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Fear
7 years ago
And when my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when your feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
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For those of you who do not know, my children were involved in a very serious bus accident Monday, on their way home from school. They are about as fine as can be expected, just some deep bruising and a little swelling. However, the little girl who was in the seat next to my daughter was ejected from the bus, and passed away Tuesday morning at 1 am from her injuries. This little girl was the same age as my daughter and was her friend. So as you can imagine she is really going through a tough spot.
You never realize how afraid you can be, or how much of an impact that fear can have on you, until you become a parent and your child is in an accident. Especially when had there been one little change, it could have meant the life of one of your children. It's a numbing, almost crippling fear. Thankfully by someone's grace, I am managing to not be crippled by this fear and to continue to function. However at this point, I am not very certain if it is actually me doing any of this, or if it is just a robotic, going through the motions kinda thing.
This is a situation, and a fear, that I sincerely hope no parent has to ever go through. And I have a new found respect for the strength these parents who have ever gone through this.
And the worst thing is all the "What Ifs", the unanswered questions and the utter feelings of helplessness as you watch your child try to process what happened and what they saw, as you know that there isn't much, if anything, that you can do to make things alright again. The counselor at the school urged me to try and focus on all of the positive things. Being a realist with bipolar disorder, this is a very difficult thing for me to deal with. While I am attempting to not dwell on the negatives and the what ifs, I can not completely ignore them and not look at all the sides of the situation from every possible angle. Complete with all the conflicting emotions, from being thankful that it wasn't your child, to feeling a crippling horrible for thinking such things, even though you know that it is only human, and as a result beating yourself up about said feelings.
Thank you. Yea she is having a pretty hard time. And I feel so helpless.
No one has faulted me at all. Everyone has been really great. Which is both helpful and not. My mind is kinda crap, and I have a hard time not being very hard on myself. Mostly because I see everything from every angle and side. And I can understand and feel various others feelings. Which seriously complicates things.