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How do we Stop Comparing Ourselves to Each Other?
8 years ago
Glimpse The Thoughts of Jack the Beaver
Few things cause me as much trouble in my life as my inability to stop comparing myself to others. Doing this is a zero sum game, I either fail miserably in comparison, or I do measure up but I get no satisfaction either. Because I still am not where I want to be. This is a mindset that is deeply unhealthy.
I don't believe that no comparison is good either. Looking at others as a way to drive yourself is fine. But when it's like me, sickening stomach churning misery because I don't have what I want, well that's just self-destructive. It eats at you, it's always on your mind. You know you could be living the life you want, but you're not smart enough or good enough.
No matter how much I try to work through this issue I can't seem to succeed in silencing it. And after the dreadful year I've had this voice has gone into over drive. Every time I close my eyes I see myself and how unimpressive I find myself to be. My parents incidentally do not help with this issue. Nor do people who think they're being helpful by pitying me. I don't want or need pity.
I see this affecting my life, I've of late had extreme trouble controlling my anger and frustration. I can't get along with people of late if I have to interact with them in real life. Work especially has gone from bad to me sobbing whenever I have another shift, because it's a dead end job and I'm spinning my wheels here.
Well getting back to what I asked with the title for this journal, one thing I need to do is stop constantly comparing myself to others. My favorite quote from St. Francis de Sales speaks to this, that the divine Goodness brought us to where we are, but it will take us where we're going on different routs. He specifically says don't worry about how your life is going, be patient. The task requires it.
If you're curious, what made me realize this man had to be one of my patron saints was that idea. Not that he was the saint of writers, but that what he wrote comforted me.
So how do I calm this down? One thing I've started doing is figuring out just what it is I want. Because when I have to do that I very frequently find I want different things from other writers. And one thing that always has driven me nuts is that when writing, no matter where I write be it MK, general furry, TF writing or just general fiction, I always compare myself to writers who put out more than I do.
I've had to think on this for a long time and eventually my thoughts turned to two writers I am quite fond of, Honoré de Balzac and Gustav Flaubert. Balzac was a fantastic writer who in his very short, very Catholic life (His words not mine), wrote over fifty novels and hundreds of short stories. Flaubert in contrast only wrote four novels.
And while I love both Flaubert speaks to me in a way. I can write very fast, my current story I'm working on is about half done but almost completely unposted. Because while I write fast, I edit a lot. Flaubert had a process called "Just the right word", where he looked at literally every sentence and word to see how they flowed and fit the story. And I often do that as well when I edit.
I'd rather be like Flaubert. If I publish something, I want to know it's of the highest possible quality. I want everything I post to be as good as I can achieve with what I have. I want people to know I will give them a good story. Better that my reputation be for quality than quantity. Even if it means I have fewer readers at first.
Their are other things I've begun to realize. I don't ever want to win an Ursa Major award. I don't ever want to be nominated. I have issues with awards for writing, since I don't believe writing can be quantified by how many awards they have thrown on them. How many people have read as an example Gilead? This book was pretty good and won a Pulitzer and was expected to be an instant classic. And it disappeared beneath the waves of memory almost as soon as it appeared.
Beyond that though I specifically dislike the Ursa Major. I am actually working on an essay about that particular dreadful award, but basically it gets awarded to some absolutely dreadful works. Any time Savestate announces it was nominated, my reaction is "So what?" So was The Golden Week and Huvek. You're sharing space with pieces of shit like that.
I believe being associated with that is, at least to me, a mark of dishonor. You're another book associated with the Homosexual Coming of Age Assembly Line. So that's something I specifically want and thus far have achieved, every day I achieve that.
What helps me not compare myself to others is determining just what it is I want even when it's difficult. I still don't know what I want my career to be, aside from that I don't want to go to a trade school. My mother once told me that I was only good enough for a trade school, not talented enough for anything else. So at least I know that much.
I also know when I finish my current story I'll be taking a break from MK for a while. I want to finally work on some of my own projects I've had on the back burner for basically forever. I admit I'm excited to see how these ideas work out for me.
I don't really have any way to end this constant comparison. If anyone out there does know then please share. I look forward to your comments.
I don't believe that no comparison is good either. Looking at others as a way to drive yourself is fine. But when it's like me, sickening stomach churning misery because I don't have what I want, well that's just self-destructive. It eats at you, it's always on your mind. You know you could be living the life you want, but you're not smart enough or good enough.
No matter how much I try to work through this issue I can't seem to succeed in silencing it. And after the dreadful year I've had this voice has gone into over drive. Every time I close my eyes I see myself and how unimpressive I find myself to be. My parents incidentally do not help with this issue. Nor do people who think they're being helpful by pitying me. I don't want or need pity.
I see this affecting my life, I've of late had extreme trouble controlling my anger and frustration. I can't get along with people of late if I have to interact with them in real life. Work especially has gone from bad to me sobbing whenever I have another shift, because it's a dead end job and I'm spinning my wheels here.
Well getting back to what I asked with the title for this journal, one thing I need to do is stop constantly comparing myself to others. My favorite quote from St. Francis de Sales speaks to this, that the divine Goodness brought us to where we are, but it will take us where we're going on different routs. He specifically says don't worry about how your life is going, be patient. The task requires it.
If you're curious, what made me realize this man had to be one of my patron saints was that idea. Not that he was the saint of writers, but that what he wrote comforted me.
So how do I calm this down? One thing I've started doing is figuring out just what it is I want. Because when I have to do that I very frequently find I want different things from other writers. And one thing that always has driven me nuts is that when writing, no matter where I write be it MK, general furry, TF writing or just general fiction, I always compare myself to writers who put out more than I do.
I've had to think on this for a long time and eventually my thoughts turned to two writers I am quite fond of, Honoré de Balzac and Gustav Flaubert. Balzac was a fantastic writer who in his very short, very Catholic life (His words not mine), wrote over fifty novels and hundreds of short stories. Flaubert in contrast only wrote four novels.
And while I love both Flaubert speaks to me in a way. I can write very fast, my current story I'm working on is about half done but almost completely unposted. Because while I write fast, I edit a lot. Flaubert had a process called "Just the right word", where he looked at literally every sentence and word to see how they flowed and fit the story. And I often do that as well when I edit.
I'd rather be like Flaubert. If I publish something, I want to know it's of the highest possible quality. I want everything I post to be as good as I can achieve with what I have. I want people to know I will give them a good story. Better that my reputation be for quality than quantity. Even if it means I have fewer readers at first.
Their are other things I've begun to realize. I don't ever want to win an Ursa Major award. I don't ever want to be nominated. I have issues with awards for writing, since I don't believe writing can be quantified by how many awards they have thrown on them. How many people have read as an example Gilead? This book was pretty good and won a Pulitzer and was expected to be an instant classic. And it disappeared beneath the waves of memory almost as soon as it appeared.
Beyond that though I specifically dislike the Ursa Major. I am actually working on an essay about that particular dreadful award, but basically it gets awarded to some absolutely dreadful works. Any time Savestate announces it was nominated, my reaction is "So what?" So was The Golden Week and Huvek. You're sharing space with pieces of shit like that.
I believe being associated with that is, at least to me, a mark of dishonor. You're another book associated with the Homosexual Coming of Age Assembly Line. So that's something I specifically want and thus far have achieved, every day I achieve that.
What helps me not compare myself to others is determining just what it is I want even when it's difficult. I still don't know what I want my career to be, aside from that I don't want to go to a trade school. My mother once told me that I was only good enough for a trade school, not talented enough for anything else. So at least I know that much.
I also know when I finish my current story I'll be taking a break from MK for a while. I want to finally work on some of my own projects I've had on the back burner for basically forever. I admit I'm excited to see how these ideas work out for me.
I don't really have any way to end this constant comparison. If anyone out there does know then please share. I look forward to your comments.
The only thing I can say is to strive to be the best You that you can be. You have a ton of wonderful qualities and talents. Of this I'm sure you know.
And no, there is no reason I can see for anyone to pity you. At most, I feel bad for the situation you're in and would love nothing more than to see you be free.
Because it is then, that I'm sure you will all but burst forth with everything that you are.
You've come a long way since I first met you. And I'm so very happy to call you my friend. But unfortunately, I have no advice on how to stop yourself from comparing yourself to others.
As I have yet to learn this trait myself.
I'm glad you recognize this problem now and want to do something about it. I'm now in my forties and it still exists there. I sometimes feel a little jealousy of my brothers for having two kids where I only have one, and I certainly feel more about one of my coworkers who now has three! Envy is one of the stupidest sins because there isn't even any pleasure involved! Gah!
Some things I've tried to remind myself when I feel the bug coming on again: God didn't create us to be all alike and so He is going to give us different things, the question is more what we do with those things. Can we turn our two talents into five? Remember what happens at the end of St. John's Gospel. St. Peter sees St. John following them and asks, "What of him?" and Jesus replies, "What does it matter to thee if I wish him to stay until I return again. You follow me!" (I paraphrase a bit). The point being only that this is a problem that you have in common with everybody else so be gentle with yourself in turning off the envy when you feel it hit.
Dominus tecum
P.S. I do still delight in the Ursa Major I won, but that happened back when the award was first getting started and before it turned into what it is now (I wouldn't want another one now). So many awards start out actually awarding good literature before a cabal takes them over for their own self-gratification. Just look at what's become of the Hugos.