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So stressful --
8 years ago
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I know all of this has to be for the better, considering what I've been put through, it's so stressful.
I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow, then my therapy session, my mom wants me to shack up in her storage room... so I need like, a bed and- stuff.
It's- sigh, I've been with my husband since I was 16 and I moved out as soon as I turned 18, now I'm going to be 31 and have no idea what to do, ya know?
My life has been taking care of him, and I mean in all aspects!
I had to learn electrical wiring, roofing, sewing (for LARP so like, clothes making), when he went back to school I would help him with his homework, read his chapters to him, go with him as moral support, when he got food poisoning I was there to clean his vomit and hold the buckets, I literally carried him to the doctor's office and didn't sleep for two days while I took care of him, which resulted in me getting sick on my birthday, I was emotional and physical support.
When he got in that car accident at work I helped him with his physical therapy, messaging him, helping him stretch.
I learned how to cook just for him, I always took his side and backed him up.
I've kept his secrets and his shames.
I stayed after he hurt me, as he humiliated me, stripped me, bruised me, shoved photos of us together in my face and said I had thrown or relationship away because he thought I was planning on cheating on him, because I didn't listen to him when he told me not to be friends with men, when he had sex with me and I didn't have the option of saying no because I was already naked and crying, begging god to kill me where I lay curled up on our bed.
He used me, grabbed my head and threatened to get me pregnant, then after he pushed me aside like trash and refused to look at me saying that it would take time for him to trust me again. But I was expected to continue on, expected to cook and clean, to act like nothing happened while he hung out with his friends and I hid away for months.
I forced the memories away and tried to get over, like he always told me too, and when it all came screaming back I hurt myself, and of course he was upset.
I never brought up what was bothering me because he had told me all those years before, I deserved what happened, it was all my fault and I should get over it because it happened so long ago.
And I never once openly blamed him, never said he was a bad person, never said I wanted to leave him.
And now I'm direction-less.
I don't know what to do, how to heal, I changed everything about myself to make him happy, to try and help him with his own issues, but now it's over.
Who would want me, love me?
I'm here, alone. Scared, terrified out of my mind trying to drown it all in distractions and numbing myself.
While I see him. Telling me he loves me but doesn't want to hurt me, kicking me out of a home I made mine while he dedicated himself to LARPs and gaming. While I fixed leaking roofs and broken appliances and he had the support of many and I could say nothing.
And he wonders where all this comes from now that I can speak up without breaking down on tears, why this still hurts me when he never made the effort to make things right, where he says he has apologized over and over but I have no memory of them.
When this all happened he went online and told his friends how I betrayed his trust, how I hurt him, and they told him to put me in my place. And they live their lives never knowing how they hurt someone. Even he takes no responsibility and now says we both did wrong, we both made mistakes. My mistake was believing he would never hurt me, would never raise his voice in hate and rage, the way he did to his mother.
He's convinced his friends that I'm emotionally abusive, that it was all one-sided and he's the victim. I am lucky that some of them come to me and tell me what he says, that he has gone onto my phone and computer, taken screen shots of my conversations and sends them to the woman who wanted to fuck him, who was once my friend but who believes his lies rather than my truth.
I want it all out there. What he did, what he keeps doing.
To remind me, not to be a fool and fall for his talk again.
All I want back is something I can't get and it's his fault.
I'm sorry for unloading.
I'm scared to talk to people, I don't trust many aside from my own mom.
I'm not stupid or crazy am I? After all this I deserve better, right? I'm not wrong, am I?
-- Tsu
I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow, then my therapy session, my mom wants me to shack up in her storage room... so I need like, a bed and- stuff.
It's- sigh, I've been with my husband since I was 16 and I moved out as soon as I turned 18, now I'm going to be 31 and have no idea what to do, ya know?
My life has been taking care of him, and I mean in all aspects!
I had to learn electrical wiring, roofing, sewing (for LARP so like, clothes making), when he went back to school I would help him with his homework, read his chapters to him, go with him as moral support, when he got food poisoning I was there to clean his vomit and hold the buckets, I literally carried him to the doctor's office and didn't sleep for two days while I took care of him, which resulted in me getting sick on my birthday, I was emotional and physical support.
When he got in that car accident at work I helped him with his physical therapy, messaging him, helping him stretch.
I learned how to cook just for him, I always took his side and backed him up.
I've kept his secrets and his shames.
I stayed after he hurt me, as he humiliated me, stripped me, bruised me, shoved photos of us together in my face and said I had thrown or relationship away because he thought I was planning on cheating on him, because I didn't listen to him when he told me not to be friends with men, when he had sex with me and I didn't have the option of saying no because I was already naked and crying, begging god to kill me where I lay curled up on our bed.
He used me, grabbed my head and threatened to get me pregnant, then after he pushed me aside like trash and refused to look at me saying that it would take time for him to trust me again. But I was expected to continue on, expected to cook and clean, to act like nothing happened while he hung out with his friends and I hid away for months.
I forced the memories away and tried to get over, like he always told me too, and when it all came screaming back I hurt myself, and of course he was upset.
