FA+
Shop
an update
7 years ago
Ok so, I know it's been a long while since I have done a legitimate journal update on here, but I feel it'd be a place I can get this off of my chest.
First off, I'm not dead. I'm still doing art, albeit a bit slowly. Ok, a LOT slower than I'd prefer. I've got some works done since my last upload, I just haven't posted them yet. They'll get posted, along with commissions I have finished and am still working on, so to those who I owe art to, I haven't forgotten you.
I've had some changes happen in my life since April of 2017. For one, I've moved out and on my own. That's right, I'm no longer living with family. Happened around early November, if memory serves me correctly. Unfortunately, my original place I moved into didn't work out, but it wasn't all that bad, everyone's still friends and there's no bad blood :) Thankfully, I didn't have to wait or go back 'home' after that, as my close friend
slimfox45 offered up a place in his home in Delaware to me, to which I happily and thankfully accepted. All of my roommates are amazing, and I feel like I'm finally free to just, well, be me. Granted, I'm still a bit held back due to some car issues keeping me from actually going around as well as I would like, as well as me trying to find another job so I can actually get enough money to cover things like rent and personal bills, but otherwise all seems to be well here. I have friends to see daily, new friends that come over somewhat frequently, it's almost a dream come true, compared to how things were for me back with my grandparents in South Carolina. Not that my home there was bad, no no, it was rather wonderful with my grandparents, but due to it being family, it did feel like I was being held back, you know?
Anyhow, so onto why I decided to put this journal up...
"Uh oh, what's with the trailing sentence?" you might ask. All seems to be good, I'm getting on my feet, etc. etc., right? Well, yes, that's true but...
The reason I'm writing this is to just get this off my chest...
My depression, anxiety, etc., it's all gotten much, much worse since I moved out. I know a lot of people are dealing with the same emotions and such, so I'm not belittling anyone's issues, I'm just trying to explain my own. To be completely honest, I still have no clue as to why everything seems to have gotten worse. I don't know if it's all just in my head but I am almost constantly in a state of stress. My anxiety spikes at absolutely random moments throughout the day, my sleeping schedule refuses to stay consistent, and as time continues on, it just feels like my depression continues to grow and the more it does, the more the suicidal thoughts come out...
I refuse to ever go through it, and will continue to refuse to, because I absolutely know all it will do is hurt people more than it'd hurt myself, and I just HATE hurting people, especially when I can avoid it. But it's just getting me worried, as I never really used to have these thoughts more than maybe, once in a blue moon, which would then just quickly pass. Since I moved though, 5 months ago, that thought has crossed my mind 12 times now, and each time left me in this emotionally dead state through most of the day. I just want to actually feel, well, happy, for once in my life. The fleeting moments of joy and the occasional smile are nice, but I'd like it to be a more consistent thing for me. I'm tired of constantly feeling down...
I think another factor in it all though is the fact that everything I enjoy doing, whether it is gaming, drawing, fursuiting, etc., just refuses to actually put me in a good mood anymore. Sure, sometimes I'll have a moment of enjoyment from a fun moment or intense section of a game that gets me truly involved, but at the end of everything, I just go back to the same, empty feeling as before, like that's all I have to do with my life, and it'll just constantly repeat or something.
I dunno, I feel like I may be rambling now, and to be fair I don't even know who's gonna read this, but to those of you who do, I just want to thank you for taking a few moments out of your day or night to read this over and can understand my current overall situation to some degree. After all, this isn't just a rant about my current emotional update, but an actual update as well :)
Thank you and have a great day.
-Sinny
First off, I'm not dead. I'm still doing art, albeit a bit slowly. Ok, a LOT slower than I'd prefer. I've got some works done since my last upload, I just haven't posted them yet. They'll get posted, along with commissions I have finished and am still working on, so to those who I owe art to, I haven't forgotten you.
I've had some changes happen in my life since April of 2017. For one, I've moved out and on my own. That's right, I'm no longer living with family. Happened around early November, if memory serves me correctly. Unfortunately, my original place I moved into didn't work out, but it wasn't all that bad, everyone's still friends and there's no bad blood :) Thankfully, I didn't have to wait or go back 'home' after that, as my close friend
slimfox45 offered up a place in his home in Delaware to me, to which I happily and thankfully accepted. All of my roommates are amazing, and I feel like I'm finally free to just, well, be me. Granted, I'm still a bit held back due to some car issues keeping me from actually going around as well as I would like, as well as me trying to find another job so I can actually get enough money to cover things like rent and personal bills, but otherwise all seems to be well here. I have friends to see daily, new friends that come over somewhat frequently, it's almost a dream come true, compared to how things were for me back with my grandparents in South Carolina. Not that my home there was bad, no no, it was rather wonderful with my grandparents, but due to it being family, it did feel like I was being held back, you know?Anyhow, so onto why I decided to put this journal up...
"Uh oh, what's with the trailing sentence?" you might ask. All seems to be good, I'm getting on my feet, etc. etc., right? Well, yes, that's true but...
The reason I'm writing this is to just get this off my chest...
My depression, anxiety, etc., it's all gotten much, much worse since I moved out. I know a lot of people are dealing with the same emotions and such, so I'm not belittling anyone's issues, I'm just trying to explain my own. To be completely honest, I still have no clue as to why everything seems to have gotten worse. I don't know if it's all just in my head but I am almost constantly in a state of stress. My anxiety spikes at absolutely random moments throughout the day, my sleeping schedule refuses to stay consistent, and as time continues on, it just feels like my depression continues to grow and the more it does, the more the suicidal thoughts come out...
I refuse to ever go through it, and will continue to refuse to, because I absolutely know all it will do is hurt people more than it'd hurt myself, and I just HATE hurting people, especially when I can avoid it. But it's just getting me worried, as I never really used to have these thoughts more than maybe, once in a blue moon, which would then just quickly pass. Since I moved though, 5 months ago, that thought has crossed my mind 12 times now, and each time left me in this emotionally dead state through most of the day. I just want to actually feel, well, happy, for once in my life. The fleeting moments of joy and the occasional smile are nice, but I'd like it to be a more consistent thing for me. I'm tired of constantly feeling down...
I think another factor in it all though is the fact that everything I enjoy doing, whether it is gaming, drawing, fursuiting, etc., just refuses to actually put me in a good mood anymore. Sure, sometimes I'll have a moment of enjoyment from a fun moment or intense section of a game that gets me truly involved, but at the end of everything, I just go back to the same, empty feeling as before, like that's all I have to do with my life, and it'll just constantly repeat or something.
I dunno, I feel like I may be rambling now, and to be fair I don't even know who's gonna read this, but to those of you who do, I just want to thank you for taking a few moments out of your day or night to read this over and can understand my current overall situation to some degree. After all, this isn't just a rant about my current emotional update, but an actual update as well :)
Thank you and have a great day.
-Sinny
I can't remember the last time we played Gran Turismo together...
I know everyone says this is normal and something you ought to be able to do, but it's actually pretty damn difficult? It can exacerbate latent mental health issues, or ones you thought you had under control, especially if you slip up and make expensive mistakes.
There's nothing wrong with admitting that this is hard and seeking help, whether it's telling your friends and family you're hurting, going to a therapist / getting prescribed medication, or applying for social welfare programs like Medicaid or food benefits (in the States and depending on where you live).