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A motivational speech for suicude
8 years ago
General
So, its almost been a year since I started my apprenticeship and it finishes at the end of this month.
I've feel like I have done a lot in my position and even back it up with the most points in my team, but that isn't without issues; I'm behind in my college work, lost expensive computer parts in a replaced PC, missed some reporting deadlines, missed my first meeting with the CEO and on multiple occasions opened my mouth and said things I shouldn't have whether it was an accident or for stupid reasons why I still do not understand why I wasn't suppose to say.
So far in this last month of my apprenticeship I have stupidly ignored a reminder to do a report which at the time I couldn't remember what it was for. A manager thought I had "an attitude" when they came to me for help but that definitely was not the case; a colleague of mine interrupted me a split second before I could say that I would help. And a higher manager made a meeting request with me one day I was not in (and everyone would have known that I was not in) for the same day or first thing the following day which I had no notice and didn’t know until she mentioned it to me the day after when I asked her if the tempory end-of-day job I was doing for her (Which I technically should not bd doing) was permanent and then she threw a fit! When I apologise to her the day after that if it was because of my tone or apparent 'attitude' she back-handedly "accepted my apology" and didn’t give me any apology for her own attitude or tantrum! (Now I see why her entire team got up and left leaving me to do one if their jobs temporarily until she got more staff!)
Either way the last issue with work is that I've yet to have confirmation that I have a job after my apprenticeship. My manager has told me that he wants me to stay and the rest of my team want me to stay too (whether they are lieing or not I can't tell) but everyone wants me to continue doing the college work for another year on a higher level which I have said that I do not want to do becuause it is pointless and I don't and will not learn anything as the college work I am doing right now just requires to "prove what I already know" which is easy but with the amount of coursework you have to type out for it is pointless; yes it makes me a tiny bit more employable but I want to actually learn and develop! Not right out essay after essay about the properties of a triangle and circle, how to sit up right in an office chair or why you shouldn't use a foam fire extinguisher on electronic equipment! So either way I am nervous about if I have a job or not next month and if so; will more college work be written into my contract or even (according to rumors) I get moved to the other team managed by tamtrum lady no one likes that I mentioned earlier!
So yeah... you are probably wondering why I chose this particular title for my journal tonight. Well I was already annoyed when I got home because all of the above and I believe no one at my job actually likes or appreciates me. So that coupled with my younger brother shouting at me for a ridiculous reason making me loose my temper causing me to thump my desk and scream into my pillow for over an hour, I was really pissed off.
So over dinner it was clearly evident, my dad kept asking why so I eventually explained it all, to which he said his usual speech that he says every time (not his exact words but has the same basis):
"Anywhere you work people are going to treat you like that, and its only going to get worse as you get older. You think it's bad now? You won't be able to stand what you will experience a few years down the line. You will always have to put up with it."
Thanks dad... thanks, that really cheared me up and didn’t make me think: "wow... if its this bad right now and its going to get even worse and never stop, then why do I continue to live and put up with it? I should just kill myself now and save me the pain he says that I cannot avoid at work and will not be able to avoid getting even worse it future! Thanks dad, that really helped me with my life choices!"
He then went on to say that I should treat those managers at work how they treat me, because that's what he does at his own place of work; but that doesn't help when he is indisposable and I on the other hand have my fate in their hands between now and the end of the month!
I hate knowing or even thinking that someone dislikes me... I'm very paranoid about that so if anything worse happens between now and my job offer interview (If I even get an offer to stay on) then I may just turn it down out of my woes of being disliked by everyone...
Although my dad may be a great marketer for one-way Swiss vacations my mum on the otherhand tried to cheer me up before depressing me futher saying how she wants to get out of her life-time job because it's really taking the piss now and it's definitely without a doubt going to get worse in the next month. So she asked if any jobs were going in my company... yay... its not like the last time we worked together was akward and tiresome at all...
I've feel like I have done a lot in my position and even back it up with the most points in my team, but that isn't without issues; I'm behind in my college work, lost expensive computer parts in a replaced PC, missed some reporting deadlines, missed my first meeting with the CEO and on multiple occasions opened my mouth and said things I shouldn't have whether it was an accident or for stupid reasons why I still do not understand why I wasn't suppose to say.
So far in this last month of my apprenticeship I have stupidly ignored a reminder to do a report which at the time I couldn't remember what it was for. A manager thought I had "an attitude" when they came to me for help but that definitely was not the case; a colleague of mine interrupted me a split second before I could say that I would help. And a higher manager made a meeting request with me one day I was not in (and everyone would have known that I was not in) for the same day or first thing the following day which I had no notice and didn’t know until she mentioned it to me the day after when I asked her if the tempory end-of-day job I was doing for her (Which I technically should not bd doing) was permanent and then she threw a fit! When I apologise to her the day after that if it was because of my tone or apparent 'attitude' she back-handedly "accepted my apology" and didn’t give me any apology for her own attitude or tantrum! (Now I see why her entire team got up and left leaving me to do one if their jobs temporarily until she got more staff!)
Either way the last issue with work is that I've yet to have confirmation that I have a job after my apprenticeship. My manager has told me that he wants me to stay and the rest of my team want me to stay too (whether they are lieing or not I can't tell) but everyone wants me to continue doing the college work for another year on a higher level which I have said that I do not want to do becuause it is pointless and I don't and will not learn anything as the college work I am doing right now just requires to "prove what I already know" which is easy but with the amount of coursework you have to type out for it is pointless; yes it makes me a tiny bit more employable but I want to actually learn and develop! Not right out essay after essay about the properties of a triangle and circle, how to sit up right in an office chair or why you shouldn't use a foam fire extinguisher on electronic equipment! So either way I am nervous about if I have a job or not next month and if so; will more college work be written into my contract or even (according to rumors) I get moved to the other team managed by tamtrum lady no one likes that I mentioned earlier!
So yeah... you are probably wondering why I chose this particular title for my journal tonight. Well I was already annoyed when I got home because all of the above and I believe no one at my job actually likes or appreciates me. So that coupled with my younger brother shouting at me for a ridiculous reason making me loose my temper causing me to thump my desk and scream into my pillow for over an hour, I was really pissed off.
So over dinner it was clearly evident, my dad kept asking why so I eventually explained it all, to which he said his usual speech that he says every time (not his exact words but has the same basis):
"Anywhere you work people are going to treat you like that, and its only going to get worse as you get older. You think it's bad now? You won't be able to stand what you will experience a few years down the line. You will always have to put up with it."
Thanks dad... thanks, that really cheared me up and didn’t make me think: "wow... if its this bad right now and its going to get even worse and never stop, then why do I continue to live and put up with it? I should just kill myself now and save me the pain he says that I cannot avoid at work and will not be able to avoid getting even worse it future! Thanks dad, that really helped me with my life choices!"
He then went on to say that I should treat those managers at work how they treat me, because that's what he does at his own place of work; but that doesn't help when he is indisposable and I on the other hand have my fate in their hands between now and the end of the month!
I hate knowing or even thinking that someone dislikes me... I'm very paranoid about that so if anything worse happens between now and my job offer interview (If I even get an offer to stay on) then I may just turn it down out of my woes of being disliked by everyone...
Although my dad may be a great marketer for one-way Swiss vacations my mum on the otherhand tried to cheer me up before depressing me futher saying how she wants to get out of her life-time job because it's really taking the piss now and it's definitely without a doubt going to get worse in the next month. So she asked if any jobs were going in my company... yay... its not like the last time we worked together was akward and tiresome at all...
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