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friends + commissioners, please read (tw suicide)
8 years ago
I'm so sorry to type something so serious up but.. I'm really struggling guys. I really am. I wanted to talk briefly about something.. scary. Something I almost did yesterday.
I normally hermit up and don't go outside, but the weight of the world yesterday was just.. it was too much. I went on a walk in the brisk cold and just.. just kept walking. I didn't know where I was going. I walked past a Wendy's, so I was gonna spend the last $5 I had on a meal. But naw, of course school just got out and the entire lobby was full of freshman. I waited and waited but this one group kept swearing at the top of their lungs around children. I yelled at them and left. I kept walking.
To be honest, I think I was trying to find a way to kill myself. I was just... walking and sobbing. And I just kept going. I thought about laying in traffic. Jumping off of a building. Getting lost somewhere. I don't know. Something. My legs couldn't carry me anymore so I eventually came home and just.. just lost it. I laid on the bed and just cried. I saw some pumpkin and skeleton decorations that some children made on the way home. They were duct taped to their fence. It sounds dumb as fuck but I think that's what made me not wanna go through with it. It was just so cute and.. they were so excited. I couldn't see shit like that if I was dead. So here I am.
I know that this is going to sound stupid but I remembered a quote yesterday from the Game Grumps of all people; "anything good that has ever happened in your life has happened because you've been alive."
I'm really struggling to go on guys. But I'm gonna try. I can't leave my pets behind. I have so many great friends that care about me. The weight of depression gets.. it just gets so hard sometimes.
I'm getting help and therapy as soon as I can. I just want you guys to just.. understand that I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to make it to the next day.
I promise I haven't forgotten about commissions. I'm doing my best. I swear. Just know that it's.. it's hard. I will go on.
Your family loves you, your friends love you, your pets probably wonder when you'll be back every time you leave the room.
So here's a hug, from a random dude in New Jersey to you *hug* and if you ever find yourself that down again, feel free to ping me, I'll try and cheer you up if I can.
I would say a week before my mom passed away I started thinking of how death's embrace sounded like a nice thing. To just close your eyes and let yourself vanish into nothingness where your existence no longer needs to be stress and unhappiness. It's a feeling you have no control over, it's just there almost like something or someone else placed it there. Every time you wake up, everything you do, everyone you talk to... it's always there. It makes you feel like you are not yourself.
You definitely need to consult someone because once you are completely engulfed in this dark place you might just end your life.
Keep seeking out to people. What you just wrote is not stupid, it is a cry for help.
I cant really say anything i think would be inspiring or whatever. But you have to keep going. At the very least for the people around you and those you havnt met yet.
I used my art as a way to vent. Once i nearly put my fathers gun in my mouth. Until for a moment I stopped thinking about the act and how much i wanted out, and realized my lil sister was in the next room. To my horror i thought of what it would have been like for her. I never dared do anything like that again.
Please know people would miss and be horrified but such things. We are here for you and dont want you to go away, the worlds a mess and its been crazy forever.
"Believing in a universe that doesn't care, cant stop you in believing in people that do."
"At the end of everything, hold on to anything..."