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Update: Falling and getting back up
7 years ago
Wiping that old journal off, since FWA's been over for about a month.
I gotta say, Furry Weekend Atlanta is a helluva convention. Strongly recommend it. They also treated me really well, and I guess that's the point where it all starts to fall apart.
So, Imposter Syndrome is a huge bitch. You don't feel like you've earned the good shit you've got going for you, like you're an imposter and you're just waiting for the truth to come out, and the inevitable fall from grace. And in the presence of so many brilliant and wonderful people, it's even harder to ignore. In the dealer's room I felt like the least-prepared person there. In my panel on Transhumanism I felt like the dumbest person in the room, and it wouldnt be a stretch to say that the points brought up filled my usually optimistic head with doubts. I didn't feel like I deserved the spotlight. Still don't. Not even sure I ever have.
The whole thing left me shattered. In the weeks since I've been trying to pull myself back together, doing that self-care stuff, spending days unable to put pen to paper because I fest like my better days were behind me, or that I'd lost the spark. Quit a couple pen n paper RPG's my friends were running because I just couldnt get excited anymore. I still have a bit of trouble getting excited about stuff that normally puts the wind in my sails. Guess it's hard to be excited when you're not so confident in the future of humanity.
I'm doing a bit better this week. Good weather finally came, and I've been doing a bunch of writing to prepare for my big comic-like project, trying my best to ignore the nagging voice in my head that screams that I still don't have sufficient data to be doing good speculative fiction. I can't just sit back and wait for more knowledge, because there will never be enough. I need to move forward and get this stuff moving. Somewhere between all the commissions I still need to catch up on. Might move a little faster on my project if people sponsor my first few comic pages, but I'm gonna make it happen one way or another
So yeah, that's where I'm at. Fell down hard, crawling back to my feet. Don't know where I'd be without all my friends helping me get back on my feet, my art heroes giving me really good advice (Thanks Miu!), and the really cool peeps that keep me in business. Hopefully I can brush off this dust and start catching up with my heroes.
COMMISSIONS (the fullsize huge scenes, not the ones I'm doing nowadays)
1/ Rogern (inked, restarting colour)
2/ 9Lion (pencilled, plus one other)
3/ Mechaman
4/ Chazore (pencilled)
5/ yutrah (inked)
6/ rageki (inked)
7/ Twitch The Dragon (inked)
8/ Kipeo
9/ Opeoaslam
I gotta say, Furry Weekend Atlanta is a helluva convention. Strongly recommend it. They also treated me really well, and I guess that's the point where it all starts to fall apart.
So, Imposter Syndrome is a huge bitch. You don't feel like you've earned the good shit you've got going for you, like you're an imposter and you're just waiting for the truth to come out, and the inevitable fall from grace. And in the presence of so many brilliant and wonderful people, it's even harder to ignore. In the dealer's room I felt like the least-prepared person there. In my panel on Transhumanism I felt like the dumbest person in the room, and it wouldnt be a stretch to say that the points brought up filled my usually optimistic head with doubts. I didn't feel like I deserved the spotlight. Still don't. Not even sure I ever have.
The whole thing left me shattered. In the weeks since I've been trying to pull myself back together, doing that self-care stuff, spending days unable to put pen to paper because I fest like my better days were behind me, or that I'd lost the spark. Quit a couple pen n paper RPG's my friends were running because I just couldnt get excited anymore. I still have a bit of trouble getting excited about stuff that normally puts the wind in my sails. Guess it's hard to be excited when you're not so confident in the future of humanity.
I'm doing a bit better this week. Good weather finally came, and I've been doing a bunch of writing to prepare for my big comic-like project, trying my best to ignore the nagging voice in my head that screams that I still don't have sufficient data to be doing good speculative fiction. I can't just sit back and wait for more knowledge, because there will never be enough. I need to move forward and get this stuff moving. Somewhere between all the commissions I still need to catch up on. Might move a little faster on my project if people sponsor my first few comic pages, but I'm gonna make it happen one way or another
So yeah, that's where I'm at. Fell down hard, crawling back to my feet. Don't know where I'd be without all my friends helping me get back on my feet, my art heroes giving me really good advice (Thanks Miu!), and the really cool peeps that keep me in business. Hopefully I can brush off this dust and start catching up with my heroes.
