I have the same issue in taking critiques, it's why I didn't take any specifically on my art for years. However, I've also had people hide behind the "critique" term just so they could be asshats. At this point, I don't mind getting critique, as long as, it legitimately is critique. Anyway, I do kind of see where your therapist is coming from in her thoughts. The pessimism is like anything else, it's not something that just disappears, we all have it, but we all manage it differently. I know the feeling of hope being difficult to hold onto as well. I've had my dark times and I think getting through those dark times is what has pushed and urged me to keep going. I don't know how to explain it really. It's just something within the depths of my being that urges me to not give up. I want and have the same dreams as you do, wanting a family, a job I can thrive off of and be happy with, and be with someone I hold so much love for. Yet, here am I, stuck in this rut, but I'm not giving up. I'm slacking to some extent, but I fight through that everyday, have done it all my life. I'd like to be better than I am now in many aspects, it'll just take a lot of energy and fight to accomplish. I can't just keep sitting in place, I have to keep going to gain what I need and where I need to be. I don't know what I can really say for you, but to do as you said, keep trying. Hopefully, something will shine upon sooner than later, that's the most I can say. You're not as lazy as your therapist thinks, that's one thing I will say I disagree with. You've worked hard, I've seen you do that personally and it's why I know you can do it even more so now. I still believe in you and will continue to give you support as needed, in any sense of the word.

Accepting criticism is never easy. But i have found that the worst critics is usually ourselves. We take too darkly what we are and what we do. I try and think of what I am proud of. I am proud of what I've written. All critiques I get i take with a distant eye - I dop not take them personal and try to understand the person is trying to be helpful. BUT I always understand that it for me to accept or reject what they say. Everyone writes differently - You do not write like me and i dont write like Stealth who doesn't write like Matt or Hallan. But all are good people and good writers. You especially.

Thank you. Right now though I've got more than writing on my mind.

I remember that during my PhD Research, I took an entire month off. For one whole month I didn't look at my research at all. I played games, took walks, read books, wrote stories, etc... but I did not do any Math. After a month I came back to my research refreshed and what seemed impossible before was now possible and a lot clearer. Sometimes you need time away from the stress so that you can better focus. So on that score, maybe not looking for a job right now is the right decision. For now.

You are taking on your problems, but as you know, it's going to take a while. You are doing the right thing being in ACA. It is helping you already. It takes courage to face your problems. Too many just surrender without a fight. You have not, Jack. That is a positive for you to hold on to.

Dominus tecum

I wasn't going to not apply forever. I just don't know where I should be looking right now, just that I need to get out.

I don't surrender. But it's still hard. And I've grown very sensitive to criticism. I have to fix that.

Hi hun,
I wanted to reply to this sooner, but my new job has had me Exhausted [but honestly, I love it!] I wanted to give you a well thought out and honest answer to this journal. So, it may be a bit long. I hope you don't mind. As I'm going to attempt to tackle each part. All righty! Here we go!



From this line of thinking we got to discussing my issues dealing with my own faults. My therapist says in her opinion I am lazy because I've not worked harder at finding a new job. Fair enough, she probably isn't wrong there. In fact I need to change that, not just say I'm going to. But the how of that is much harder. In fact if anyone knows how to overcome this just great ennui I feel, it would be much appreciated.

Ok, right here I have a little problem with your therapist. You are NOT lazy. At least, not when it comes to tackling certain things.
For an example. Remember our first fur meet? Afterwards, you opened up to me about how you were feeling, and how it was Very hard to be there. But you wanted to be.
Without getting into things, you confronted a Lot of things that would otherwise had held you back from even coming!
I Know how hard that was for you to do. And at the time, after finding out how you were feeling, I was impressed by you, Impressed because there has been Plenty of times in my life where I would take the easy way and not confront those feelings that I would have when faced with a similar situation.

So, lazy is not something that I see in you. Ok, so you're not looking for another job. And you have your reasons, and as far as I am concerned, they are legit. BUT you still HAVE a job. You still go to work every day. You still face that hum drum. A job that I know is certainly Not stimulating your intellect. However you still push through,

You have an end goal in mind. And you're striving for it. That, is not being lazy. That is following a path that you set for yourself.

I don't know if I agree with my therapist that I can't acknowledge my faults, but I'm willing to work on that. But I ran into a different issue. I don't see any positive traits. I mean, I look at myself and I see someone who will lie rather then confront a problem until it blows up. Who is lazy and wants out but can't see to motivate himself to do it. Someone who creates self-fulfilling prophecies.

Now, speaking as someone who has spent her whole life believing the lies that her parents, teachers and peers have fed to her...I know All too well of not seeing the positive within me.
But as I've learned, they are there!
And yes, this goes for you as well. The problem is...you're somewhere Very toxic to your mental well being. Therefore, you never get to see what is postive about you, because those around you only want to point out what is negetive. And how in the hell is Anyone suppose to see past That thick wall of bullshit?

Well, allow me then to help you clear some of that sludge away. As I have mentioned above, and Many times before, and I will continue to do so for the rest of our days. You've come SO far, you've pushed yourself hard to reach milestones, and accomplishments that many wouldn't even bother with.

