Warning: If your time is limited, you're best to ignore this for now, and await the next journal entry, which'll focus on my emotional state, and is far more important. I rather get your support then.
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As of writing this, I am back in Poland. I'll return to Strausberg in a couple of weeks, just to finish a few things, but this is basically the conclusion of that chapter of my life, and I felt like talking about it.

Around November 2007, when being dissatisfied with the college course that I picked, and how lonely I was feeling, I decided that I needed to turn towards computer graphics, and find a job in Germany, where I'd start a new life, close to one of my online friends.

It took several years, education at a few schools, until I finally had a Bachelor's title in IT, with some computer graphics qualifications. I landed a job at a small company, still working from Polish borders, earning crap, but hey it was a step forwards! I started looking for something better, less than a full year into it. It took over half a year, but I found a job in Strausberg.

It was an advertisement agency, I got myself an apartment, the pay was more than suited my humble needs, it felt great!

I had privacy, I had been earning good cash, things seemed chill for quite a long while. However around the time the 1 year anniversary happened, I started to slow down with all production on all fronts. I hadn't made a new review since coming here, I hadn't drawn much artwork since, etc.

At first I just called myself a lazy bastard, then I started making excuses, that I have a 45 hour a week job, so no wonder I'm so busy, however by the end I could not deny that the job was wearing me down. Constantly the same sort of tasks, with the same sort of complaints... having to deal with my boss, constantly hearing complains about the margins that I'm setting up, the font-sizes, the colors, and all that junk! At the same time, I was told that I am NOT allowed to listen to music on my headphones during work, or to watch videos, which just made work all the harder, because I couldn't have anything fun on the side to keep myself "alive" so to speak.

This meant that at work, I had 2 modes:
-bored out of my mind
-trembling in fear, cause someone critiqued my work in a harsh way

I reached a point where the part of my brain, which is responsible for me feeling self-hatred, was giving up! Literally, it felt like it was telling me: "Ya know, I should be telling you that you're a worthless piece of crap, but this job does suck, so ... I'm giving you a pass".

That's when I knew it had to end. I told my boss that I'm quitting, and now, I'm back with my family in Poland, with my current plan being to become a back-end developer.


I admit, a thousand things are going through my mind right now. Even if there's been more than a month of time, there was little room to breathe during all of it. I feel exhausted, and it's not quite going away.

I originally planned to give an explanation of what I'm feeling at the moment, but explaining where I'm coming from, and why all of this is happening seemed quite important as well, hence why I started with this first.

Soon enough I'll write about what's going through my mind right now. I'll see you then. Thank you very much for reading!