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So here's the deal
8 years ago
This isn't working, and it hasn't been working for a while. But, what, you might ask?
Supporting myself solely on commission work. I'm quitting the commission life. It's positively exhausting, and to be honest, it's starting to truly wear on my love of drawing. The last thing I want is something I need as much as I do art, is for it to become something I dread, or perceive as a chore. So, I'm stepping away from commission work. It - unfortunately - will not be a quick disconnect, as I've got to get myself setup for an alternative means of support, but this is gonna be it for me for ... well, I'm not sure. My burnouts have been coming faster and faster with every consecutive year, and the most unfortunate thing about relying on the unreliable, feast or famine lifestyle of commission based income is that... you never get to turn off.
Now, it may be different for some people, but for me this is the case. I don't ever get to turn off, and I generally only break even, or am slightly behind on this, that or the other thing. There's no stability, and I end up going over mental checklists:
Am I behind on this piece?
How long have I made this person wait?
Can I squeeze another couple days out while I try to setup the next round to cover this piece of my living cost?
On top of that, the harder I push, the more the art suffers, and I hate not giving my absolute max skill just because I'm mentally and creatively too drained to produce at the level I know I'm capable of.
So what brought this on?
I typically am a private person, and I don't like sharing my personal struggles, but as they give you a level of insight into why exactly I've made this decision/have been regrettably as bad as I have about my follow-through, I've been encouraged to be a bit more transparent.
A few of you probably noticed my lack of activity since October, and there's a reason for that. I started crashing late in September, I managed to hold shit together until about late October, and then in November, I cracked. Those who end up waiting extended periods of time for art may simply assume I've cut and run, but that's counter-intuitive to the business I'm in and not the case. Generally speaking, when I've stopped altogether and dragged things out longer than they should, it's that I lack the creative fortitude to give what I have to to create a piece. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I literally cannot.
Late October I started working myself up, on top of the even high of stress I regularly function with. I've always been an anxious person, but I'm also relatively self-aware and able to talk myself down. Not this time, it amped up to unmanageable levels and bled into the one reprieve that'd been a constant: sleep. I developed horrible sleep anxiety that compounded everything else. I couldn't sleep and was overtired most of the time, and when I did, the hours were so fucked up it threw everything else up. I started pulling away in November because I was horribly raw and just couldn't be a person in my real life (unfortunately required, as the holidays were upon us, and I have a relatively large, closeknit family that spends a large chunk of that being together and enjoying it.) My priorities were family, so I pulled away from anything else because I couldn't handle one more thing. I'm sorry about going into radio silence with everyone. I wasn't ignoring you for any other reason, just that I was too raw and overwhelmed.
Anyways, long story short, at the end of the year I was having a conversation with someone who is also an artist and could see the life draining out of my work. Basically, it served as an epiphany. I'm ready to be done with this chapter, and I may revisit the commission scene, but what I need is to stop and refocus myself, do something to set myself up in a healthier lifestyle so I can properly enjoy and advance my artistic side.
I need to make a fair amount of cash before I close out completely. I need new duds, sundry items, basic necessities, and to make sure all my bills are covered into next month. If you see streams going up, that's where I intend to make it. It's my compromise, the stream allows me to get things done on the spot and disconnect when it's over.
Now that I've dragged this out to epic proportions, I'll just bulletpoint what to expect from me as I try to ease out of the field.
- Owed work will be completed, I'm not trying to excuse and brush aside anyone. I'll get it done.
- Streams with on-the-spots. I generally don't enjoy streaming, because it's exhausting, but I will be, usually with friends.
- Personal work. You'll see more of it, although I'll wager we're like, at least four months out from that.
- I may - on occasion - open for very specific commission types, if the fancy takes me/if i need the extra income, but only then.
- More trades, more gift work. The irony is that money makes the process of giving art to people so much more stressful. I actually really enjoy drawing for people, just not as much when it's paid for.
If you're concerned I may have forgotten you, about any point presented here-- whatever --just note me and I'll be happy to see it resolved. I also appreciate the understanding in advance.