COMMISSIONS (the fullsize huge scenes, not the ones I'm doing nowadays)
1/ Rogern (inked, restarting colour)
2/ 9Lion (pencilled, plus one other)
3/ Mechaman
4/ Chazore (pencilled)
5/ yutrah (inked)
6/ rageki (inked)
7/ Twitch The Dragon (inked)
8/ Kipeo
9/ Opeoaslam
but I can think of few people who deserve that praise more than you, dude <3
Why trying to "catch up" with your hero, why not going forward in your OWN path parallel of your Heroes but not exactly like them. Advance, learn, risk, be happy of your OWN merit and achievement.
The imposter syndrome could be coming from the fact that you try to be like your heroes and not be your self.
On any subject, there's always somebody that know more then you do (you could be also this person who know more for somebody else). Does it really matter in the end? No body knows everything on everything, the best we can do is to try to be OUR best.
You're a lot stronger then a lot of persons I've seen. You've fallen, even harder because of your self doubts. But you are now standing up, dusting yourself. Be PROUD of this, take a step and you may realize that you are not that far of your objective. Perception is a bitch sometime.
From my point of view you're a great artist, is there better, faster ... then you; most probably. Does it really matter in the end? Or what matter is to learn and grow ?
I've written more then I was originally wanting. I do hope some of this will help you (the one who read it right now).
Now move on toward your goal.
... at hiding their imposter syndrome.
Personally I just got to the point where I realized that being an imposter is actually working out pretty well for me so I just stopped worrying about it. Measure yourself against your own results and expectations, and not the superhuman amalgamation of everything good in all the people around you. You’re doing alright.
to Quote: "Because if Neil Armstrong felt like an imposter, maybe everyone did. Maybe there weren’t any grown-ups, only people who had worked hard and also got lucky and were slightly out of their depth, all of us doing the best job we could, which is all we can really hope for."
And yeah, as a fellow transhumanist, I get my faith shaken every so often. And it *is* faith, too, not so much over whether or not it's possible, since that's rooted in scientific knowledge, but whether we'll all live to see it. When that happens to me, I like to keep the above in mind, and go back to the sources that have given me hope in the past. There's plenty of good happening out there; you just have to look for it. Cause those negatively-focused news sources sure as hell ain't gonna deliver it to you.
That the difference betwee 'acting' a certain way and actually being that way is 6 months of dedication to it.
Something to chew on.
As far as transhumanism, this is pretty blue sky stuff. The human race has and will evolve. Our technology will be part of that evolution.
The people who succeed are not those who never fall down, but those that chose to get up one more time than they fall. What's important is you be the best you that you can.
And remember, in the grand, universal scheme of things, what you do has no affect on the universe, and even if it did, the universe doesn't care. So don't beat yourself up for some imagined standard.
If this is frequent or prolonged, it may be a sign on the onset of depression. If this is the case, go see a doctor for it. >^_*<
It's not about being accurate. Accurate is just a bonus. It's making a good story, and showing something about where we are now by delving into what we see when we look forward.
...i can't even begin, about how_much_times-THIS. Once you see that you have nobody to do stuff for (or worse: that thoose choosen by you aren't giving care about it) - everything feels blank, tasteless, even thoose thrills, you thought are part of your life spirit, which you will never loose. Sorta like scratching old match without getting a single spark.
Beyond that, you're a swell dude to chat with. As someone who knows nothing about transhumanism, just having the discussion is fun and interesting. What's funny about your cybernetic image, was how pleasant it was to discover the human behind it.
But at its farest reaches, you'll find it makes your decisions clear. After all, if 'it' were easy, wouldn't everyone do it?
Keep looking for your path.
If you can give yourself an answer to that, you've simply grown as a person and a creator. It's harrowing. But it's necessary sometimes.
Since I first ran across them I've always enjoyed your works and I'm impressed by what struggles you've gone through, you're a strong person.
Keep on goin onwards and upwards. You'll get yourself outta this funk. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just keep on doing the best you .can and sooner or later you'll start to feel better about it all. Best of luck to you and your endeavors!
