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The San Francisco Chronicles #1
16 years ago
Greetings,
With so much happening these past few weeks, there is no surprise that a lot has been stacking upon my mind. Something had been festering inside of me: searing beneath the skin until it slowly began to gnaw at the very fabric of my soul. Perhaps the route in which my life was traveling was one I could not live with any more, and that is what lead me to the position I am in now. So I found it fitting that I would find myself in the middle of the night with an urge to spill my thoughts upon the page. Those who know me, know that I have a love of writing, and through that medium I can find the words that I normally can not express in person. And now I reflect upon what has lead me to this point; the turning point -- a new beginning within San Francisco California.
More than half a year ago I technically graduated from Memphis College of Art, departing from my more than five year enrollment. I witnessed a lot of changes happen inside that building, and sadly I could not share in much of the better ones at the end. I tried, I truly did, but it was a time in my life were I was beginning to discover myself. Through that time I recall even leaving for Florida for a year, and that was one of the many critical building blocks in learning both the strengths and weaknesses of my overall character. There is no surprise when I state that I have not yet become a man, and I would be lying to myself if I stated otherwise. College felt more like High school for more, and I don't mean in the sense that it was an extension of High school – no.
I mean that I didn't learn anything in High school, nothing. Such wasted years of my youth spent within thick concrete walls, surrounded by the brooding insecurities of mindless spoiled youths that turned four years of my young life into a hellish nightmare I dare not ever desire to even think of repeating. I know now how little I learned, because I took away so much from my college years that I felt I actually could truly utilize the brain that I had been given. But that brain felt dormant and underused when I left College with a BFA, and though I created works of art and writing I could not help but feel I was missing something.
That something I found several months prior when I was lucky enough to spend my summer in Salt Lake City Utah, where I interned with Sensory Sweep Studios under Greg Davis. That was a wonderful experience, and even though the level of the company's overall standards of production and work flow were slightly under par - the people who worked within the walls of the company had a fantastic talent that ignited my own. I drew from their energies and transformed it into a creative muse that fueled many works throughout the entire summer. The feeling was similar to rare moments I had when I would visit the Furry Convention in Memphis Tennessee and spend my weekend with other talented artists far better than myself in skill.
I found that I desire the close proximity of other artists to inspire me and drive me, and without them I feel as though the flame within me begins to wither and perish. My passions become snuffed out, unable to feed off the creative energies I alone can not generate and without an external source - such as college briefly allowed - I found myself sinking into a stagnant state of uselessness. The months after my graduate churned on, and though I kept job hunting I felt as though I was missing out on many opportunities that could have fueled that flame. Memphis, TN is not exactly known for being a very creative place - overall. Certainly there are splendid minds and a fine college of arts, but the overall city drowns it beneath a very unpleasant stench that drives away many.
Memphis feels as though it is the sitting rain water tucked away in a discarded tire in America's backyard. There is no real flow, and the parasites thrive in the darkness and brood a form of life that is commonly found to be displeasing to many. I was brought face to face with this reality once again at Fed Ex. True, I had encountered this reality once before, but distance and time draw away on the true weight of its meaning. In many ways I am thankful for my mother's insistence at working at Fed Ex again after my years of retirement from that dank and dusty way of life. Many ghosts haunt that Memphis World Hub, and they are but the living dead which moan through the halls each and every day - living out a hell they had made for themselves without merit or reward.
You forget these things, or let your mind simply become distracted when you encounter them from afar. But in short period I worked at Fed Ex again, I found myself so dangerously close to these pathetic shades that I could not ignore them any longer. On the first of July, 2:43am, I had a revelation as I sat idle and pointlessly under utilized in the screening hall waiting for my car-pool buddy. Sitting there was like setting outside the gray gates of predatory, and I watched the spirits move in and out of with a look of glassy eyed dread transformed into a stern faced demeanor of necessity and hopelessness. Clear as crystal it all became, as these pour souls were bound to those pitiful gates - forced to cross through them day after day after day to do the same thing over and over and over again.
