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I'll be out of town next week
8 years ago
Glimpse The Thoughts of Jack the Beaver
After just shy of six weeks and putting in two hundred and fifteen application (Do not count. Do not ever count) I finally have an interview in PA. I'm considering saying I got a job even if I don't just because I've grown to despise being here beyond all comprehension.
I've spent the last six weeks reflecting on my...well my situation. It's not fair. It's not fair that my attempting to study was screwed up by my mother's drinking problem and clingyness, so clingy when I went to the library she called the LIBRARY and threw such a hissy fit I had to go home.
It's not fair that my dad spends half his time covering for her and the other half passing her on to me. My dad spends most of his time avoiding problems if he can help it. Or just boiling them down to money, everything can be solved by money. I found that reasoning to...well explain a lot of things in my family.
When I was fourteen (August 8th, 2004, Sunday while Grocery Shopping) my mother called me the biggest loser she had ever seen. She told me that her only regret in life was not aborting me. Two weeks later she had a break down (August 19th, School day, Thursday) she told me if I ever left she'd kill herself.
Now imagine living on that roller coaster ride for years on end. Imagine your parents ignore your brother (except to tell you how much better he is than you) and because the insanity hasn't focused on him he gets out. You meanwhile remain trapped in this vortex of hell.
I am intensely private and competitive person. I don't mean to be either of those things but my home life has made me them. My parents once picked the lock on my door and went through my stuff when I was on a trip. I had taped a tooth pick over one of my desk drawers and put a small layer of flour over the papers inside. I figured I could vacuum up later. The tooth pick was broken and the papers riffled around.
As for competitive well through out my life my parents have been fast to tell me about how other children (or my brother) were doing compared to me. My brother still tells me how much more money he has, how nice his apartment is, how he can afford a brand new car, how he is important and I'm not. Yes but he's a massive cunt and I'm not.
I've been told many times I'm not alone in dealing with this except I am. Yes I have friends but they don't have to live with it. I do. I have plenty of people ready to give me platitudes on enduring and trusting in God. All that's done is make me really hate platitudes.
None of this is fair to me. I shouldn't be so screwed up I have to go into therapy to fix it. Nor should I be expected to fix it. But I am. It's not fair and I have to live with it anyway. Everything will be harder for me and I'm just going to have to live with it.
I'm a walking mess of complexities. I can't write a simple TF story. It has to be complex and metaphorical, it has to be saying something important. Today I finished a story that was pure TF and I was so ashamed someone else is posting it on their page. I can't even say what it is out of fear saying so will say to much about me.
God forbid I let people in. God forbid I actually talk about things I live and share some of my loves. No, never do that, keep yourself as closed off as possible. Then discover no one knows you.
I will be leaving my house at the latest by April. I'm going to Fur the More and if I don't have a job I'll just be staying with Noir. I've reached the breaking point, I can do no more.
In this house I feel I must always be controlled. I can't express myself. I can't share my loves or passions. I have to behave in a way my parents would find acceptable. One of my all time favorite things are locked room mystery stories. I never write about them or write a furry one. That would be sharing something personal to me.
I want to go to a con, another con besides FtM this year. Because at conventions I can at least a little loosen my inhibitions. But that's not in the cards. I need out even more. So I'll give up something I enjoy and grind out freedom for my family.
I'll head up to PA for my job interviews next Wednesday. I only realized next Wed is Ash Wednesday. Still not actually in the church yet I've already decided what I'm giving up. This will be the last time you see me on Fur Affinity until Easter. I am giving it up entirely.
If I get a job I'll make sure to tell someone, probably
rimme or 
indagare. If anyone cares they'll tell you all. For me I had to get this journal written. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, just say it.
I wish things had gone differently for me. My life could have been so much...so much better. But I'm not lucky. I was born with a mountain to haul around. So be it.
PS: The story I was too neurotic to post was this one: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26354140/
Because of how neurotic I am I tossed all that attention away. Sigh.
I've spent the last six weeks reflecting on my...well my situation. It's not fair. It's not fair that my attempting to study was screwed up by my mother's drinking problem and clingyness, so clingy when I went to the library she called the LIBRARY and threw such a hissy fit I had to go home.
It's not fair that my dad spends half his time covering for her and the other half passing her on to me. My dad spends most of his time avoiding problems if he can help it. Or just boiling them down to money, everything can be solved by money. I found that reasoning to...well explain a lot of things in my family.
When I was fourteen (August 8th, 2004, Sunday while Grocery Shopping) my mother called me the biggest loser she had ever seen. She told me that her only regret in life was not aborting me. Two weeks later she had a break down (August 19th, School day, Thursday) she told me if I ever left she'd kill herself.
Now imagine living on that roller coaster ride for years on end. Imagine your parents ignore your brother (except to tell you how much better he is than you) and because the insanity hasn't focused on him he gets out. You meanwhile remain trapped in this vortex of hell.
I am intensely private and competitive person. I don't mean to be either of those things but my home life has made me them. My parents once picked the lock on my door and went through my stuff when I was on a trip. I had taped a tooth pick over one of my desk drawers and put a small layer of flour over the papers inside. I figured I could vacuum up later. The tooth pick was broken and the papers riffled around.
As for competitive well through out my life my parents have been fast to tell me about how other children (or my brother) were doing compared to me. My brother still tells me how much more money he has, how nice his apartment is, how he can afford a brand new car, how he is important and I'm not. Yes but he's a massive cunt and I'm not.
I've been told many times I'm not alone in dealing with this except I am. Yes I have friends but they don't have to live with it. I do. I have plenty of people ready to give me platitudes on enduring and trusting in God. All that's done is make me really hate platitudes.
None of this is fair to me. I shouldn't be so screwed up I have to go into therapy to fix it. Nor should I be expected to fix it. But I am. It's not fair and I have to live with it anyway. Everything will be harder for me and I'm just going to have to live with it.
I'm a walking mess of complexities. I can't write a simple TF story. It has to be complex and metaphorical, it has to be saying something important. Today I finished a story that was pure TF and I was so ashamed someone else is posting it on their page. I can't even say what it is out of fear saying so will say to much about me.
God forbid I let people in. God forbid I actually talk about things I live and share some of my loves. No, never do that, keep yourself as closed off as possible. Then discover no one knows you.
I will be leaving my house at the latest by April. I'm going to Fur the More and if I don't have a job I'll just be staying with Noir. I've reached the breaking point, I can do no more.
In this house I feel I must always be controlled. I can't express myself. I can't share my loves or passions. I have to behave in a way my parents would find acceptable. One of my all time favorite things are locked room mystery stories. I never write about them or write a furry one. That would be sharing something personal to me.
I want to go to a con, another con besides FtM this year. Because at conventions I can at least a little loosen my inhibitions. But that's not in the cards. I need out even more. So I'll give up something I enjoy and grind out freedom for my family.
I'll head up to PA for my job interviews next Wednesday. I only realized next Wed is Ash Wednesday. Still not actually in the church yet I've already decided what I'm giving up. This will be the last time you see me on Fur Affinity until Easter. I am giving it up entirely.
If I get a job I'll make sure to tell someone, probably
rimme or 
indagare. If anyone cares they'll tell you all. For me I had to get this journal written. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, just say it. I wish things had gone differently for me. My life could have been so much...so much better. But I'm not lucky. I was born with a mountain to haul around. So be it.
PS: The story I was too neurotic to post was this one: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26354140/
Because of how neurotic I am I tossed all that attention away. Sigh.
Dominus tecum
Dominus tecum