FA+
Shop
Failure. (An update about my life)
8 years ago
General
Last year, or rather, last month, December 2017. I was on a countdown to a vacation trip to Singapore, which was "supposed" to be on the 25th of December. I finished the school term and passed with flying colors, I was happy, I was excited, I've started to gather stuff and get ready for this once again the only happiest time I will ever be in. Spend time with my mate, with other friends who are there in Singapore, have a good time roaming around, etc.
December 24, 2017
--I've gathered all my things, I've bought a nifty exchange gift for my friends there, even one specifically for my mate. My luggage was ready and full of stuff. My flight time was near. I checked-in online and before I knew it, the worst mistake of my life is just upfront. I noticed my passport's expiry date to be on February 2018. That means, it's expiring in 2 months. At first I thought that's not a problem because it's still valid on my flight. It's not. There is a rule of thumb for passports to be valid at least 6 months for travel, and Singapore requires 6 months validity. Exactly. and strictly. I panicked really badly. I felt like I was going to collapse. I tried to look for ways maybe they'd consider me to go, but to no avail. Every option is dead from the start. I felt like running out of breath. I was literally crying a waterfall as I try to find some hope. There isn't.
December 25, 2017
--The day of the flight that never happened. An extremely bitter mistake. A total failure. I wanted to really kill myself. A whole year of savings, gone down the drain. A whole year of effort to go through school, hoping of a light at the end of the tunnel, at the end of the year. There isn't. I was paralyzed the whole day, didn't want to eat, didn't want to drink, wanted to run away from home and end my story. It was at that time I experienced a really horrible side of depression. Painful. Bitter. Excruciating. I don't know whether I should kill myself out of starvation, or something else. I can't see any hope, any light, not even from my friends' comfort and empathy, nor from my own mate's. It was truly a massive and horrible mistake that I've never ever experienced in my whole life.
Onwards
--Immediately I lost everything. Motivation. Inspiration. Power. Hope. Dreams. Self-care. and passion for art. I became more isolated. Never talked or rarely talked to my parents, or anyone. Cooped up in my bed, shedding my tears almost all the time. It almost felt traumatic. Shivering. Wide awake. Full of dread. but empty of soul. I went through each day with a heavy burden of going through another year. 2018. Another year of suffering, pain, torture, disgust, hate and anger, depression, anxiety, frustration, jealousy, agony, etc. I felt like I can't anymore, I felt that at one point I'd just lose control of myself, and before I know it, I've already ended my life. way. too. early. New Year 2018 came as if it's just a normal day, it didn't feel like a new year, it felt like just an extension of 2017. Nothing new is there. Each day it would come to thought that at least I'd feel better. It sorta did. But not really. It took a great amount of effort to put it behind my back. But every now and then it still haunts me, all what I've lost, all of that effort that was wasted. I could never forget about it.
Today
--I was instructed by a friend a few weeks ago to don't do any art stuff for 20 days. That ends today so I'm free to do art again. Though even if I was free to do art beforehand, it would be painful to do anything at all, it scared me. I felt like any effort I'm doing is just for nothing. Just. Nothing. Moving on was as painful as removing a steel beam that had pierced through my body. My heart feels heavy. Nothing much really changed, just that I've tried to keep it at the back of my head. The scars however of what this incident had done to me mentally and physically, is probably permanently there.
==============================
Why didn't I know about the passport validity until too late?
--My aunt had my passport until only recently that she gave it to me. I know. I never should've had her hold it. As of the moment I have it beside me now, and never will I let anyone, not even my parents, get hold of it.
Why not I try to refund it? Rebook it?
--To no avail. I tried to go to the airline office itself to ask for a refund, but it wasn't possible. However, a rebook can be possibly made, but again, however, the penalty fee for the rebooking is higher than the ticket. (The ticket was around 12,000 PHP, while the penalty fee would rise about 14,000 PHP and thats not including the changes in ticket price for the schedule.) So it was no use, that money is long gone and never will be returned.
Did I start to at least get my passport renewed?
--Yes. My appointment for the passport renewal will be on March.
How about my art commissions?
--I may continue it. But being mentally paralyzed, I don't know how much effort can I get through. I have a sideline savings for a new desktop PC so that I could work better. But even that is experiencing problems to complete.
Am I okay?
--No.
Will I be okay?
--I don't know.
So, I'm sorry for this very long hiatus. I'm really sorry. But this whole thing shook me up and literally fucked up with me. It may be definitely my fault but I can't deny the fact that, it was still a very big loss of effort and money.
