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Wtf happened to Ajna?
8 years ago
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Self discovery and the crushing reality of unmanaged mental illness.
With the gentle urging of my favorite of my sons therapists, I sought out mental health treatment many months ago, after a long stint of being useless and not knowing why, which was preceded by an entire lifetime of being somewhat useless but managing to scrape by out of sheer willpower or necessity. 2017 just didn't work out that way for me though, so I finally got the courage to ask a mental health professional why.
Therapy hasn't been very helpful for me overall, but I finally have answers, which itself has been a tremendous help. I learned that my son is autistic a little while back. He was REALLY behind at 1 year old, so we started services, but that was too young to know for sure. Fast forward in time, and it got more and more obvious that he's on the spectrum. The apple didn't fall far from the autism tree, because earlier this year I found out that good ol' Momma Tee is autistic AF and this new found information, along with 3 additional diagnoses I received, makes my entire life make sense.
So there's that. I had a hard time coping with life in general, then I had to go and have a baby, and then my dad passed away in a very sad and painful manner, and then my son turned out to be extra freaking difficult to take care of and I just crashed. 2016 was hard and I couldn't do it anymore when 2017 came around.
So, I didn't. I didn't do anything, except the bare minimum for my son. For months. His main therapist, who I love and trust so much, grew concerned and gently suggested I look into my own health for once, and so I did. And now I know so much more about myself. Ever since, I've been on a journey to learn as much as I can about myself and how to make things work for me. This has come at the expense of my friendships and my connection to you guys, here. I can't apologize enough to those I owe art and money to, and those who've tried to keep in contact with me but have failed. I really suck in general, but especially this year. I'm sorry.
So, what now? Well, as I posted recently, my cat of 16 years just recently passed, in a very painful and sad manner as well, and I'm still recovering. I'm better now than when it first happened, but it's on my mind every day. With that, Christmas marks 2 years since my dad has passed. December is full of emotions for me, but I'm trying my hardest to get my life in order. Come January, I am sucking it up and getting it done. No more excuses.
Once I have cleared myself from everything I owe, I will NOT be returning to commissions in the foreseeable future. I simply cannot commit to any sort of time constraints right now, and I can't allow myself to keep stringing people along. It's unprofessional and not someone I want to be. I'm not saying I quit art forever (especially not personal art), but I am not promising that commissions will be available any time soon. I need to focus on myself, my family, and my goals in life for awhile longer.
So, I suppose the gist so far is that I have been broken for a very, very long time, and never knew why. I finally shut down completely and that lead to me finally knowing why I suck so much. Now I see the world so much more clearly, but it will take time to repair myself. Commissions do not fit into my vision of self healing. Art is my hobby and must remain as such for the time being.
I feel like this is unnecessarily long, so I'm going to wrap it up. Here are a few other things that have happened lately, for anyone interested:
1. I drew something (gasp) recently and it was actually pretty dang cute. I'll upload it. I have not drawn much at all in like... 8 months. So, I was surprised to see I can still do it.
2. I decorated the house for Christmas this year. I've never decorated for holidays in the past, save for maybe a tree or stockings or something very small. This year, I Christmas'd the heck out of the kitchen, dining and living rooms. It's a nice mood boost.
3. For a brief moment in time, I was financially well off, so I decided to treat myself. I bought an F2 Savannah kitten and he's the most darling little thing ever. I got him shortly before Dorito passed away, which did not dull the pain of losing her at all, but in the time since she's been gone, it's been nice to have a cat's love still. He's the perfect little kitty.
4. Another treat I bought for myself is a brand new tablet. It's really nice, but I was hoping it'd incentivize me to draw more often. It has not. BUT, I'm going to force myself to draw more often come January, and it'll certainly make that easier than the janky set up I had before.
5. I'm not as financially as well off as I originally thought, so no more fancy gifts for myself. Instead, I'm actually looking to cut down on my massive Pokemon collection, which is very time consuming. I kind of needed to prune it out anyway, so this is a good time to do so.
That's it. I'm done info dumping my personal life to mostly strangers. Enjoy. I'm going to go work on sorting things I owe to people now. Good night and happy holidays~
Oh, I forgot. A fellow artist has a cat that needs medical attention and could really use the help. Please consider contributing a few bucks toward her surgery! If not, a signal boost can help, too. Thanks!
https://www.gofundme.com/help-asher
With the gentle urging of my favorite of my sons therapists, I sought out mental health treatment many months ago, after a long stint of being useless and not knowing why, which was preceded by an entire lifetime of being somewhat useless but managing to scrape by out of sheer willpower or necessity. 2017 just didn't work out that way for me though, so I finally got the courage to ask a mental health professional why.