I never brought up what was bothering me because he had told me all those years before, I deserved what happened, it was all my fault and I should get over it because it happened so long ago.
And I never once openly blamed him, never said he was a bad person, never said I wanted to leave him.
And now I'm direction-less.
I don't know what to do, how to heal, I changed everything about myself to make him happy, to try and help him with his own issues, but now it's over.
Who would want me, love me?
I'm here, alone. Scared, terrified out of my mind trying to drown it all in distractions and numbing myself.
While I see him. Telling me he loves me but doesn't want to hurt me, kicking me out of a home I made mine while he dedicated himself to LARPs and gaming. While I fixed leaking roofs and broken appliances and he had the support of many and I could say nothing.
And he wonders where all this comes from now that I can speak up without breaking down on tears, why this still hurts me when he never made the effort to make things right, where he says he has apologized over and over but I have no memory of them.
When this all happened he went online and told his friends how I betrayed his trust, how I hurt him, and they told him to put me in my place. And they live their lives never knowing how they hurt someone. Even he takes no responsibility and now says we both did wrong, we both made mistakes. My mistake was believing he would never hurt me, would never raise his voice in hate and rage, the way he did to his mother.
He's convinced his friends that I'm emotionally abusive, that it was all one-sided and he's the victim. I am lucky that some of them come to me and tell me what he says, that he has gone onto my phone and computer, taken screen shots of my conversations and sends them to the woman who wanted to fuck him, who was once my friend but who believes his lies rather than my truth.
I want it all out there. What he did, what he keeps doing.
To remind me, not to be a fool and fall for his talk again.
All I want back is something I can't get and it's his fault.
I'm sorry for unloading.
I'm scared to talk to people, I don't trust many aside from my own mom.
I'm not stupid or crazy am I? After all this I deserve better, right? I'm not wrong, am I?
-- Tsu
What you're doing, what you're feeling, everything
You deserve to unload, you deserve to remind yourself to not go back, to continue with your life
And you do deserve better
You are right Tsu, don't forget that. You are right *hug*
And remember, you are wonderful and lovely! Don't let anyone tell you any different!
You're not directionless, you're life just isn't linear anymore. Like playing a sandbox RPG, just pick a direction and start walking. You'll run into something eventually. And look at the skills you have! Roofing, wiring, sewing, that's three useful things you can put toward your own home! You've been led to believe, from such a young age, that all your life was was being a domestic slave. You cook for the man, you massage the man, you feel violated while the man has his fun, but that's not a life, is it? It's one thing to be a housewife, it's another to be used. And you've been taught, brainwashed even, into believing that this is it. You'll never amount to nothing, that you're gonna die in the same cycle, obeying someone who doesn't love you, probably never did. Someone who knows how to play the game, win the vote, make you the public enemy while he tortures you behind the scenes and everyone cheers like he's doing the world a favor.
But that time is ending now. It's scary, I know, it will be when you've never been free. First you were a child under your parents roof, then an young adult under his thumb, now an adult with no idea what to do and no one ordering you about. It's okay to feel numb right now, you need to push through to the end of all this drama, you'll have time to breakdown later. But you need to understand that you've got an entire life ahead of you. Get yourself sorted, get a tiny home for yourself, find a job, live a normal life and indulge in normal things you wanna indulge in. Learn to stop guilting yourself, to stop believing the bullshit you've been fed all these years. No more slaving for an ungrateful prick, no more lies, no more fearing the person laid next to you each night, no more panic attacks over the thought that he'll touch you again. You'll get a new start. You've been trapped inside a world people have forced you into, living a lie you thought was your destiny. Only now, given recent events, the doors have opened and you're understandable terrified of the daylight you've been denied for so, so long. But eventually, you'll learn it's not scary. It's hard, real life is always hard, but it's better to fight for the life you want than to suffer in a life you want to end. And this is coming from a guy who lives in the shadows. A guy who's entire life has been lived in darkness until he became one with it. But even my life has moonlight, love. And it's a fucking beautiful sight to me, every god damn time I see it.
You're free now. Your fears will end. You're not alone like you think you are and you are so, so loved. If nothing else, then by me. You don't have to be afraid of the future, and the present is a mad dash sprint to the finish, but isn't that the fun of it! The chaos, the madness of it all, all to be free! And you will be, even if I have to fly over there, steal the materials, build the house myself and nick a private jet to fly back to England (and find time to cold-cock your ex in the process).
You're gonna be free, Juju. The cage is nearly open. You'll find being afraid isn't a problem when you're out.
As for your bedding: Blankets and dog pillows (the big ones). I use them, it's pretty nice and 100% portable!
And you don't need to know what he still thinks of you or tells his friends about you, what his current girlfriends think, or how he's doing, or whatever, although you do need to make sure he doesn't have any more access to your personal stuff, your locks and passwords are changed, etc. That's in the past and he's in the past.
Self awareness if the first step to figuring out where to go, so you're not completely lost. After all, you got rid of him and are gearing up for a life without him, and that's progress.
And, hey, maybe you can build on those skills so you can someday do them for someone who appreciates them, like a client who pays you money for it.