December 24, 2017
--I've gathered all my things, I've bought a nifty exchange gift for my friends there, even one specifically for my mate. My luggage was ready and full of stuff. My flight time was near. I checked-in online and before I knew it, the worst mistake of my life is just upfront. I noticed my passport's expiry date to be on February 2018. That means, it's expiring in 2 months. At first I thought that's not a problem because it's still valid on my flight. It's not. There is a rule of thumb for passports to be valid at least 6 months for travel, and Singapore requires 6 months validity. Exactly. and strictly. I panicked really badly. I felt like I was going to collapse. I tried to look for ways maybe they'd consider me to go, but to no avail. Every option is dead from the start. I felt like running out of breath. I was literally crying a waterfall as I try to find some hope. There isn't.
December 25, 2017
--The day of the flight that never happened. An extremely bitter mistake. A total failure. I wanted to really kill myself. A whole year of savings, gone down the drain. A whole year of effort to go through school, hoping of a light at the end of the tunnel, at the end of the year. There isn't. I was paralyzed the whole day, didn't want to eat, didn't want to drink, wanted to run away from home and end my story. It was at that time I experienced a really horrible side of depression. Painful. Bitter. Excruciating. I don't know whether I should kill myself out of starvation, or something else. I can't see any hope, any light, not even from my friends' comfort and empathy, nor from my own mate's. It was truly a massive and horrible mistake that I've never ever experienced in my whole life.
Onwards
--Immediately I lost everything. Motivation. Inspiration. Power. Hope. Dreams. Self-care. and passion for art. I became more isolated. Never talked or rarely talked to my parents, or anyone. Cooped up in my bed, shedding my tears almost all the time. It almost felt traumatic. Shivering. Wide awake. Full of dread. but empty of soul. I went through each day with a heavy burden of going through another year. 2018. Another year of suffering, pain, torture, disgust, hate and anger, depression, anxiety, frustration, jealousy, agony, etc. I felt like I can't anymore, I felt that at one point I'd just lose control of myself, and before I know it, I've already ended my life. way. too. early. New Year 2018 came as if it's just a normal day, it didn't feel like a new year, it felt like just an extension of 2017. Nothing new is there. Each day it would come to thought that at least I'd feel better. It sorta did. But not really. It took a great amount of effort to put it behind my back. But every now and then it still haunts me, all what I've lost, all of that effort that was wasted. I could never forget about it.
Today
--I was instructed by a friend a few weeks ago to don't do any art stuff for 20 days. That ends today so I'm free to do art again. Though even if I was free to do art beforehand, it would be painful to do anything at all, it scared me. I felt like any effort I'm doing is just for nothing. Just. Nothing. Moving on was as painful as removing a steel beam that had pierced through my body. My heart feels heavy. Nothing much really changed, just that I've tried to keep it at the back of my head. The scars however of what this incident had done to me mentally and physically, is probably permanently there.
==============================
Why didn't I know about the passport validity until too late?
--My aunt had my passport until only recently that she gave it to me. I know. I never should've had her hold it. As of the moment I have it beside me now, and never will I let anyone, not even my parents, get hold of it.
Why not I try to refund it? Rebook it?
--To no avail. I tried to go to the airline office itself to ask for a refund, but it wasn't possible. However, a rebook can be possibly made, but again, however, the penalty fee for the rebooking is higher than the ticket. (The ticket was around 12,000 PHP, while the penalty fee would rise about 14,000 PHP and thats not including the changes in ticket price for the schedule.) So it was no use, that money is long gone and never will be returned.
Did I start to at least get my passport renewed?
--Yes. My appointment for the passport renewal will be on March.
How about my art commissions?
--I may continue it. But being mentally paralyzed, I don't know how much effort can I get through. I have a sideline savings for a new desktop PC so that I could work better. But even that is experiencing problems to complete.
Am I okay?
--No.
Will I be okay?
--I don't know.
So, I'm sorry for this very long hiatus. I'm really sorry. But this whole thing shook me up and literally fucked up with me. It may be definitely my fault but I can't deny the fact that, it was still a very big loss of effort and money.
Well that is a candidate for the dumbest thing I've heard
But yeah, it's a painful thing only knowing about this too late.
I haven't quite been in the exact same situation, but similar ones before where I could not board a flight leaving due to passport issues, and re-booking cost me a great deal more than my original flight. It's a very painful and harsh mistake, which hurts deeply. Thankfully I have far deeper pockets and was able with some desperation and a massive hit to my bank account to solve my issues.
As much as it seems weak, chin up - you got this, you can renew your passport and get there anyways, even if only at the end of this year.
I am planning to try to save enough again for the end of this year. well, hopefully.
I have no doubt this hurt a lot, but you'll get through it.
Yeah I know, quite sucks.