What I'm trying to say is I don't think you should let yourself feel any less excited by those things that got you going than you ever have, simply because some of the people you met had different visions. It's in the combinations of the imaginations and visions of many different people that the true future lies. Even if your own vision was somehow disturbed by hearing and seeing what other people envision, instead of letting it shatter that vision entirely, instead try to absorb is and blend it into what you already had in your mind, and produce new possibilities and ideas to build on. The best thing about learning more about something is it expands that universe inside your mind into new places... if you let it. I trust you will be able to do so.
(Hopefully what I'm trying to say here isn't being taken as an insult or me being harsh; a lot of people tell me I'm too blunt or such and that's not my intention. I just feel that, if you're seeing and doing things new to you, and meeting people who you feel are smarter than you, then you should be the sponge, not the rock. Absorb everything, and expand yourself!)
You can make it!
You at least deserve the stuff you have, man; you've put in the effort, you've practiced, you've done stuff even when cramming in the old jobs and life upheavals and all that shiz, while people like me sit and go "I wish I could draw more/draw better" and not actually DO anything about it (well aware how guilty I am of that, heh. I get very stuck on 'It looks shit and I can't get it to look how it looks in my head' and crash out) So don't sell yourself short, ok?
I know this is just another post from some random guy on the internet, but I hope a little cheering from across the pond here may contribute, heh. As for the 'bigger picture' stuff, I'm in a similar kind of mindset. Right now I just have to focus on the here-and-now, try (and fail) to not look at the news and state of the world kind of nonsense and just focus on the day to day. Sometimes the mundane and things like cherry blossom and sunshine can really help as a focal point to ignore all the stuff you don't really want, or need, in your life.
Best regards, either way. Keep being you, man! :)
It's a weird kind of cognitive bias that doesnt really vanish even when you recognize and understand it. I know where my mistakes are in my art because I see them as I'm making them. I know exactly how much I work and it doesnt feel like enough in comparison to others. Even though I know those mistakes are missed by most, or that I don't see everyone else's downtime. I estimate myself on the low-end of things, probably because my attention is often on others who are better in their fields than me, or got a headstart on aspects like merchandising and whatnot. And even knowing that I'm estimating myself on the low-end, it doesnt do much to alleviate the feeling that I get too much credit for what I do.
Well, for what it's worth, you've been more than worthy of credit to me; when you did your streams and stuff and I'd hang around bugging you with all kinds of questions you took the time to answer them, took the time to humour a guy who was (and still is, kind of) just finding his feet and struggling to progress.
I get the measuring yourself against others, at least. I look at the guys I know and especially yourself and artists in your league, and I just think "How the **** am I ever going to measure up against that? I can't even get my lines looking neat and forget colouring right now!" Knowing that the likes of you, Chalo, Tkay + Funky and others still consider things 'not good enough' is on the one hand a little daunting and on the other almost a bit of a relief? Like, I know it's ok to feel that way about my art because other people have to deal with that too?
I suppose the above is a long-winded way of saying thank you for being open about stuff like this, thank you for being you. It probably sounds crazy but reading stuff like this, although clearly a struggle to deal with, does help put things in perspective and makes the whole art-verse seem that little bit more approachable, understandable.
For what that's worth, haha :)
Still, doing better, is doing better. Keep at it, you really are worth it.
I have severe anxiety (social and general both) and... It hurts to read how these people are acting like your problem is something you can just gut through or even get rid of, like it's not some sort of big daily struggle to just exist and do what you do, like you're somehow unaware of the stuff you do. It's the sort of struggle, daily, hourly, by the minute... that I'm way too familiar with. Not the same struggle, but close enough to parallel that I can't help but fucking wince at the unintentionally hurtful crap people are saying.
That said, I want to thank you for explaining exactly why Buzz Aldrin (most likely, anyway) punched that conspiracy theorist fuck in the face when he taunted him. Because having grown up around people of his generation and mindset, I can make a pretty solid guess that he immediately thought of his late friend Neil and how much shitheads like that tortured him just by existing.
(Also your art is amazing and I love it so hecking much!)