I'm at the TSA Bash in Ten. this weekend. And as usual whenever I'm at a con, I feel...something unresolved. Some feeling of isolation even in a group in which I belong. And as usual I have to ask, why do I feel this way? Why is it when they do RPG fun time do I dread it so much? I mean they should do it, they're having fun and they deserve it. But even if invited I wouldn't join in. Partially because the only RPG I've ever had fun with was run by  vrraven but still.

Mostly though it's because I feel out of place. Again this is nothing anyone here has done, they are all wonderful people. Phil the first time I met him made a point to talk to me and make me feel welcome. So no one is doing anything wrong. The issue is with me. As usual it's with me.

And in my case it's that I come to places like this with their own traditions and things they do fur fun and that's great. But they aren't my traditions. I didn't have any say in them, they were there when I arrived. And everyone enjoys them, again good for them. I just don't. And it makes me feel...out of place for lack of a better term. Everyone enjoys doing one thing, they expect to do it. I go the other way.

Part of it is also that I always wonder how close I can get to anyone here. Aside from  rimme I don't talk to anyone from the TSA list or bash with any regularity. I might speak to  matthiasrat once or twice every few months. Otherwise I see them once a year and I don't...feel any desire to try and know anyone. Again this is not against ANYONE here. It's just I see how connected everyone else is and even trying to break into that I feel I will only have limited success. They'll always know each other and be closer to each other than me. And that's fine, they've known each other longer.

But I always have that niggling feeling in the back of my mind, no matter how inviting everyone is. And I suspect part of it is even though I am a transformation enthusiast, my joining this group so much later than anyone besides  rimme limits my presence in it. And yes I could just be talking out of my ass here, a lot of these thoughts come from my rather severe...well I might as well go ahead and announce it.

I got a call after Mass today for setting up a psychiatrist's visit. I might, in fact I probably have bipolar disorder. I'm hoping not, though the alternative is a rather extreme form of depression which isn't much better. Again this knowledge today has weighed on me and today especially my feelings of isolation sky rocketed.

At the same time I have a strange reaction to this isolation. Their are many people I am close to. Their are five in particular who I have a special friendship with. My friends  rimme,  tireaniwin,  vrraven,  indagare and  heavensteed. If I was to bring someone from the TSA anything with me with one or two of them around I bet they'd feel out of place as well.

Having close connections to people isn't bad. The isolation others may feel isn't your fault, it's just a facet of life. I have close spiritual ties with two people online who have helped me grow in my faith,  geoffroidecharny and  salvestro. Matthiasrat knows both and he and Rimme both have hung out with Salvestro in real life. But I feel a special kinship to Salvestro because he convinced me to convert. That relationship is unique, something that can't be penetrated or replicated.

The isolation I feel isn't real, because people are inviting me in. At the same time it is real since all these bonds already existed and I have to form my own. Interactions with people are complicated, sometimes wonderful and sometimes sorrowful. But even if you do feel isolated like I do, you have to accept others have bonds you don't. You have bonds they don't. And you're lonely now, but that is temporary.

It's all temporary. Sometimes it's hard to remember that.