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Devious Journal Entry 2
7 years ago
guys i seriously think i know what is wrong with me. i know a doctor should be the one to diagnose me but uM
ive been doing a LOT of research on bipolar depression and PSTD and even have taken tests, tests made by psycologists and doctors for others to take and im pretty sure i have bipolar depression.
im never 100% depressed all the time, i go through a mania episode where i feel good that only lasts for a couple of days if that. then i go back into a stage where i am sad, hopeless, emotionless, and suicidal. not only that, but my mind isalways ALWAYS running and ditracts me everyday. shit i dont want to ever think about yet pop up in my head.
call me a crazy church lady all you want, but i feel like the devil tells me that God doesn't love me and that i should leave Him. i really do tbh. but i have to keep fighting,
do know that when i say i feel suicidal that im not gonna kill myself, i just crave to die and it sounds great. i know not to do so but the thought of dying and not having to suffer in this fucked up place we call society sounds amazing.
im trying to hang in there but for fucks sakes when will it end? God Bless everyone of you that have to face this, it honestly sucks very bad. i dont even know why i am ever depressed. but i just feel so empty lost and hopeless.
i know i need help but how am i going to tell my mom???? "Oh, Hey mom, i think i have depression and haven't told u in 2 years, think i can get help>??"
it just won't work like that
someone suggest something please i-i
i am going to lose my gosh darn mind and im afraid i will react irrationally and i really dont want that.
ive been doing a LOT of research on bipolar depression and PSTD and even have taken tests, tests made by psycologists and doctors for others to take and im pretty sure i have bipolar depression.
im never 100% depressed all the time, i go through a mania episode where i feel good that only lasts for a couple of days if that. then i go back into a stage where i am sad, hopeless, emotionless, and suicidal. not only that, but my mind isalways ALWAYS running and ditracts me everyday. shit i dont want to ever think about yet pop up in my head.
call me a crazy church lady all you want, but i feel like the devil tells me that God doesn't love me and that i should leave Him. i really do tbh. but i have to keep fighting,
do know that when i say i feel suicidal that im not gonna kill myself, i just crave to die and it sounds great. i know not to do so but the thought of dying and not having to suffer in this fucked up place we call society sounds amazing.
im trying to hang in there but for fucks sakes when will it end? God Bless everyone of you that have to face this, it honestly sucks very bad. i dont even know why i am ever depressed. but i just feel so empty lost and hopeless.
i know i need help but how am i going to tell my mom???? "Oh, Hey mom, i think i have depression and haven't told u in 2 years, think i can get help>??"
it just won't work like that
someone suggest something please i-i
i am going to lose my gosh darn mind and im afraid i will react irrationally and i really dont want that.
I have depression myself, and it's rather fucked up -.-
-hugs-
The county or city you live in probably has a phone number for health services listed on their website that can tell you exactly what your options are. (In Los Angeles County, CA, it's 211. In San Bernardino County, where I live, it's (888) 743-1478.) If you want me to help you find it, PM me and I would be more than happy to direct you to the right person.
It is also likely that your school has somebody who could guide you through it. Many public schools and college campuses have at least one person dedicated to keeping up the mental health of the students and staff.