I'm sorry I've been so bad with contact.
Whether its my living with the inlaws, or in my own place with my fiance I've been distant.

I am distant for many reasons and i feel like i must try to put it to words so that people can maybe hopefully understand why?

i'm terrible if it isn't instant messaging. i forget about PM's and texting. i honestly hate pming cause when i'm talking about something and i come back to it when able i just dont want to talk about that subject any more..

I'm not the greatest with controlling my borderline. No, I'm knot getting the proper help as vernon is full and there is a huge waiting list for help.

I have troubles with interpersonal relationship skills and my anxiety doesn't help in that area either.

I feel like i dont connect with many people and when i do i may become too clingy as is one of the traits i deal with from bpd.

I dont feel like i'm able to connect with people on a proper level and sometimes i feel like i'm an outsider looking in a lot of the time and feel like i'm bothering people because of the feelings i've been getting off of people. dunno if thats a lot of internalizing or a combination of a few things but just how i feel.

If i feel like things are totally awkward with myself and another person after trying to reestablish connection i will withdraw and feel like i fucked up once again. Again another stupid side effect.

i've been going through a lot when it comes to shit that triggers both my bpd and my depression which leads me into this viscous cycle thats hard to escape from. i've been dealing with loss, changes, death, and a few other things and i just can't seem to get a break from it. i'm beginning to learn more and more who my friends are and who is there.

i'm having to accept that one of my friends is sick and shit.. i dont want to loose one of my friends that i talk to and see on the regular. it kills me that he's in so much pain and i can't do anything but be there. i want to fix it but i can't. i can't take away the cancer i can't take the pain away. but i can go and visit when i know there isn't anything going on because it makes his day knowing that he's got friends and family who are there for him, and i'm glad to put a smile on his face and make things better. but i have accepted that this year isn't the best for me when it comes to loosing loved ones and friends.

I learned that another one of my friends is going through something similar and i'll be loosing them too..

I'm dealing with it the best i can and please understand that i'm not 'bothering' you by messaging because i dont want to be constantly the downer and so on. i just sometimes want to see how you're doing and have you know i haven't forgotten you and i'm reaching out the best way i can asking how you're doing.

Im just dealing with a lot of loss right now guys. please bear with me.. i'm doing the best i can when able. Just dont forget me?