Supporting myself solely on commission work. I'm quitting the commission life. It's positively exhausting, and to be honest, it's starting to truly wear on my love of drawing. The last thing I want is something I need as much as I do art, is for it to become something I dread, or perceive as a chore. So, I'm stepping away from commission work. It - unfortunately - will not be a quick disconnect, as I've got to get myself setup for an alternative means of support, but this is gonna be it for me for ... well, I'm not sure. My burnouts have been coming faster and faster with every consecutive year, and the most unfortunate thing about relying on the unreliable, feast or famine lifestyle of commission based income is that... you never get to turn off.
Now, it may be different for some people, but for me this is the case. I don't ever get to turn off, and I generally only break even, or am slightly behind on this, that or the other thing. There's no stability, and I end up going over mental checklists:
Am I behind on this piece?
How long have I made this person wait?
Can I squeeze another couple days out while I try to setup the next round to cover this piece of my living cost?
On top of that, the harder I push, the more the art suffers, and I hate not giving my absolute max skill just because I'm mentally and creatively too drained to produce at the level I know I'm capable of.
So what brought this on?
I typically am a private person, and I don't like sharing my personal struggles, but as they give you a level of insight into why exactly I've made this decision/have been regrettably as bad as I have about my follow-through, I've been encouraged to be a bit more transparent.
A few of you probably noticed my lack of activity since October, and there's a reason for that. I started crashing late in September, I managed to hold shit together until about late October, and then in November, I cracked. Those who end up waiting extended periods of time for art may simply assume I've cut and run, but that's counter-intuitive to the business I'm in and not the case. Generally speaking, when I've stopped altogether and dragged things out longer than they should, it's that I lack the creative fortitude to give what I have to to create a piece. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I literally cannot.
Late October I started working myself up, on top of the even high of stress I regularly function with. I've always been an anxious person, but I'm also relatively self-aware and able to talk myself down. Not this time, it amped up to unmanageable levels and bled into the one reprieve that'd been a constant: sleep. I developed horrible sleep anxiety that compounded everything else. I couldn't sleep and was overtired most of the time, and when I did, the hours were so fucked up it threw everything else up. I started pulling away in November because I was horribly raw and just couldn't be a person in my real life (unfortunately required, as the holidays were upon us, and I have a relatively large, closeknit family that spends a large chunk of that being together and enjoying it.) My priorities were family, so I pulled away from anything else because I couldn't handle one more thing. I'm sorry about going into radio silence with everyone. I wasn't ignoring you for any other reason, just that I was too raw and overwhelmed.
Anyways, long story short, at the end of the year I was having a conversation with someone who is also an artist and could see the life draining out of my work. Basically, it served as an epiphany. I'm ready to be done with this chapter, and I may revisit the commission scene, but what I need is to stop and refocus myself, do something to set myself up in a healthier lifestyle so I can properly enjoy and advance my artistic side.
I need to make a fair amount of cash before I close out completely. I need new duds, sundry items, basic necessities, and to make sure all my bills are covered into next month. If you see streams going up, that's where I intend to make it. It's my compromise, the stream allows me to get things done on the spot and disconnect when it's over.
Now that I've dragged this out to epic proportions, I'll just bulletpoint what to expect from me as I try to ease out of the field.
- Owed work will be completed, I'm not trying to excuse and brush aside anyone. I'll get it done.
- Streams with on-the-spots. I generally don't enjoy streaming, because it's exhausting, but I will be, usually with friends.
- Personal work. You'll see more of it, although I'll wager we're like, at least four months out from that.
- I may - on occasion - open for very specific commission types, if the fancy takes me/if i need the extra income, but only then.
- More trades, more gift work. The irony is that money makes the process of giving art to people so much more stressful. I actually really enjoy drawing for people, just not as much when it's paid for.
If you're concerned I may have forgotten you, about any point presented here-- whatever --just note me and I'll be happy to see it resolved. I also appreciate the understanding in advance.
As an FYI though, you may want to modify your profile so it no longer says you're open for commissions.