FA+
Shop
A Rant About Self Growth
8 years ago
General
SO like, hey.
I've been on both ends of the "treated someone like absolute shit because of trauma/MI" coin. I've been treated like shit, and I've unfortunately treated someone else like shit. Both aren't fun or good.
Impulses and coping mechanism can be hard to work with or correct. Sometimes they're harmless, but often times they can be harmful, toxic or even outright abusive toward those around you.
I know it can be easy to just chalk it up to trauma or your mental illness and call it a day. "This is just how I am, if you don't know this, now you do." "If you have a problem with how I act, you're ableist."
That kind of sentiment is... not okay. I know shit's fucking hard, I know I know I know. I experience it myself, I have ugly symptoms that make me act out and have caused hurt to others even though I didn't want to.
The thing is, though! It's possible to at least mitigate it. It's also possible to find healthier coping mechanisms that won't hurt you or others. It may require research and trial and error on top of lots of effort to correct yourself, but it's possible. You can better yourself.
Mistakes happen. We're only human. You're bound to slip up and act out even if you think you finally have things under control. That's okay, it doesn't automatically make you a horrible person.
However, the way you handle the aftermath of that speaks volumes. I've had someone who just kept handwaving things, excusing them, and putting everything onto me instead of them. Which.. brings me to some stuff I feel very, very strongly about.
If someone comes to you to tell you that you've upset or hurt them, or made a mistake... it can be easy to guilt spiral and self-flagellate in front of that person. It's easy to see why one might think that's an acceptable way to appease someone, but it's... really not. In fact, it can make things worse and bork up your relationship with that person by making that person feel unable to communicate with you any more. What you're doing, whether you intended to or not, is making the person you hurt comfort you. You are taking the pain you inflicted on that person and making it about you instead of handling the situation how you're supposed to.
"What am I supposed to do then?" you may wonder. Easy!
Just apologize for what you've done. Listen to the person's concerns, and give a sincere apology. If you can, find out if there's anything you can do to help avoid repeating the offense and do what you can to ensure you do that.
It can be hard to resist the kneejerk reaction to beat yourself up and guilt spiral, but trust me. It's worth it. You and your friends/loved ones deserve to be able to communicate healthily with one another and solve problems in equally healthy ways, together.
Mmm this next bit might be a little more harsh, and I can't find a good way to segue into it smoothly, so bear with me here...
Possessiveness.
People are not things for you to own or claim. You cannot just decide to own someone just because they're your best friend/fave person/significant other/whatthefuckever.
People are people, they are not toys, they are not objects for you to covet alone. They are allowed to have friends and lives of their own. You cannot expect someone to just set their own problems and lives aside just to care for you and hold your hand. You just... can't. If you see a problem with allowing someone to take care of themself, to socialize with others and have their own lives... You Really Need To Fix That. Asap. Because that's toxic, that's shitty, and it will make you abusive. You cannot own someone. You are not entitled to another living person's life and you never will be.
Trauma, mental illnesses, personality disorders, none of it are excuses to mistreat or abuse other people. They are not things you can use to get out of self improvement or self growth. They can be hard to cope with, and they may never go away, but it's not impossible to at least find healthier ways to handle them so you don't hurt yourself or the people you're supposed to care about. It's not a reason to stop caring about the feelings of others, or handling your own actions like a proper person. Yes, we're all growing and learning, but if you refuse to learn from your own mistakes, you will never get better.
If you think that's ableist or whatever, stay away from me and my friends. We're tired.
I've been on both ends of the "treated someone like absolute shit because of trauma/MI" coin. I've been treated like shit, and I've unfortunately treated someone else like shit. Both aren't fun or good.
Impulses and coping mechanism can be hard to work with or correct. Sometimes they're harmless, but often times they can be harmful, toxic or even outright abusive toward those around you.
I know it can be easy to just chalk it up to trauma or your mental illness and call it a day. "This is just how I am, if you don't know this, now you do." "If you have a problem with how I act, you're ableist."
That kind of sentiment is... not okay. I know shit's fucking hard, I know I know I know. I experience it myself, I have ugly symptoms that make me act out and have caused hurt to others even though I didn't want to.
The thing is, though! It's possible to at least mitigate it. It's also possible to find healthier coping mechanisms that won't hurt you or others. It may require research and trial and error on top of lots of effort to correct yourself, but it's possible. You can better yourself.
Mistakes happen. We're only human. You're bound to slip up and act out even if you think you finally have things under control. That's okay, it doesn't automatically make you a horrible person.
However, the way you handle the aftermath of that speaks volumes. I've had someone who just kept handwaving things, excusing them, and putting everything onto me instead of them. Which.. brings me to some stuff I feel very, very strongly about.
If someone comes to you to tell you that you've upset or hurt them, or made a mistake... it can be easy to guilt spiral and self-flagellate in front of that person. It's easy to see why one might think that's an acceptable way to appease someone, but it's... really not. In fact, it can make things worse and bork up your relationship with that person by making that person feel unable to communicate with you any more. What you're doing, whether you intended to or not, is making the person you hurt comfort you. You are taking the pain you inflicted on that person and making it about you instead of handling the situation how you're supposed to.
"What am I supposed to do then?" you may wonder. Easy!
Just apologize for what you've done. Listen to the person's concerns, and give a sincere apology. If you can, find out if there's anything you can do to help avoid repeating the offense and do what you can to ensure you do that.
It can be hard to resist the kneejerk reaction to beat yourself up and guilt spiral, but trust me. It's worth it. You and your friends/loved ones deserve to be able to communicate healthily with one another and solve problems in equally healthy ways, together.
Mmm this next bit might be a little more harsh, and I can't find a good way to segue into it smoothly, so bear with me here...
Possessiveness.
People are not things for you to own or claim. You cannot just decide to own someone just because they're your best friend/fave person/significant other/whatthefuckever.
People are people, they are not toys, they are not objects for you to covet alone. They are allowed to have friends and lives of their own. You cannot expect someone to just set their own problems and lives aside just to care for you and hold your hand. You just... can't. If you see a problem with allowing someone to take care of themself, to socialize with others and have their own lives... You Really Need To Fix That. Asap. Because that's toxic, that's shitty, and it will make you abusive. You cannot own someone. You are not entitled to another living person's life and you never will be.
Trauma, mental illnesses, personality disorders, none of it are excuses to mistreat or abuse other people. They are not things you can use to get out of self improvement or self growth. They can be hard to cope with, and they may never go away, but it's not impossible to at least find healthier ways to handle them so you don't hurt yourself or the people you're supposed to care about. It's not a reason to stop caring about the feelings of others, or handling your own actions like a proper person. Yes, we're all growing and learning, but if you refuse to learn from your own mistakes, you will never get better.
If you think that's ableist or whatever, stay away from me and my friends. We're tired.
vovyena
~vovyena
Very well worded and definitely something that needs to be said
D0ZEoff
~d0zeoff
OP
Thank you, I'm glad qoq
