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Regarding MFF
8 years ago
This con has been a source of some conflict for me for a while now. I have flip-flopped on going over several months now, and most of the blame lies with that old bully Anxiety, a constant companion I really need to kick in the teeth. It's even with me now as I compose this journal. And because of it, I have not budgeted as I should and need to now that I've been living outside my parents' house for almost a year now. I didn't even look at my budget for fear of what it would say. I've made a habit of living a certain way, and it would seem it's more compatible living where I was than where I am now.
Last Friday, I finally looked at my budget and found to my surprise and joy that I had forgotten that I had funds saved up for the con. Quite a large bit too. And I hadn't touched it since a local con last May or June which I was too tired to really enjoy anyway. So, I thought, "Yay! I can afford to go!"
Then I started crunching the numbers, categorizing expenses, and found some less pleasant surprises. The fact of the matter is that I have red glaring at me from my budget. I've spent too much on frivolous things, mostly related to food - an old go-to of mine for dealing with stress - and these debts to myself will mean a lean December. Unless I move money out of other categories and into the ones in the red. I don't think I can even afford groceries next month, or even gas for my car this month! Yet I've already made plans and even promises to people who are going, and I hate to break my word. I like being a man of honor; I don't wish to walk the wrong path.
Now, that being said, that doesn't mean I can't go. Even if I moved all the money out of the Convention category in my budget - which I may have to - I'm willing to bet there are people who would gladly show me charity and pay for most if not all of my expenses. I'd feel a bit like a mooch, but I'd at least be at the con. But the real question of the matter is the one my therapist asked me today.
Am I going to the con to recharge so that I can tackle the anxiety waiting for me when I get back? It is this just an avoidance tactic to escape from reality, to just take a few days to not deal with shit that I need to?
After some prayer with God, I think it's more the latter. Don't get me wrong, I love going to furry conventions. It kinda feels like coming home. And yet, I have to stay afloat. I won't go back to my parents' house, not unless something happens that's beyond my control. And being around crowds is exhausting to me as I'm an introvert. Even if I make time to be alone and recharge, I'm not certain I can get what I need out of the con. Especially with all the political shit that's going on. I know one controversial figure is going there already, and her opposite may be going as well. Though I doubt anything serious will happen - most furries are about as violent as a stoned goldfish - there will probably be some political stuff floating around the con. That kind of tension is the last thing I need. Geekdom is supposed to be about having fun and enjoying a shared interest. Politics tends to destroy fun. I'd rather it be kept out of public and instead be relegated to either con panels or private conversations, and kept civil to boot. But I won't hold my breath for that.
In any case, I think I need this time off. Maybe not for fun, or not just for fun, but for restoration. I won't stay in my apartment, even though I don't think I should go to MFF. I need a place where I can get restoration and the fortitude needed to get through next month. And next year. And I'm not sure I could get that at the con. Yes, I would make memories that would bring me great joy. But there's also a chance I would make memories I would regret. I have not shown enough restraint with my sex drive around at least one local furry, and I regret losing my virginity. I can't afford to keep sleeping with people that I don't really love deep down, that I can't pursue a relationship with. I don't need friends with benefits. I need a wife. And I doubt I'll find one at the con.
I can still go. I have just about everything lined up. I just need to cement the details with my ride and be awake come Thursday morning. But I need to be sure this is the right move. And if it is, how do I handle it?
My Brothers and Sisters in Christ, I beseech you: pray that God will answer me and give me wisdom here. If I don't go to the con, I need some way to recharge my spirit to face the challenges ahead. Or at least a good way to get some extra income to help me stay afloat. I do have a novel to polish up, so maybe time spent on that would help. If nothing else, I'm going to take myself to church and find a quiet place to pray so that I might hear God and know his will.
Whatever happens, whatever I decide, I place my soul in God's hands, and I choose to keep hope alive. So long as I make it into heaven to be by Jesus' side, I can miss a con or two.
