Hey guys...

I wanted to update y'all on some more stuff...

I made it to the store Monday, but I was only able to afford a 1/2 gallon of milk, and 2 gallons of water... I thought my SNAP Benefits would have already gone through, but apparently that won't be until later in the week, and I don't have a way to get to the store later in the week... I haven't been able to get to the Food Bank in several months, as my neighbor has had to work on the weekends. My cupboards are starting to get rather empty... I hate this feeling of being hungry. I don't have much of an appetite, since I started my newest pain medication, in November. And even when I am hungry, I often don't have the energy to prepare a meal for myself. I put together a short list of food items that are quick and easy to prepare, on an Amazon Grocery List. Sadly, Gluten-Free Food, is horrendously expensive, but I did find that it's a bit cheaper to buy on Amazon, than in the actual grocery store. If anyone would like to help me out, by buying me a meal or two, I would be so appreciative. I really don't like asking for help, but sometimes you just have to swallow your pride, and do what you need to do, to survive. Here's the link to my Amazon Grocery List: https://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/...../1AC5ZGO56KEIR

Now, I am also really struggling with my health, as you may have read, in some of my previous journals. My blood pressure has been really high, and so has my heart rate. Like my heart beats around 115-135 beats per minute, when I am lying down in my bed. This is causing me to become very dizzy, when I am sitting up, or standing, and on Friday, when my Ambulatory Collaborative Care Team, was here, helping me organize, and clean my house, I became so dizzy, that I fell. Thankfully, one of the gals caught hold of me, and I didn't crash to the floor, like I do, when nobody else is here. But this has been really concerning. I was supposed to have an Echocardiogram, on April 2nd, but I rescheduled it, for the 16th, because it snowed on the 2nd. As much as I would like answers about my questionable health, I decided to postpone the scan, in an attempt, to keep myself safe. Also, I've been feeling a bit more under the weather than usual, so I'm hoping, by the time the 16th rolls around, I will be feeling better.