I, did not truly have to... Such a simple thought, but the impact of it was as weighted as a brick wall crumbling down upon my head and crushing me with the sheer truth of it. I was not bound to these walls by any true necessity other than the respect and devotion I have for my mother's judgment and clever common sense to form a logical prospective on live. That is how she survived, and that is how she raised me. But I felt the flame of my creativity slowly wither away with each passing night I came there, and if I did not act upon those realizations I would commit myself to the moaning purgatory I was now so dangerously close to being drawn within. I had to get away, far away, very far away.
This year's independence day had a completely different meaning for me. No, it was not about the fireworks, the family, or the food. It was about outlining the battle plan of my next, most startling leap of faith I had ever committed to -- leaving home. I did not want to waste the chance either, so I aimed for a logical place where I could utilize every resource I had at my disposal - San Francisco. My idle time after college wasn't wasted, as I encountered a couple of people who will make the location rather ideal for me. Not to mention a few other perks, such as it's near Silicon Valley, San Fran is also a bustling new age city on the very tip of modern society, and it's a very artistically driven place. I'm young, and I have every desire to succeed on my own without people holding my hand. Most of all, I want to truly be able to call myself a man - and every boy must undergo a right of passage.
For the longest time I've felt as though my development as a socially acceptable human being has been seven years behind the normal curve. Though I am nearly twenty seven, I do not feel as though I am even twenty one in mental growth. A lack of suitable surroundings has stunted my growth, and that is more a fault of geographical location more than the lack of proper rearing. Indeed, a lack of father figure in ones life does have an impact! Such a fact is only of the many reasons why I would desire to fully grow into a true man worthy of being able to bare children so that I could rear them with proper and dependable outlining to actually be of true benefit to society rather than just more space filler.
So where does this leave me now? -- I departed from home in a flurry really. Leaving much of my belongings behind, bringing with me only my computer and clothes I can actually wear. I left with my uncle, aunt, and cousin who were visiting Memphis for the week of July 4th and together we drove down to Texas. This has been my launching pad for the past several days, as I desired to stay put for a little bit longer as I continue to try and land a job in San Francisco. I have a place to stay, certainly I do, a cheap little hole in the ground somewhere in Oakland, CA but a mile away from the San Francisco bridge and walking distance from the many public transits. As much as I'd love to get there, I'm in no particular hurry.
In fact, I arrived in Texas on Saturday, and now it's Thursday of the following week. I don't intend to really set out until the weekend rolls around. I was anchored for a short time because I had some vibes of a potential job in Michigan, but since most of the people in charge of hiring just now decided to take a month's vacation -- it wasn't exactly logical to wait them out! So I plan to continue my trip soon, and with now with considerable funding and support from my family I have pocketed more than $500 in basic starting funds. This doesn't include the food stamps and general assistance I hope to enroll upon when I actually reach California.
My next step will take me on a two, perhaps three day trip to Salt Lake City Utah. I felt like it would be a delight to swing through there again on my way to California. I don't like driving through the desert, so I'm going north bound from Texas to avoid much of the barren emptiness and replace it with the tall evergreens of Colorado and the salty breeze of Utah. It will only add a meager four hours to my trip, so I see no real harm in the difference of route. Besides, I-80 is comfortable and familiar. I've driven that road before, and I will do it again. The more I think about it, the more I assure myself that San Francisco truly is the place for me. I intend to have a rough start, as such is a reality for everyone who wants to strike out on their own. But there are many things to look forward to!
I hope to be able to embrace my artistic side there and not feel awkward about my beliefs, furthermore there is even a furry convention in San Jose called Further Confusion that I'll be able to attend in January. Of course there are even people in the area that I've spoken with for years, and will finally have a chance to actually meet in person. So yes, there is quite a bit I can do there. I won't be alone, despite being on my own. My family has been very supportive of my choices, and I do not wish to disappoint them. But the one person I don't want to disappoint the most, yes even more than my mother, is myself. I have quite a task before more, a challenge I have never faced before. I believe in myself, know myself, and am comfortable with myself. That took a lot of soul searching, but without those qualities I would surely fail.
I will keep you all informed as things progress. There will be a lot to share. I don't turn my back on those who have supported me in the past, and I look forward to hearing from you all in the future.
