So, I’ve been dealing with some back pain for a few months... it’s happened before and it went away in a few days so I didn’t think anything of it when it started hurting this time... but this time is different... the pain has lasted since the beginning of July about... and has progressively gotten worse. So much so that last Friday September, 29th I went into an urgent care clinic because I could barely turn my head without a shooting stabbing pain down my back and legs and basically my left side..

Now on Friday the doctor that evaluated me tested my reflexes and a few other things dealing with my back/left leg and pain since that is where it is worst.
First thing he found out and told me are my reflexes in my left leg are slow and sluggish... my right leg is fine. Then he told me what it possibly is, Radiculitis causing sciatic pain... now I had no idea what Radiculitis was or how it’s treated, he said I’d probably need and MRI, Physical therapy, and that was it... so here I’m thinking it’ll be something easily fixed and I don’t have to worry... fastforward through a painful weekend and mostly filled with sleep because of this muscle relaxer that doctor prescribed for me...Monday I worked and had no time to call... So Tuesday I try to call my normal doctor to make an appointment because the other doctor suggested I go to my normal one. So I call and apparently I am no longer in the system as a patient there because it’s been a while since I had to go in for anything... I don’t like going to the doctor unless it’s necessary... Anyways this lead me to having to wait until today to call and talk to a head nurse to figure out why I’m not a patient there anymore... find out that the other nurse just looked at the wrong person (Yay for a common name and last name)... now the nurse today was very nice and friendly that I talked to, she gave me some great advice on how to deal with the pain because she herself has Radiculitis and has had it for 19 years...

Now my brain at this point just kind of stops and my first thought is “You mean there isn’t something that can make this go away permanently...” that answer is Yea, there is nothing that permanently makes the pain stop.... now as I’m listening to this nurse talk, I’m mentally HAVING A FUCKIN BREAKDOWN! I’m 25 I can’t live with this kind of thing. I’m fairly healthy besides being over weight... and my weight has nothing to do with the cause of this thing... I just slept funny and BAM now I have it?? No it could be genetic too. Which figures since it seems I drew the short end of the stick when it comes to my genes... I can barely wrap my head around the fact I might have to live with this.

Now meanwhile as I’m having this mental break the nurse is still talking, telling me physical therapy is a great thing to do and which place to go.. okay so maybe there is something I can do? Nope, she’s gone there a few times in the 19 years because it comes back... and after that she suggests I might want to go and schedule and appointment with a therapist. You’re fucking right I do! I can’t accept that diagnosis, I can’t. I’m praying it’s a bulging disk, something, anything else that can be fixed. I have my dream job... and I need to be able to bend, walk and be mobile and flexible. I can’t have restricted motion! If a dog suddenly tries to bite or a cat suddenly decides my face and arms are scratching posts jarrring movements happen and they happen quick to respond to what is going on... right now I can’t do that. That’s why I went in so they can fix it! I refuse to give up my dream job because of pain. If I end up hurting myself worse because of this so be it! I can’t and won’t quit my job...

Anyways so yeah, I’m mentally dying inside and my mom is now frustrating me, and she doesn’t get it... she doesn’t understand the physical pain, and how mentally draining it is now... she doesn’t understand that walking and standing up are the most painful thing I’ve done in a while, all because of my stupid back... I was planning on starting this new diet thing my friend as been on because she’s lost 45lbs in a month and she just changed her diet and started doing this other thing... but it costs $150 and now that money I had is going to a medical bill more than likely... I honestly feel broken and don’t know what to do anymore.

Anyways I’m sorry for the rant I just figured it might help me out my thoughts in order a bit.. also if anyone has something similar and has tips to deal with it, I’d love I hear them.

So thank you anyone who took the time to read all that, and I hope you are well and have a great rest of your day and week.