone will want something from me" the moment i put the pen to the tablet, someone comes in. it seems to happen often if not regularly, so that feeling isn't justified and it bugs me. it's why i shifted my sleep to night times when out of classes, but parents hated it enough to just threatening cutting off the Internet or just me from things, so i had to fix my sleep according to them. Nighttime would've been my most productive times, now it's for sleep. ah well, life is life.
To add on, I've been feeling bad in my mind, it stems from my lack of productivity, the feeling of not meeting my standards, not keeping up with demand (Commissions not started/pending payments), the feeling of stress from feeling I'm behind on life knowing it's my own laziness and procrastination that put me there and the fact people telling me to do things only deteriorates me more, the fact I can't say no at times, and the feelings of envy creeping up on me. I know it's envy because i learned the definitions put in between envy and jealousy. A mini lesson: Envy is a two person situation where Jealousy is a three person situation. Envy is the feeling when you lack what someone else has, Jealousy is when you feel threatened someone else will take something you have.
these things really...well, it's my own fault for getting these things, i know we are all human in the end, it makes me grumpy, made, irritable, depressed, etc. It doesn't help anyone out and I don't know how to relax in any way.
People say to go for a walk, but i keep thinking there, people say go to the movies, i don't have money or am trying to save up for something else with what i made, people say play a game and i only ever play one nowadays and I don't have the luxury of others to play new or consoles games. it sucks i suppose, but even trying to play something, i can't seems to relax. in life i feel I'm heaving further and further behind since parents still try to get me to drive and get a license while i don't feel the need for it right now, but i should. my brother found a job while i haven't since commissions but now that commissions have slowed down a lot..well, it's not good on my mind either thinking I'm getting behind while my brother is going ahead. I've been told it's not a race, but it's near impossible to think it otherwise.
School, or University, College, whatever the term is, for me will start again at the near end of August on the 21st, it will be a return to form i suppose, but with more added stress knowing myself and my work ethnics. I'm not a good student, I will always say that, unless there is a class that interests me and that I will invest time in, I will more than likely just barely pass a class. I had that issue with general education and still holding on somehow. I've been advised to take full time courses, and now I am. 12 units, 4 classes, 4 days a week in the afternoon/evening. I have maybe 2 art classes, 2 Gen. Ed classes, only 1 of them really is interesting in me and that is Intro to Digital Modeling. after...2-3 years now? i lost count it feels like forever since I started, i got my first Hands-On animation course, that is as close as I'll get to 3d for the time being, and i want it to be worth it, but my impressions of the college say to me it's just a bare bones class, but what you make of it is what you get out of it, just get your degree and get out. That's I'll I'm trying to do now, and i have to keep up. I owe a lot to people don't I, and stilll the worst case for dropping out is a majorly disappointed pair of parents, and if my mother is still serious regarding near a year ago, she will kick me out of home.
Stress, it lingers a lot doesn't it? why isn't it a good motivator?
To those that commissioned me, I will try to get to work if you had paid me or given me work to do, if you wish to drop your commission slot because taking too long with no progress shown, please let me know and I will pass it on to someone else if someone wants a commission from me knowing the situation.
-end of vent/update
