I've had a pretty shitty weekend. Had one of my worst nightmares come true, followed straight up by another...

Love, trust, and faith have been burned out of me and I've found myself sitting on angry vile vindictive thoughts... and I don't want to be that guy. Hell, through it I thought I'd try to be something different... make things stronger, but if it's a one sided effort, then why.

I've heard "I'm so sorry" far later than I should have. I've cried... I've yelled... I've punched the air in frustration. I did my best to put the pain aside to make some semblance of this mess work. I may not be a great guy, but he had every part of me. He just needed to be brave enough to take it. He betrayed me and I was willing to do everything in my power look past it. I loved him more than I have loved anything.

I've been in bad relationships... Horrible relationships... he knows this. He knows how hard I fight for them... and he wasn't willing to take my hand and stand with me, deciding instead to hide behind fear. I protected him. I loved him. I waited patiently, because I knew... I knew this man. I knew I would be by his side forever if he'll have me.

...but he didn't. He "couldn't"... He wouldn't...

This hurts me to say... after 6 years of holding my pure heart,  Tomleo crushed it. We are not a couple...

I don't know how to make this better, but I feel like he's treating me like a character in one of his gay romance novels. Something to hurt and come back to.

And the fucked up thing is I still love him. I'm still angry, and I still love him. He did this to us, and I still love him... Because for him... this has been over for a while, but for me everything hit me like a speeding freight train.

In an attempt to heal some I have moved art of us into scraps, some of the best art in my gallery. Wonderful art we've collected from friends, events, memories. Most of them have a story behind them, a wonderful memory.

I'm lucky to have the supportive friends and family that I do, and I worry about him, bottling this up. But somehow I feel he will find an outlet... as painful as that thought is...