Therapy hasn't been very helpful for me overall, but I finally have answers, which itself has been a tremendous help. I learned that my son is autistic a little while back. He was REALLY behind at 1 year old, so we started services, but that was too young to know for sure. Fast forward in time, and it got more and more obvious that he's on the spectrum. The apple didn't fall far from the autism tree, because earlier this year I found out that good ol' Momma Tee is autistic AF and this new found information, along with 3 additional diagnoses I received, makes my entire life make sense.
So there's that. I had a hard time coping with life in general, then I had to go and have a baby, and then my dad passed away in a very sad and painful manner, and then my son turned out to be extra freaking difficult to take care of and I just crashed. 2016 was hard and I couldn't do it anymore when 2017 came around.
So, I didn't. I didn't do anything, except the bare minimum for my son. For months. His main therapist, who I love and trust so much, grew concerned and gently suggested I look into my own health for once, and so I did. And now I know so much more about myself. Ever since, I've been on a journey to learn as much as I can about myself and how to make things work for me. This has come at the expense of my friendships and my connection to you guys, here. I can't apologize enough to those I owe art and money to, and those who've tried to keep in contact with me but have failed. I really suck in general, but especially this year. I'm sorry.
So, what now? Well, as I posted recently, my cat of 16 years just recently passed, in a very painful and sad manner as well, and I'm still recovering. I'm better now than when it first happened, but it's on my mind every day. With that, Christmas marks 2 years since my dad has passed. December is full of emotions for me, but I'm trying my hardest to get my life in order. Come January, I am sucking it up and getting it done. No more excuses.
Once I have cleared myself from everything I owe, I will NOT be returning to commissions in the foreseeable future. I simply cannot commit to any sort of time constraints right now, and I can't allow myself to keep stringing people along. It's unprofessional and not someone I want to be. I'm not saying I quit art forever (especially not personal art), but I am not promising that commissions will be available any time soon. I need to focus on myself, my family, and my goals in life for awhile longer.
So, I suppose the gist so far is that I have been broken for a very, very long time, and never knew why. I finally shut down completely and that lead to me finally knowing why I suck so much. Now I see the world so much more clearly, but it will take time to repair myself. Commissions do not fit into my vision of self healing. Art is my hobby and must remain as such for the time being.
I feel like this is unnecessarily long, so I'm going to wrap it up. Here are a few other things that have happened lately, for anyone interested:
1. I drew something (gasp) recently and it was actually pretty dang cute. I'll upload it. I have not drawn much at all in like... 8 months. So, I was surprised to see I can still do it.
2. I decorated the house for Christmas this year. I've never decorated for holidays in the past, save for maybe a tree or stockings or something very small. This year, I Christmas'd the heck out of the kitchen, dining and living rooms. It's a nice mood boost.
3. For a brief moment in time, I was financially well off, so I decided to treat myself. I bought an F2 Savannah kitten and he's the most darling little thing ever. I got him shortly before Dorito passed away, which did not dull the pain of losing her at all, but in the time since she's been gone, it's been nice to have a cat's love still. He's the perfect little kitty.
4. Another treat I bought for myself is a brand new tablet. It's really nice, but I was hoping it'd incentivize me to draw more often. It has not. BUT, I'm going to force myself to draw more often come January, and it'll certainly make that easier than the janky set up I had before.
5. I'm not as financially as well off as I originally thought, so no more fancy gifts for myself. Instead, I'm actually looking to cut down on my massive Pokemon collection, which is very time consuming. I kind of needed to prune it out anyway, so this is a good time to do so.
That's it. I'm done info dumping my personal life to mostly strangers. Enjoy. I'm going to go work on sorting things I owe to people now. Good night and happy holidays~
Oh, I forgot. A fellow artist has a cat that needs medical attention and could really use the help. Please consider contributing a few bucks toward her surgery! If not, a signal boost can help, too. Thanks!
https://www.gofundme.com/help-asher
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really hope things only get better for you
So I kind of know how you feel in a way. Having difficulty handling life and not knowing why. Your son, getting such an early diagnosis, should have a much easier life. There's a lot more help out there nowadays for people on the spectrum than there was when I was a kid.
