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Inappropriate Humor Contained Within
7 years ago
---ancient, frequently politically incorrect humor. These have been edited down to remove some things I'd be ...crazy, frankly... to post publicly.--
Top Ten Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex
10. Anyone can get chocolate if they want it.
9. "If you love me, then you'll swallow" has real meaning with chocolate.
8. Chocolate satisfies you even when it's soft.
7. You can get chocolate even from your mother.
6. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't complain.
5. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
4. You can ask any hot babe for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
3. You don't get hair in you teeth from eating chocolate.
2. Your bigot parents won't get upset if you tell them that you perfer dark
chocolate.
1. The worst thing you can get from too much chocolate is a little acne.
What happened when Snow White drank too much and passed out? She woke up feeling dopey.
How does the humorous gynecologist greet his patients? "At your cervix."
... I'm not lazy. I'm doing research on inertia.
In 1975 who hit the most balls out of Cominski Park? Hank Aaron.
In 1975 who was hit in the face by the most balls? Liberace.
This guy goes to the local whore house He tells the lady behind the desk that he would like some company. She immediately turns around and yells "Al, lube up Trixie!" She then turn to the man "That will be 25 dollars." He says he doesn't have that much. She yell to the back "Cancel that Al, lube up Candy!" She turns to the guy "That will be 10 dollars." The guy tells her he only has 5 bucks. She yells again "Al cancel that, lube up!"
(Hold up index and middle fingers of your right hand.) "Do you know why all women should masturbate with these two fingers?" "No..." "Because they're mine!"
A man breaks down in the middle of Pennsylvania. dutch country on a cold day. After a few minutes an amish man in a horse and buggy pulls up and asks if he could help.The man accepts and gets in the buggy. The amish man, after driving for a while reaches up, lifts the horses tail, rubs its ass, then rubs all around his own mouth. He does this twice when the man perks up and asks why.
"I have chapped lips,"the amish man replied.
"Is that an old amish remedy?"
"no,but it keeps you from licking your lips!!"
TOP TEN ELF PICKUP LINES:
10) I'm down here
9) Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesnt mean I'm a sissy
8) I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi
7) I can get you off that naughty list
6) I have certain needs that cant be satisfied by working on toys
5) I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.
4) No, no, I dont bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler
3) I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man
2) You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig
1) I can eat my weight in cocktail weiners
Life is like a dick. When it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard somebody's gonna get f*cked
Pickup lines
1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop 'em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile if you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
15. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
22. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Hello love, do you spit or swallow?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book. So what's one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. "Are you ready to go home yet?"
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much your weight.
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I'd look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
50. NOW, BITCH!
51. Fancy a fuck?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
54. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
67. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
68. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
69. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
70. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
71. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples?
72. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.
73. Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock, it's a GEM.
74. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
75. Do you want to go halves on a bastard?
I have an 11 inch tongue and mastered the art of breathing out of my ears.
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.
Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
I love every bone in your body..especially mine.
How many times does 59 go into 16 ? I don't know, ask woody Allen.
Q: What does a gynocologist do when he gets sentimental?
A: He looks up old girlfriends.
Q: What was Jocelyn Elders' last official communication?
A: A memo to Pee Wee herman, asking him to come up to Washington and give her a hand.
Why do farts smell?
Ans: So that deaf people can share the experience.
The elevator door opens a man walks in and it smells awful. He sees this little guy standing in the corner. "Did you fart?" he asks the guy. The guy replies "What do you think, I smell like this all the time?"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised himself as a televsion set and Grandma, unknowingly, polished his knobs.
Meanwhile, back at the Fort, General Custer was beating off the Indians
Meanwhile, down at the Gas Station, Johnny was pumping Ethyl.
Top Ten Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex
10. Anyone can get chocolate if they want it.
9. "If you love me, then you'll swallow" has real meaning with chocolate.
8. Chocolate satisfies you even when it's soft.
7. You can get chocolate even from your mother.
6. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't complain.
5. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
4. You can ask any hot babe for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
3. You don't get hair in you teeth from eating chocolate.
2. Your bigot parents won't get upset if you tell them that you perfer dark
chocolate.
1. The worst thing you can get from too much chocolate is a little acne.
What happened when Snow White drank too much and passed out? She woke up feeling dopey.
How does the humorous gynecologist greet his patients? "At your cervix."
... I'm not lazy. I'm doing research on inertia.
In 1975 who hit the most balls out of Cominski Park? Hank Aaron.
In 1975 who was hit in the face by the most balls? Liberace.
This guy goes to the local whore house He tells the lady behind the desk that he would like some company. She immediately turns around and yells "Al, lube up Trixie!" She then turn to the man "That will be 25 dollars." He says he doesn't have that much. She yell to the back "Cancel that Al, lube up Candy!" She turns to the guy "That will be 10 dollars." The guy tells her he only has 5 bucks. She yells again "Al cancel that, lube up!"
(Hold up index and middle fingers of your right hand.) "Do you know why all women should masturbate with these two fingers?" "No..." "Because they're mine!"
A man breaks down in the middle of Pennsylvania. dutch country on a cold day. After a few minutes an amish man in a horse and buggy pulls up and asks if he could help.The man accepts and gets in the buggy. The amish man, after driving for a while reaches up, lifts the horses tail, rubs its ass, then rubs all around his own mouth. He does this twice when the man perks up and asks why.
"I have chapped lips,"the amish man replied.
"Is that an old amish remedy?"
"no,but it keeps you from licking your lips!!"
TOP TEN ELF PICKUP LINES:
10) I'm down here
9) Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesnt mean I'm a sissy
8) I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi
7) I can get you off that naughty list
6) I have certain needs that cant be satisfied by working on toys
5) I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.
4) No, no, I dont bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler
3) I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man
2) You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig
1) I can eat my weight in cocktail weiners
Life is like a dick. When it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard somebody's gonna get f*cked
Pickup lines
1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop 'em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile if you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
15. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
22. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Hello love, do you spit or swallow?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book. So what's one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. "Are you ready to go home yet?"
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much your weight.
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I'd look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
50. NOW, BITCH!
51. Fancy a fuck?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
54. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
67. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
68. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
69. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
70. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
71. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples?
72. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.
73. Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock, it's a GEM.
74. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
75. Do you want to go halves on a bastard?
I have an 11 inch tongue and mastered the art of breathing out of my ears.
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.
Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
I love every bone in your body..especially mine.
How many times does 59 go into 16 ? I don't know, ask woody Allen.
Q: What does a gynocologist do when he gets sentimental?
A: He looks up old girlfriends.
Q: What was Jocelyn Elders' last official communication?
A: A memo to Pee Wee herman, asking him to come up to Washington and give her a hand.
Why do farts smell?
Ans: So that deaf people can share the experience.
The elevator door opens a man walks in and it smells awful. He sees this little guy standing in the corner. "Did you fart?" he asks the guy. The guy replies "What do you think, I smell like this all the time?"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised himself as a televsion set and Grandma, unknowingly, polished his knobs.
Meanwhile, back at the Fort, General Custer was beating off the Indians
Meanwhile, down at the Gas Station, Johnny was pumping Ethyl.
As for the rest?
Thanks for all the chuckles!
I love the Title of yer Post, btw. TRUTH in advertising is becoming so rare, these days!
A: Bored
B: Horny
C: In a randy mood
D: in the need of a stallion
E: combination of all of the above.
A.
Add "Suddenly remembering I was supposed to post lots of these ancient jokes", and "Sick as hell right now". Just started the antibiotics today, so in a couple more I should be feeling better.
but that third point kinda kills off your other guesses, so sorry.
Awww! You got the holiday ick too?
And glad you enjoyed 'em!