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Bun Rambles Vol 12 (pure whoa)
8 years ago
General
Want something quilted or written special for you or someone special? Talk to me about it, & maybe we can work something out!!!
It's been a helluva trip the last couple months. MFF was a blast, but things had been really stressful leading up to it.
I need July to happen faster lol. Buhr & I are supposed to be getting a 2 bedroom apartment together up in Peoria Heights, so I can be out of my parents place. Don't get me wrong. I love them. But engaged & almost 30 me needs to be out of here. I've lived away from them most of my adult life, the last 3 years have been kinda tense at points. Dad likes to still act like I'm half my age, but I'm getting the feeling if he's not bitching he must not be breathing. Mom is starting to have these little panicky moments of saying she doesn't think she can handle being alone in this great big house with him so she wants us to live here & just live in the entire basement (Um, I live in the basement now, under my parents' bedroom. They won't let me have the completely open bedroom on the other end because she's keeping it as a damn shrine to my sister who's in the Air Force...& stationed 2 hours away).
I'm real close to having my license back. Just waiting on a letter from the state of Indiana, & then I'll pay $70 to the state of IL, get plates on the Vibe, & take the written & driving tests. So yeah. There may be a lot of random visits to friends upstate, downstate, & out of state.
OH another wow Mom moment. She made this huge deal about me making the basement living room a "useable space" again. The entirety of my belongings from my 3 bedroom house went into the basement of hers & a garage stall. I've given away, sold, & thrown away most of my life it feels like. 2 weeks ago, I had to put an entire dresser on the burn pile, 5 bags of clothing went to goodwill, & 10 garbage bags of things I grudgingly said I didn't need or want anymore. & then she was all sparkles & sunshine & said "You can have furmeets down here! Build fires in the fireplace, smoke hookah & I won't tell your Dad, have some alcohol & people can sleep over!" I just...what. What? *sigh* My 54 year old mother wants furries in her basement. WTF.
Then there's the wedding. I'm grateful to my bridesmaids for being as chill as they all are. I'm sad that it's postponed. I'm so worried about Buhr it's not even funny. Right now we're having the closest thing we've ever had to a fight & I want to yell at him, but we both are of the personality where we shut down when people yell at us, so we've promised to avoid it at all costs. He's just pushing me away because he's depressed right now & I feel helpless for not being able to help take care of him better. Yes, there's definite monsters in my head worried he's decided he doesn't want me, but I'm the one who said postpone the wedding for his health. I need him to be alive to have the wedding, dammit. & I want to have him around a long time.
I want a future. I'm so tired of trying to muddle through day at a time crap, & when things remind me of my abusive past I get stuck in that. I need to be able to have something to look at & say to myself "this is what you're working for, this is what you're living for, you have to survive & thrive to make this happen." The wedding. Having a real home with him. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still poly, I still have other partners, they're just long distance) Adopting since I can't carry to term (oh man that'll be a hot freaking mess when I decide to talk about that more). Raising a kid or two. Because I want to adopt foreign, I'm sure we'll get funny looks. When we talked about it last, we had settled on kids from the Philippines & Korea. Black Dad with Indian features, white/Hebraic Mom, beautiful Asian babies. I'm sure we'll get weird looks, but y'know what? Screw people. I want a family that's multicultural. I want to raise a family that respects & learns & can teach other people how to get along. My extended family is already mixed. I'm not expecting any trouble from within. & that's the important thing.
Dunno. I'm just dealing with racing thoughts again & it's not even the helpful kind that make me more creative. I just want to watch anime & play games at the same time. Makes using the oracle deck I bought myself for Hanukkah really difficult.
I need July to happen faster lol. Buhr & I are supposed to be getting a 2 bedroom apartment together up in Peoria Heights, so I can be out of my parents place. Don't get me wrong. I love them. But engaged & almost 30 me needs to be out of here. I've lived away from them most of my adult life, the last 3 years have been kinda tense at points. Dad likes to still act like I'm half my age, but I'm getting the feeling if he's not bitching he must not be breathing. Mom is starting to have these little panicky moments of saying she doesn't think she can handle being alone in this great big house with him so she wants us to live here & just live in the entire basement (Um, I live in the basement now, under my parents' bedroom. They won't let me have the completely open bedroom on the other end because she's keeping it as a damn shrine to my sister who's in the Air Force...& stationed 2 hours away).
I'm real close to having my license back. Just waiting on a letter from the state of Indiana, & then I'll pay $70 to the state of IL, get plates on the Vibe, & take the written & driving tests. So yeah. There may be a lot of random visits to friends upstate, downstate, & out of state.
OH another wow Mom moment. She made this huge deal about me making the basement living room a "useable space" again. The entirety of my belongings from my 3 bedroom house went into the basement of hers & a garage stall. I've given away, sold, & thrown away most of my life it feels like. 2 weeks ago, I had to put an entire dresser on the burn pile, 5 bags of clothing went to goodwill, & 10 garbage bags of things I grudgingly said I didn't need or want anymore. & then she was all sparkles & sunshine & said "You can have furmeets down here! Build fires in the fireplace, smoke hookah & I won't tell your Dad, have some alcohol & people can sleep over!" I just...what. What? *sigh* My 54 year old mother wants furries in her basement. WTF.
Then there's the wedding. I'm grateful to my bridesmaids for being as chill as they all are. I'm sad that it's postponed. I'm so worried about Buhr it's not even funny. Right now we're having the closest thing we've ever had to a fight & I want to yell at him, but we both are of the personality where we shut down when people yell at us, so we've promised to avoid it at all costs. He's just pushing me away because he's depressed right now & I feel helpless for not being able to help take care of him better. Yes, there's definite monsters in my head worried he's decided he doesn't want me, but I'm the one who said postpone the wedding for his health. I need him to be alive to have the wedding, dammit. & I want to have him around a long time.
I want a future. I'm so tired of trying to muddle through day at a time crap, & when things remind me of my abusive past I get stuck in that. I need to be able to have something to look at & say to myself "this is what you're working for, this is what you're living for, you have to survive & thrive to make this happen." The wedding. Having a real home with him. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still poly, I still have other partners, they're just long distance) Adopting since I can't carry to term (oh man that'll be a hot freaking mess when I decide to talk about that more). Raising a kid or two. Because I want to adopt foreign, I'm sure we'll get funny looks. When we talked about it last, we had settled on kids from the Philippines & Korea. Black Dad with Indian features, white/Hebraic Mom, beautiful Asian babies. I'm sure we'll get weird looks, but y'know what? Screw people. I want a family that's multicultural. I want to raise a family that respects & learns & can teach other people how to get along. My extended family is already mixed. I'm not expecting any trouble from within. & that's the important thing.
Dunno. I'm just dealing with racing thoughts again & it's not even the helpful kind that make me more creative. I just want to watch anime & play games at the same time. Makes using the oracle deck I bought myself for Hanukkah really difficult.
