I love you guys and you're amazing for supporting me, and especially my art. Art is my life. I'm not trying to avoid you, you are all important to me. My garbage brain sometimes breaks and exerts a little control over my actions and I end up unable to reply to things but I get to you when I'm "allowed," so to speak. I'm trying to work on that and be able to...umm...force[?] myself to reply even when I don't feel up to it, but sometimes I just can't. I really do try. I really am working on my professionalism.

Right now, in this journal, I'm really trying to be honest about my mental situation. I'm not trying to use it as an excuse, and I can't stress that enough. That is NOT who I am. I do not want to use my illness as an excuse for any failing on my part. Many people struggle with the same things I do and they're still able to function like professional adults. I admire that and that's what I strive for. I fall short all too frequently and that bites at me daily. I feel guilty whenever I do anything that doesn't involve work. I feel bad whenever I don't reply to something to which I know I need to reply. It's honestly bad for everyone involved. It makes your life harder, it makes my life harder, and all of that sucks incredibly hard. It is never my intention to make you feel avoided, cheated, scammed, bad about yourself, or any other negative emotions. You are a wonderful person and I HATE this phrase, but it's not you, it's me. They are my problems and making them your problem is so unfair to you.
Just to mention so no one suggests it, I do speak to my doctor and I am diagnosed and pretty heavily medicated for bipolar disorder, chronic depression, and my anxiety. I do try to take care of myself, but sometimes the medication isn't enough. I don't want to medicate myself too much, and right now I have a super good balance, but there are still bad days. Sometimes there are bad weeks. There isn't much I can do about that other than work through them at a pace that is sometimes not fast enough for my liking.

Again, it's no excuse. It is literally all on me. I'm not looking for asspats here, I don't want platitudes and "it's okay, you're trying your best"s. I do appreciate any of that, I really do, it relieves me slightly and makes me feel better, despite my guilt. But please don't say that because you think it's what I need to hear. I need kicks in the ass more than I need pats on the ass.

I am really trying, I fall short much of the time. It's not your fault, it's not your problem. I'm not avoiding you specifically. I'm not avoiding you because I don't like you or because I don't care about what you say or what you feel. I super super value the fact that you're willing to support me, monetarily or otherwise. I don't take you for granted. I'm not avoiding you because I don't care about your commission, your opinions, your appreciation of what I do, or your needs. I care a LOT. I care so much. All I want is to be able to function like an adult and get on the level of professionalism that I hold myself to. I respect you. I appreciate you. You are amazing. I'm nothing without you. You help me pay my bills, you make me feel good about my craft. You literally give me a network of love and I know I keep saying this, but I can't say it enough...support. The support you all give me has kept me alive through the worst times of my life, and that's no exaggeration. I don't want to abandon you.

All of this is why I'm super happy to provide refunds or agree to any deadlines you want or need. I know it's hard to ask for these things. I know you may be frustrated with me. I know you may not want me to resent you or think less of you. Let me stress that I WILL NOT begrudge you for being impatient or frustrated with me. I will NEVER hold it against you if you wish for a refund so you can commission someone who is more reliable or quick, so you can pay your bills, so you can support yourself or your family, so you can treat yourself to something that may make your day, week, month, or year. I respect you. I respect that your situation may be similar to or worse than mine. I respect that you may be in a better position than me, but don't want to waste your time waiting. Time is a valuable asset. You are not a bank, you are not offering me a loan.
I can be slow. I can be flaky. That's on me, not on you. If you need a refund or WANT a refund, if you want a deadline, if you need to have your art by a certain date, that is totally fine with me. I am happiest when I'm making you happy. These are not empty words, this is the feeling I have daily when I'm worrying that I'm inconveniencing any of you.

Even when you're just commenting on or favoriting my art, but unable to commission me, or not desiring a commission from me. The fact that you appreciate what I do enough to even look at it in the first place is very important to me. It's so appreciated. You are all so wonderful.

I just hope that with my art, I make you feel as good as you make me feel by creating for you. Whether you commission, comment, favorite, or just look. It makes me feel amazing, daily. I want to bring joy to the world. I want to add feeling. I want to add something beautiful.

Above all, I want to be reliable. Right now, I do struggle with that. But I'm working toward it. I'm working hard. That does not excuse my failings. But I hope it helps you feel valued.