Signing off for now,
Orlean Knight
With so much happening these past few weeks, there is no surprise that a lot has been stacking upon my mind. Something had been festering inside of me: searing beneath the skin until it slowly began to gnaw at the very fabric of my soul. Perhaps the route in which my life was traveling was one I could not live with any more, and that is what lead me to the position I am in now. So I found it fitting that I would find myself in the middle of the night with an urge to spill my thoughts upon the page. Those who know me, know that I have a love of writing, and through that medium I can find the words that I normally can not express in person. And now I reflect upon what has lead me to this point; the turning point -- a new beginning within San Francisco California.
More than half a year ago I technically graduated from Memphis College of Art, departing from my more than five year enrollment. I witnessed a lot of changes happen inside that building, and sadly I could not share in much of the better ones at the end. I tried, I truly did, but it was a time in my life were I was beginning to discover myself. Through that time I recall even leaving for Florida for a year, and that was one of the many critical building blocks in learning both the strengths and weaknesses of my overall character. There is no surprise when I state that I have not yet become a man, and I would be lying to myself if I stated otherwise. College felt more like High school for more, and I don't mean in the sense that it was an extension of High school – no.
I mean that I didn't learn anything in High school, nothing. Such wasted years of my youth spent within thick concrete walls, surrounded by the brooding insecurities of mindless spoiled youths that turned four years of my young life into a hellish nightmare I dare not ever desire to even think of repeating. I know now how little I learned, because I took away so much from my college years that I felt I actually could truly utilize the brain that I had been given. But that brain felt dormant and underused when I left College with a BFA, and though I created works of art and writing I could not help but feel I was missing something.
That something I found several months prior when I was lucky enough to spend my summer in Salt Lake City Utah, where I interned with Sensory Sweep Studios under Greg Davis. That was a wonderful experience, and even though the level of the company's overall standards of production and work flow were slightly under par - the people who worked within the walls of the company had a fantastic talent that ignited my own. I drew from their energies and transformed it into a creative muse that fueled many works throughout the entire summer. The feeling was similar to rare moments I had when I would visit the Furry Convention in Memphis Tennessee and spend my weekend with other talented artists far better than myself in skill.
I found that I desire the close proximity of other artists to inspire me and drive me, and without them I feel as though the flame within me begins to wither and perish. My passions become snuffed out, unable to feed off the creative energies I alone can not generate and without an external source - such as college briefly allowed - I found myself sinking into a stagnant state of uselessness. The months after my graduate churned on, and though I kept job hunting I felt as though I was missing out on many opportunities that could have fueled that flame. Memphis, TN is not exactly known for being a very creative place - overall. Certainly there are splendid minds and a fine college of arts, but the overall city drowns it beneath a very unpleasant stench that drives away many.
Memphis feels as though it is the sitting rain water tucked away in a discarded tire in America's backyard. There is no real flow, and the parasites thrive in the darkness and brood a form of life that is commonly found to be displeasing to many. I was brought face to face with this reality once again at Fed Ex. True, I had encountered this reality once before, but distance and time draw away on the true weight of its meaning. In many ways I am thankful for my mother's insistence at working at Fed Ex again after my years of retirement from that dank and dusty way of life. Many ghosts haunt that Memphis World Hub, and they are but the living dead which moan through the halls each and every day - living out a hell they had made for themselves without merit or reward.
You forget these things, or let your mind simply become distracted when you encounter them from afar. But in short period I worked at Fed Ex again, I found myself so dangerously close to these pathetic shades that I could not ignore them any longer. On the first of July, 2:43am, I had a revelation as I sat idle and pointlessly under utilized in the screening hall waiting for my car-pool buddy. Sitting there was like setting outside the gray gates of predatory, and I watched the spirits move in and out of with a look of glassy eyed dread transformed into a stern faced demeanor of necessity and hopelessness. Clear as crystal it all became, as these pour souls were bound to those pitiful gates - forced to cross through them day after day after day to do the same thing over and over and over again.
I, did not truly have to... Such a simple thought, but the impact of it was as weighted as a brick wall crumbling down upon my head and crushing me with the sheer truth of it. I was not bound to these walls by any true necessity other than the respect and devotion I have for my mother's judgment and clever common sense to form a logical prospective on live. That is how she survived, and that is how she raised me. But I felt the flame of my creativity slowly wither away with each passing night I came there, and if I did not act upon those realizations I would commit myself to the moaning purgatory I was now so dangerously close to being drawn within. I had to get away, far away, very far away.
This year's independence day had a completely different meaning for me. No, it was not about the fireworks, the family, or the food. It was about outlining the battle plan of my next, most startling leap of faith I had ever committed to -- leaving home. I did not want to waste the chance either, so I aimed for a logical place where I could utilize every resource I had at my disposal - San Francisco. My idle time after college wasn't wasted, as I encountered a couple of people who will make the location rather ideal for me. Not to mention a few other perks, such as it's near Silicon Valley, San Fran is also a bustling new age city on the very tip of modern society, and it's a very artistically driven place. I'm young, and I have every desire to succeed on my own without people holding my hand. Most of all, I want to truly be able to call myself a man - and every boy must undergo a right of passage.
For the longest time I've felt as though my development as a socially acceptable human being has been seven years behind the normal curve. Though I am nearly twenty seven, I do not feel as though I am even twenty one in mental growth. A lack of suitable surroundings has stunted my growth, and that is more a fault of geographical location more than the lack of proper rearing. Indeed, a lack of father figure in ones life does have an impact! Such a fact is only of the many reasons why I would desire to fully grow into a true man worthy of being able to bare children so that I could rear them with proper and dependable outlining to actually be of true benefit to society rather than just more space filler.
So where does this leave me now? -- I departed from home in a flurry really. Leaving much of my belongings behind, bringing with me only my computer and clothes I can actually wear. I left with my uncle, aunt, and cousin who were visiting Memphis for the week of July 4th and together we drove down to Texas. This has been my launching pad for the past several days, as I desired to stay put for a little bit longer as I continue to try and land a job in San Francisco. I have a place to stay, certainly I do, a cheap little hole in the ground somewhere in Oakland, CA but a mile away from the San Francisco bridge and walking distance from the many public transits. As much as I'd love to get there, I'm in no particular hurry.
In fact, I arrived in Texas on Saturday, and now it's Thursday of the following week. I don't intend to really set out until the weekend rolls around. I was anchored for a short time because I had some vibes of a potential job in Michigan, but since most of the people in charge of hiring just now decided to take a month's vacation -- it wasn't exactly logical to wait them out! So I plan to continue my trip soon, and with now with considerable funding and support from my family I have pocketed more than $500 in basic starting funds. This doesn't include the food stamps and general assistance I hope to enroll upon when I actually reach California.
My next step will take me on a two, perhaps three day trip to Salt Lake City Utah. I felt like it would be a delight to swing through there again on my way to California. I don't like driving through the desert, so I'm going north bound from Texas to avoid much of the barren emptiness and replace it with the tall evergreens of Colorado and the salty breeze of Utah. It will only add a meager four hours to my trip, so I see no real harm in the difference of route. Besides, I-80 is comfortable and familiar. I've driven that road before, and I will do it again. The more I think about it, the more I assure myself that San Francisco truly is the place for me. I intend to have a rough start, as such is a reality for everyone who wants to strike out on their own. But there are many things to look forward to!
I hope to be able to embrace my artistic side there and not feel awkward about my beliefs, furthermore there is even a furry convention in San Jose called Further Confusion that I'll be able to attend in January. Of course there are even people in the area that I've spoken with for years, and will finally have a chance to actually meet in person. So yes, there is quite a bit I can do there. I won't be alone, despite being on my own. My family has been very supportive of my choices, and I do not wish to disappoint them. But the one person I don't want to disappoint the most, yes even more than my mother, is myself. I have quite a task before more, a challenge I have never faced before. I believe in myself, know myself, and am comfortable with myself. That took a lot of soul searching, but without those qualities I would surely fail.
I will keep you all informed as things progress. There will be a lot to share. I don't turn my back on those who have supported me in the past, and I look forward to hearing from you all in the future.
Signing off for now,
Orlean Knight
The sentiment rings true, good sir. Been dragging myself back to see more of local creative folk. Found an art school of sorts nearby where I've been dropping in for life drawing when I can. And of course, getting back online. It's done wonders for my mood.
A change of scenery would be lovely, but I'm grounded by a number of factors. I wish you all the best, and even if there's no fame or fortune, may you reach that piece of joy and peace of mind you need.
And that's as eloquent as I'm getting. Rock on!