To my friends that I made promises to, forgive me. I should not have made them until I knew my finances were secure or not. I still hope to attend, but if not, there is always next year. If I'm not there, then I implore you to enjoy yourselves for me, and to be generous toward others who may need your help more than me.
Adios y vaya con Dios.
Last Friday, I finally looked at my budget and found to my surprise and joy that I had forgotten that I had funds saved up for the con. Quite a large bit too. And I hadn't touched it since a local con last May or June which I was too tired to really enjoy anyway. So, I thought, "Yay! I can afford to go!"
Then I started crunching the numbers, categorizing expenses, and found some less pleasant surprises. The fact of the matter is that I have red glaring at me from my budget. I've spent too much on frivolous things, mostly related to food - an old go-to of mine for dealing with stress - and these debts to myself will mean a lean December. Unless I move money out of other categories and into the ones in the red. I don't think I can even afford groceries next month, or even gas for my car this month! Yet I've already made plans and even promises to people who are going, and I hate to break my word. I like being a man of honor; I don't wish to walk the wrong path.
Now, that being said, that doesn't mean I can't go. Even if I moved all the money out of the Convention category in my budget - which I may have to - I'm willing to bet there are people who would gladly show me charity and pay for most if not all of my expenses. I'd feel a bit like a mooch, but I'd at least be at the con. But the real question of the matter is the one my therapist asked me today.
Am I going to the con to recharge so that I can tackle the anxiety waiting for me when I get back? It is this just an avoidance tactic to escape from reality, to just take a few days to not deal with shit that I need to?
After some prayer with God, I think it's more the latter. Don't get me wrong, I love going to furry conventions. It kinda feels like coming home. And yet, I have to stay afloat. I won't go back to my parents' house, not unless something happens that's beyond my control. And being around crowds is exhausting to me as I'm an introvert. Even if I make time to be alone and recharge, I'm not certain I can get what I need out of the con. Especially with all the political shit that's going on. I know one controversial figure is going there already, and her opposite may be going as well. Though I doubt anything serious will happen - most furries are about as violent as a stoned goldfish - there will probably be some political stuff floating around the con. That kind of tension is the last thing I need. Geekdom is supposed to be about having fun and enjoying a shared interest. Politics tends to destroy fun. I'd rather it be kept out of public and instead be relegated to either con panels or private conversations, and kept civil to boot. But I won't hold my breath for that.
In any case, I think I need this time off. Maybe not for fun, or not just for fun, but for restoration. I won't stay in my apartment, even though I don't think I should go to MFF. I need a place where I can get restoration and the fortitude needed to get through next month. And next year. And I'm not sure I could get that at the con. Yes, I would make memories that would bring me great joy. But there's also a chance I would make memories I would regret. I have not shown enough restraint with my sex drive around at least one local furry, and I regret losing my virginity. I can't afford to keep sleeping with people that I don't really love deep down, that I can't pursue a relationship with. I don't need friends with benefits. I need a wife. And I doubt I'll find one at the con.
I can still go. I have just about everything lined up. I just need to cement the details with my ride and be awake come Thursday morning. But I need to be sure this is the right move. And if it is, how do I handle it?
My Brothers and Sisters in Christ, I beseech you: pray that God will answer me and give me wisdom here. If I don't go to the con, I need some way to recharge my spirit to face the challenges ahead. Or at least a good way to get some extra income to help me stay afloat. I do have a novel to polish up, so maybe time spent on that would help. If nothing else, I'm going to take myself to church and find a quiet place to pray so that I might hear God and know his will.
Whatever happens, whatever I decide, I place my soul in God's hands, and I choose to keep hope alive. So long as I make it into heaven to be by Jesus' side, I can miss a con or two.
To my friends that I made promises to, forgive me. I should not have made them until I knew my finances were secure or not. I still hope to attend, but if not, there is always next year. If I'm not there, then I implore you to enjoy yourselves for me, and to be generous toward others who may need your help more than me.
Adios y vaya con Dios.
