I'm not holding up well.

Last weekend, my neighbour died of cancer. I knew him a little bit, and it was a prolonged suffering. Last weekend was also the one year anniversary of my Aunt June's death. She was a very vibrant and forceful woman, who believed in me more than my mother did, and was taken by Alzheimer's after many years of suffering it, a decade, at least.

Zsofi, my cat, hasn't been doing well since last weekend. She's old and a very expensive vet bill confirmed that. I have a few more medicines to try. She might bounce back, she might not. She's been doing the low-energy, hiding behaviour that sick cats do, and has lost 2 pounds since she was weighed in December, or 1/4 of her weight. She and my mom have been in a race to quit this world first, and I think she's going to win.

My Mom, is fine. At least as fine as you are in the end stages of a disease where there has been no real change for over a year. Despite this, there are bi-weekly scares that her private nurse insists must be dealt with or she might die. So, have never really been able to switch off the worry regarding her for more than a week, for I guess 8 years now. Her Alzheimer's has been progressing and every time the phone rings I wonder if this is it.

I have to do her taxes and my taxes and don't want to, because it's a high anxiety exercise. I've been trying to get started all week. I will very likely get started today and then it will be over in a few days, but it won't be an enjoyable experience. Bills and Forms make me panic in a small way.

Then there's the job situation, where I _should_ be applying for some. Except it's very hard with all the "more important" explosions and death, and my _should do_ list is very long while the _enjoyable things happening to me_ isn't.

I'm also getting randomly blocked and banned, which shouldn't surprise me because I do it too and I have opinions that I occasionally express, as well as agree with people who more dramatically express theirs. However I'm confused to receive it from people I don't remember talking to, or only saying positive things to. It makes me wonder if I'm having demented drunken blackouts where I go on a rampage. In a sense, I feel I'm being gaslit by the world. There are responses to no action. I have no memory of things that seem to have happened, like reactivating old accounts. It feels like I've been hacked, that I'm under attack. Nothing has been compromised as far as I can tell, maybe it's dementia come to pile on with the Death and Taxes. It's another thing on the negative experience list.

So, not enjoying. Not very happy at all.