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A Change in My Life
8 years ago
Glimpse The Thoughts of Jack the Beaver
Well I got my test I've studied all year for and it was not great. Not terrible, well above average, but not great either. I needed to post an amazing score to get my letters. And I won't be. In fact as has been made clear I'll be able to get a PhD at a college where I'll pay for it myself and not get a job. Which really makes me wonder why bother.
I'm not done with my higher education but I'm at a cross-roads. Simply put, I can't live here anymore. I've reached the breaking point with my family. Every day they ask about the test scores, every day I tell them to quit asking me and they tell me "You never want to talk about them." No I don't, you'd think that would be obvious by now but apparently it's still very complicated.
So I have to leave. As soon as possible. Everything from here on out is on hold until I get out of here. But what do I do until then? My therapist suggested I find a job that I could live off of, or just give in and get certified as a teacher. From there wait until I've got some savings saved up and then plan my next move.
What will my next move be? Well their are three options in front of me. One, I go for my English PhD even if it doesn't guarantee work just because I want it. I do want it, but at some point practicality and idealism have to meet each other half way. Number two, I go back to school for one of my other interests. That would still cost me money, but I could get an education in a field where I'd get a job without a degree from a high end school, and I'd be doing it away from my family.
If it isn't obvious, getting away from my family is a necessity by now.
Third is I give in and just go to law school. I actually took the LSAT before the GRE and did utterly fantastic on it. But I'm not excited about that. I'd study something technical that earned money that way. Not great thing to do with my life, but at least I'd be able to live that way.
I'm mostly writing this to ask for advice and opinions. All I know for sure is I have to get out. I couldn't study in here, I can't sleep anymore, I can't get my parents to quit asking me questions even when I tell them not to. I want to be left alone, why is that so bloody hard? I don't know. I have to get out.
I'm not done with my higher education but I'm at a cross-roads. Simply put, I can't live here anymore. I've reached the breaking point with my family. Every day they ask about the test scores, every day I tell them to quit asking me and they tell me "You never want to talk about them." No I don't, you'd think that would be obvious by now but apparently it's still very complicated.
So I have to leave. As soon as possible. Everything from here on out is on hold until I get out of here. But what do I do until then? My therapist suggested I find a job that I could live off of, or just give in and get certified as a teacher. From there wait until I've got some savings saved up and then plan my next move.
What will my next move be? Well their are three options in front of me. One, I go for my English PhD even if it doesn't guarantee work just because I want it. I do want it, but at some point practicality and idealism have to meet each other half way. Number two, I go back to school for one of my other interests. That would still cost me money, but I could get an education in a field where I'd get a job without a degree from a high end school, and I'd be doing it away from my family.
If it isn't obvious, getting away from my family is a necessity by now.
Third is I give in and just go to law school. I actually took the LSAT before the GRE and did utterly fantastic on it. But I'm not excited about that. I'd study something technical that earned money that way. Not great thing to do with my life, but at least I'd be able to live that way.
I'm mostly writing this to ask for advice and opinions. All I know for sure is I have to get out. I couldn't study in here, I can't sleep anymore, I can't get my parents to quit asking me questions even when I tell them not to. I want to be left alone, why is that so bloody hard? I don't know. I have to get out.
My advice would be to put education on hold, or tune it down in order to find your course. It seems to me that you are ready to set sail and finally get out from under the pressures of home. I think it would truly help you to take a small "vacation" and just taste some freedom for a while. Don't give up on the doctorate or your dream, just set it aside for a moment to catch your breath.
If there is anything I've learned, it's that sometimes when you have a problem you can't solve it helps to set it down. Take a breath, do something else, and come back to it with a fresh mind.
Whatever you decide, I know this smart ass canine that is more than happy to help you out if you need him. I'll introduce you some time :P
I appreciate the offer and I probably will take you up on it. I stupidly told my parents and now they're trying to plan for me. This is exactly why I need to escape. I mean, yeash.
A fresh mind would be good.
When it comes to balancing interests with practical work to stay alive, I may not be the best person to ask. But I would insist that you keep the goal that you really want to obtain (English PhD) and make that a longterm goal. That is something you want, and you should try to achieve what will make you happy. You still have plenty of time to do so.
Will that help your situation and support you? I don't know. Perhaps it would behoove you to do what you need to do to set yourself up somewhat comfortably, with a job that pays decently and doesn't drive you insane. Then with a more sturdy foundation, you will be in a better position to pursue your true interests. Never lose sight of your goal, but don't become blinded by it to the point you put yourself in a worse situation in the present.
First thing's first though. You do have to get away from your family. Once you are able to live independently, take a breath and assess your situation then. And I wish you the best of luck.
I wonder if I do. Everyone in our world today is so fast, so focused and so "You must always have your goal and be working towards it". Slowing down seems like stopping.
I'm not sure what will help me. But I won't lose sight. I've held onto it for four years thus far, I can hold on a lot longer. Thank you for the response. Very eloquent.
But to move out you do need to find a job. The Law path could work. Trade schools are always options as well if you are willing. Having friends who can help you with a place to stay for a little while is helpful too, but you should always go in with the intention of getting out as soon as you can. Just a few things to ponder there.
Dominus tecum
And I am always going with the purpose of escape. I can't return.
Dominus tecum