I went to my Mom's again, on Monday... my brother and sister-in-law came to get ne, and took me over, so I could go through more stuff, and get it out of there. I was discussing things with my brother, who just kept shoving my chronic illness back in my face. I told him I was going down to Philadelphia on the 17th, for my Genetic Testing, and he kept asking me, what they were going to do for me, once they determined what chronic illness I have (Osteogenesis Imperfecta or Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome... or both). I told him that they would be able to treat the symptoms better, once they knew what they were dealing with. He asked me how... O.o" Sometimes, it's like talking to a brick wall! I told him that they would be able to find better medications, specifically tailored to my needs, based on how they can improve my quality of life. He said that Mom decided against going and having the genetic testing done, because she didn't feel that they could do anything to "fix" her. I don't expect anyone to "fix" me. But I'm half my Mother's age, and I would like to have a better quality of life! I told him, that as a person, who has never had to live with chronic pain, or illness, a day in his life, I didn't expect him to understand. But that I wanted a better quality of life. I don't want to sit on my couch, and waste my life, watching Fox News, like our Mom did. I want to be able to go out, and not feel like crap, every day. They can give me medications that will help to boost my collagen levels, and better medicarions, to manage my pain, once they can determine what will, and will not work for me, based on which illness I have. If I have Ehlers-Danlos, I will metabolize certain pain medications, more quickly, and they won't be as effective. If I have Osteogenesis Imperfecta, they can give me a medication, that will help to strengthen my bones, so that I don't end up with so many fractures. When I tried to explain this to my brother, he kept cutting me off, and telling me that he thought I was wasting my time. I don't consider it a waste of my time, to find out what my chronic conditions are, for certain, so that I can live a better life! He was like, "It's not my time, so I don't care... you do you... but don't complain about not wanting to go." I didn't complain about not wanting to go! I just said that I didn't want to go by myself, to a city that I'm unfamiliar with. I was going to tell him, that he only hears what he wants to hear, but again, it's like talking to a brick wall... he obviously has selective hearing, and only picks up, about half of everything I say. I told him what they would do for me, and then he said, "I was pretty sure you just said, 'I don't know!'..." Ugh! Talking to him is exhausting! I don't know why I bother. I thought he might care, since we're family, but he doesn't give a crap about me. All he cares about, is whether or not he can buy the latest new video game system, or remodel his house, some more (not that it needs it), while I'm struggling to afford groceries, and worrying about how I'm going to fix my roof! Oh yeah! It has been so windy here, that it has literally started blowing the shingles off my roof! I called my Insurance Company, to let them know what happened, and they were basically like, "Fix it yourself, because if it costs less than your deductible, you'll be paying for it, out of pocket, anyway, and you'll have a claim on your policy for the next 5 years." Uhmmm, I'm sorry, but isn't that what Insurance is for? So that you can get things repaired, when something happens? Why do we pay all this money, for something that we aren't even allowed to use?! It doesn't make sense to me! Am I the only person who thinks of these things? Geez! So, now, I have to find someone who can fix my roof, and when I told my brother about it, he was like, "Well that's what you get, for buying a trailer. It's meant to be mobile. It's not meant to just sit in one place. That's why they're called 'mobile homes'... that's why they cost half as much as as real house." Well, excuse me for not having money to buy a real house! I'm freaking disabled! It's not like I get overtime pay, or holiday bonuses! Jerk! There are days I'd like to punch my brother in the balls, but it wouldn't do any good. It would just make him hate me that much more, and I have much better things to spend my time, and energy on. Like living my own life. I feel like he and I have said all we can, to each other, and he has made it abundantly clear, that he doesn't care about me. I'm tired of trying, anymore. He isn't worth my time, or my precious energy, of which I have very little, as it is. I'll continue to pray for him, but I think I'm done trying to "make nice" with him. I'll be civil, as always, but why should I continue to try to cultivate a relationship with someone who doesn't give a damn about whether I live or die? He wouldn't care of I were homeless, or dying of cancer, so I'm done trying to make things "right" between us. I don't know what I ever did to him, to make him hate me so much, but he doesn't deny that he hates me. And he won't tell me what I can do, to "fix" things, between us. So, I'm not going to waste my time anymore. He doesn't want to help me, in any way, and he's not interested in being my brother, let alone, my friend. I wanted to make things work, for Mom's sake, but I know a lost cause, when I see one. It makes me sad, because family is supposed to be there for each other. But since our Mom passed, I have been utterly, and completely alone. I haven't even had a real chance to grieve the loss of her, because I'm trying to get everything moved out of her house, before he decides to throw everything away. I love my brother, and his family, but they have made it very clear, that they don't feel the same way. They have each other, for support, and I have nobody, but my online friends. Since I can't drive, I can't even visit my friends, across town. And they haven't even called to check on me, since Christmas... let me tell you, THAT is a lonely existence. I feel so alone, here. I just want someone to hug me, and tell me that everything will be ok, again, one day. But the reality is, that it will never be ok again... my Mom was my best friend, and she's gone. I miss her so much! 😔😢😭 I'm so tired of fighting... I wish I could just join her, in Heaven. But I know I have things that God wants me to do here, still... so I'll just keep going through the motions, until I've completed whatever it is He wants me to do. And then, I will gratefully give up this life, and move on to Eternity with Him...

Geez... sorry... that turned really morbid, I guess... I'm just really tired, guys.... I'm tired of being in pain, and being sick, and I'm tired of trying to live a life, where all the odds are stacked against me. And I'm tired of feeling so alone, all the time. My heart hurts, and not just because I'm having heart health problems... If you guys think of it, send a prayer (or good vibes) my way. I appreciate every thought and sentiment. Thanks so much for reading, and again, sorry for this turning into more of a rant, than an update. I just want to keep you all informed of what I'm going through, here.