You push yourself past your comfort zones. That is a very hard thing to do.
You are Very intelligent. And you're proud of that fact as you should be. I was brought up to believe that I had the intelligence of a mid functioning mentally challenged person. [by the proffessionals] by my teachers, parents and peers, I was brought up to believe that I was stupid, and will be useless and a drain on anyone who deals with me.

I believed that until my early 30s. Even after tests that shows that I have an above average IQ, I couldn't bring myself to believe that. Not until I got out of my toxic environment. It's still something I struggle with.

But you, I envy. You're very intelligent, and you show it proudly. You're not afraid of it. And I respect that. Sometimes, I feel...a little inadequate with you when it comes to that; but the reality is, I know I have my intelligence, just in a different way. Just as you have yours.

Your humor. OMG...I love it. It's dryer than the driest of wine, but dear lord it's funny as hell. And I ADORE that. You're snarky and sarcastic and funny. I know that sort of humor isn't for everyone....but then again, we're not put on this earth to please everyone!

You're Honest. Brutally so sometimes...but in this day and age, with EVERYONE seemingly to be on the PC train, it's refreshing if not sometimes a little shocking to hear that brute honesty. We Cannot hide behind pc forever. Sometimes the truth Must come out.

You're an incredibly sweet kind person. I fear sometimes perhaps to you own detriment. By that I mean, [and we've discussed this in notes] You will give your shirt off your back to help another at your own cost.
While that is so kind, I don't want to see you put yourself out. [of course, I tend to do the same thing...so I do understand]

I could write a list a mile long about all the positive things I see within you. But to be fair, a lot of this, you're going to have to discover for yourself. But you have to ALLOW yourself to do so. And that...is very hard to do.

So, here is a little mental exercise I encourage you to try. For every negative thing that you see within yourself, counter it with something Positive. It doesn't matter how small. But you Have to counter it with positive.

Lets face it, if all you hear is negative, then that's all you'll see. So you're going to have to start opening your eyes and seeing for yourself the positive that you have. Don't give in to all the negative. It will get you no where.
Please give this a shot.

What I want to know though is if I'll be okay outside of here, or if I'm too damaged to survive on my own. And no one can tell me that. Sadly in my real life no one has offered me a moment of reassurance. Apparently that would be lying to me. Sometimes what we need is to know those in our lives believe we can. But here I don't get that.

Yes. Yes you will be. You're not "too damaged" I'm not talking out of my ass on this one. I KNOW you will survive out here.
No it won't be easy, and yes there will be times you'll want to go back to the familiarity of what you knew before, even if it sucked....
But you Can and Will survive, and you're not so damaged not too.
Because whether you realize it or not, You're Not alone, and you have a support group around you.
And I know, in your heart the desire is there. If for no other reason, than to prove to yourself that you Can.

I want a job where I am happy, a comfortable standard of living and a family of my own. And I know as long as I am as messed up as I am, those things are beyond me. Today it dawned on me really just how much time it will take to fix all of my problems. In addition I learned through ACA I have my own addictions. I have to get those under control.

Finding a job that will have you be happy, is something most Everyone looks for...some find it, and some do not. This is true. So advise on this one, I have none. Except to keep trying.
However, I do not believe that you're too messed up to have these things that you desire. Such as a family of your own, and a comfortable standard of living.
I do not believe that these are things out of your reach. Why? Because you're doing things to help yourself. You're tackling these issues, you're trying to improve upon yourself and begin to heal.

It's a long road, and perhaps at times a lonely road. But it won't be like that forever. Again, you do have a support group, and as time goes on, you'll start finding the things you would like to have.

I'm tired of being alone. I envy for being married to the man of her dreams. I hope one day I will no longer be alone. My therapist instead of reassuring me told me "Well we can't know for sure." Perhaps we can't but sometimes I just want to have a little hope.

Being alone is a hard thing to contend with. For my part....I become...a little more than just neurotic if left alone for too long.....But I also know i'm never truly alone, in a good way.

And, neither are you.

Marrying the man of my dreams, for me to get Here, I had to travel a VERY dark, lonely, painful road. 35 years of abuse. Of nearly dying, of never knowing who I am. Of never having a voice, who believed that I wasn't worthy of love, who has been in relationships that were.....lets just say....I was believing the lies.

By the time JT come into my life. I was broken, alone, and as I had thought, damaged and ruined.

Jt had his work cut out for him that's for damn sure. But yes, it finally happend, and I cling onto this happiness. I'm so scared of losing it. The last ten years, have been the happiest I've ever been. The last ten years I feel like I've Finally been able to Live.

Now, I'm not saying all of this to rub it in. What I am saying is this. I really do believe that there is love for everyone who wants it. Good True love. I believe it is hard work, and a lot goes into it, some of which can be freaking scary af. But it's there.

While your therapist may be right about not knowing for sure....I feel that's not quite right. I feel that it Can happen, if you're willing to put the work into it.

I don't know if I have advice on how to have it happen...I...just think it will happen when it does.
After all, I wasn't looking for anyone when I met Jt. Things just...happened.

Hope is not dead hun. In fact, it's a very strong [albeit underrated] tool. Hope has kept me alive. Hope has helped me out of some of my deepest depressions. Hope is a driving force.

Hope will help you through some of the toughest times. But hope cannot do it alone. You have to help it along. And you have been.

I don't know if any of this will help...but I hope [hehe there's that word again!] that it does.
*hugs*