I hate February.

For a number of reasons. Mostly all the halidays because of work. You got Fat Tuesday, then Ash Wednesday, and lent every Friday thereafter, as well as Valentin's day. It makes working in a kitchen very very busy. My birthday is in February so I also get officially older, so... that's cool... I guess...

Valentin's day inparticuler makes me unhappy. So much so that I wanted to write a journal about how the holiday makes me feel so alone in the world. But I relized that that would: 1. be a really hateful thing to do to other people on a day about love. And 2. Be me basically asking people to pity me for my own problems. (The few of you that may be reading this far) and that's not the kind of person I am, or not the person I want to be at the very least. And yes, I relize I accomplish this now just by bringing it up I achieve both 1. and 2.

P.S. if you don't want to pity me, become depressed or feel bad for being in a relationship, which I implore you not to do, STOP READING THIS AND FIND SOMETHING MORE MEANINGFUL TO DO WITH YOUR TIME
You've been warned...

But I'm writing this mostly to express the fact that I do have thoughts outside fetish writing and other smut.

The hardship of my job was also the main objective here. And before I go on, I just want to state that I knew fully well what I was signing up for when I decided to become a professional chef. Long hours, shitty schedule, hard work. I don't regreate marketing that career choice. I love working with food, I love makeing food for other people. I just need to vent to keep my sanity.

Valentine's day is especially hard on my mental well being. Havering to work on the holiday only reminds me that I'm alone, every time a order for two comes up i know its for two people who found each other against all odds. Wether they end up living happily ever after, or brake up never to see each other ever again. In that moment it dosen't matter. I guess there something magical in knowing I play an intricate part of that, but honestly in the moment it's lost on me. Even if I was off I'd just be alone anyways. And if I had someone I'd be working anyways FML.

Same goes for my birthday. I don't really mind that I get older, frankly I'm kind of excited by it! I have a few white hairs already and I'm looking forward to having that salt and pepper hair tone (yes I see the irony)
It's gona be soooo sexy when it comes in B)

But again it always falls on a weekend. Which for anyone who hasn't thought about it the way a kitchen schedule works is; anytime a normal person with a job that has a regular 9-5 job (like you perhaps?) has free time, is when the kitchen starts its job (me). I typically don't even think about havering a weekend, it just dosen't exsist in my world. The business comes first, my team comes first, my work comes first. That's just how I was trained.

So this year when on a whim I decide I want to actually celebrate my birthday...
I can't...
Cuz my manager neglected to inform me that theres a private party for 100+ that day.
So F.M.L.
I don't care how sorry you are about it. You let me down after all the sacrifices I make for this kitchen.
If you'd just relized when I put the request in two weeks before the actual date id have said "oh well, happy to help!" but you say 'yeah! We can work that out.' Then revoke it, I'm going to be salty about it!

Sorry I'm just rambling on but I don't have anyone to vent too.

It's hard for me to meet people outside of work. Like I stated before, when people are typically out and about doing interesting things Im working. When I'm off people are typically working at their normal jobs. Night and day. They never get to interact. On the few rare occasions that they intersect (eclipse) I'm just no good at talking to people. I'm anti social. Idk how or why?
Maybe I've been betrayed by too many people to try and make new relationships with strangers.
Maybe I was bullied to much by other people to share things about myself?
Maybe I find myself surrounded by people who just don't have the same values as I do?
Most likely the people I enjoy are like me, and don't like to go out and interact with strangers (like myself)
Maybe its all these things combined.

And before anyone tries to say "you just need to work on yourself" I have know idea what that's supposed to mean.

I've heard times before that charisma is a skill, its something that can be learned. I'm not cool with that. That sounds an awful lot like 'I'm going to learn how to make people like me.'
Like some kind of act...

I don't lie, I've done it too many times in my life to know that I don't want to do it any more. Sure ill suger coat things but I will never blatantly lie to someone. (Unless its like a surprise party/gift or something)

I want to be myself and find someone who can respect that level of open honesty and trust.

I was raised with one saying being the core of my beliefs:
Treat others the way you wish to be treated.

I would never do anything to anyone that I wouldn't expect in return. That also slips into my anti-social problem; ill leave you alone if you leave me alone.

I don't even know where all this was going anymore. Guess that's a rant right?

At the end if the day I just want someone to hold, and hold me back.

Thanks for reading this far, sorry for any negitvly I threw out there, just needed to vent before I break something. :P