I'm glad you and your son both have your diagnoses. I hope you're able to get a better handle on your life, and I hope your son has plenty of help along his journey, as well. :)
Ajna: I don't know if you/your son have Asperger's (A form of "high functioning autism"), but while I was a bit behind in some areas growing up, I was also ahead in others.
I'm on medication that keeps me balanced now; It took a while to find a combination that fit my needs, but I'll be happy to tell you which ones I take if you'd like to talk to your doctor about them.
If you need anything please talk to me. You're an amazing person!
I hope that you find happiness in life, and many blessings to you guys~
I will always be here should you need someone to talk to *hugs*
You have tons of my love, and may the holy guardian angels watch over you guys for many days to come~ *hugs*
And know that my blessings go with you
as for the commissions, arts, and stuff like that? Do what you can, when you can; don't rush yourself and take your time. Cause this cat's gonna stick around, okay?
It's nice to see you around again though, things will get better for you, and take your time. :3
Anyway, welcome back! I've missed your adorable art! <3
It's like being strapped to a chair in front of a huge wall of TVs, each tuned to a different channel, and being instructed to choose which one is most appropriate response for a given setting. There's a huge variety of content to choose from, in attitude, subject matter, modern relevance, age appropriateness, etc. Many of the TVs are faulty and will randomly cut out! Sometimes they all cut out at once. I'm on a time limit to choose a channel and if I don't make a choice quickly enough, or if I make the wrong choice, I am punished. There's an audience behind me who shout out their suggestions on the channel to choose, and they can be very loud sometimes! The punishment is double for channels I've selected that were influenced by the audience.
That might do it. XD;
And yeah, I have the anxiety bit too. As well as Depression. So, yeah, it can suck sometimes. ^^;
Also would love to get a picture or two of the new kitty ^^
Best wishes going forward - don't worry we'll all still be here when you are ready to be back more often. Focus on you; that's the most important thing you can do! <3
Keep working on your health and well being. Do what you need to and push on through.
Hope things go better this coming year than the last.
I'm looking forward to your personal art, too; Your own characters and ideas are generally more interesting and appealing than the commissions, I think.
If you ever would like to talk about anything, I'd be happy to listen.
it's really good to hear that you are feeling better, and it's super good to hear that you are getting answers. honestly in recent experience i've noticed that, while it won't ficx the problem, just having the answers can lift so much weight off your shoulders. so like, you keep doing you to the best you can and, i'm mor than sure things will turnaround for you!
if there is anything i say to everyione i care about, don't beat yourself up over things, like the one thing that i hate is when someone feels useless and there is no way for me to help them. but i also know the other side you talk about where like, what can you do? all you do is fuck everything up and nothing ever works out, and there is no reason you se where anyone should ever want to do anythin with you.
so, eh, i'm never good at talking and shit myself, but you be sure to keep the people you love in your mind and don't be afraid tochat with them, like they help so muc, even if they make you feel worse that you are bugging them.
hope you have a good christmass despite all that has happened in this month! commissions or not, i know i'll always look forward to seeing more art from you, no mater how often or rare it is to see, it's always a treat to see. makes my day brighter, that's for sure.
I wasn't clinically depressed because my brain was messed up. I was situationally depressed because I've been alone and struggling my entire life, with no explanation as to why normal life is more difficult for me than others, and feeling ashamed when I expressed that difficulty to others and they responded negatively. Getting those answers flipped on a light switch. Yeah, I'm messed up, but now I know WHY. There's a tangible reason, and knowing why I struggle has allowed me to address it and work to improve. It hasn't made my life rainbows. I'm still struggling, but it's different now. Before, my executive dysfunction fueled shame, disgust, and hatred for myself. Now, I understand it. I have medication for it. It's still there, but the view is different.
I really need more professional help than I am getting, but even if I never get it, I'm already way better off than I was before. I wish I had known sooner. I feel like I'm reborn. I have a chance at life, now. I just have to work really hard to get back to a baseline. That crash earlier this year really changed my. Unfortunately, I don't know how to properly express that to people, so I do feel crushing guilt over how I've handled things this year, but I'm trying to be kind to myself at the same time. Hopefully others can understand in their own way.
it seriously is nice to hear that you are doing really well comp[ared to how it sounds, so with or without help, i hope you just keep getting better!
Seriously jealous of that savannah kitten tho, they're not legal here D: