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The Bun Rambles Vol 11 (poly & mental health inside)
8 years ago
General
Want something quilted or written special for you or someone special? Talk to me about it, & maybe we can work something out!!!
I've got 3 people that I consider sweethearts. The fiance, the one who I feel like is the one that got away even though they keep telling me they're still here, & the one who keeps telling me that they want me but doesn't really pay much attention to me. Keep in mind, I enjoy long distance relationships. I enjoy the emotional bonds, I don't require nearly as much physical satisfaction as I used to (gee thanks bipolar meds). But man...It's not even that I'm feeling lonely, it's that I want more than they can give me right now. Fiance is fighting his own demons, Lion is busy (lol legit has 3 live in girlfriends. I know that I am not a priority there, why I keep trying is just pure masochism at this point, we're more friends than anything), & I wish I could help Wolfsky out but I don't know what I can do...nothing feels like enough.
I'm the one who normally shouts from the rooftops that communication is VITAL to any sort of relationship but especially Poly ones. But now...I'm shuttering myself, & I don't have a good reason why. I'll admit, stress is killing me. The wedding planning has been pretty much cake up to now, it's the financial aspect that has me tense. The bigger part is interpersonal issues with people, stressing about being forced to take a job I don't want, & wanting to be better but feeling like I'm never going to get there.
As stupid as it sounds, I miss having a girlfriend. Fiance has several times encouraged me to find one, because he saw that before I even wanted to acknowledge it. ...But my ex kinda has me afraid of women. Seriously, how dumb is that, right? I don't even have any real female crushes right now, but I miss girly cuddles, & all that good stuff. Yeah, he totally wants a threesome, he's not lying to me about that, but he wants me happy. (PS anybody who A: Wants to admit they have a crush on me, that'd be rad or B: would want to share that big ol Bear of a studmuffin with me, hit me up lol)
Past that...when my psychiatrist quit the clinic, that put me on a list to see a new one, but that won't be until November. I hate that I'm going to have to totally start over. But I guess that's good because I feel like I need it. I feel like I've been mentally backpedaling on my trauma since some of it reared its head again. Maybe I'll actually find a therapist that I can deal with this time. Idk.
If you read this far, thanks. I don't expect anybody to, & that's not because I'm being dramatic or some dumb high school crap, it's because it's rambly & not worth reading. I just had to get it off my chest.
Be good to each other lovelies. The world sucks out there.
I'm the one who normally shouts from the rooftops that communication is VITAL to any sort of relationship but especially Poly ones. But now...I'm shuttering myself, & I don't have a good reason why. I'll admit, stress is killing me. The wedding planning has been pretty much cake up to now, it's the financial aspect that has me tense. The bigger part is interpersonal issues with people, stressing about being forced to take a job I don't want, & wanting to be better but feeling like I'm never going to get there.
As stupid as it sounds, I miss having a girlfriend. Fiance has several times encouraged me to find one, because he saw that before I even wanted to acknowledge it. ...But my ex kinda has me afraid of women. Seriously, how dumb is that, right? I don't even have any real female crushes right now, but I miss girly cuddles, & all that good stuff. Yeah, he totally wants a threesome, he's not lying to me about that, but he wants me happy. (PS anybody who A: Wants to admit they have a crush on me, that'd be rad or B: would want to share that big ol Bear of a studmuffin with me, hit me up lol)
Past that...when my psychiatrist quit the clinic, that put me on a list to see a new one, but that won't be until November. I hate that I'm going to have to totally start over. But I guess that's good because I feel like I need it. I feel like I've been mentally backpedaling on my trauma since some of it reared its head again. Maybe I'll actually find a therapist that I can deal with this time. Idk.
If you read this far, thanks. I don't expect anybody to, & that's not because I'm being dramatic or some dumb high school crap, it's because it's rambly & not worth reading. I just had to get it off my chest.
Be good to each other lovelies. The world sucks out there.
