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There is some things going on
7 years ago
Its crazy to look back and see all my dramatic posts about life, emergencies and medical crap..and just over all not fun journal entries..but its been a great platform to just vent a little and open up to people who may care, have something to say, or just curious about what I'm going through in life...
I don't really care for pity, and I don't really like to seek out anything of that nature..but wow life..is just..handing me crap left and right. I know I am not the only person who deals with things and goes through hardships..by all means I am not saying that I am the only one..but sometimes it feels as if you're alone..
As most know I suffer from depression, anxiety and bipolar..all of which are professional diagnosed I don't just go around claiming to have these as some often do..(please don't do that..). Because of my mental illnesses that plague my everyday existence when things go bad..they go BAD..maybe even I react to things in such a huge way that normal people wouldn't react the same way? Its my brain..its something I can't help and I often question am I over exaggerating or is this a legitimate reaction? Its hell, its just pure hell living like this. Its especially worse when I am not on medication, which I've not been for a while due to some of the situations I've found myself in..but soon guys soon I'll be back to me and hopefully a more normal state of mind..or what's to be considered normal.
Now with all this said, I experienced a break with my boyfriend this year, which was unexpected and really hurt..I am moving on..and I am doing better from it..though I miss the companionship and closeness that comes with being with someone..I miss being able to kiss someone and love on someone and all things intimate..our relationship for the most part hasn't changed much we still talk and laugh and hang out but it is not the same, as to be expected.
But the biggest thing to happen this year is my sibling, my little sister..going back to doing pills again..putting her life in jeopardy and nearly dying..required hospital stays..no this isn't something new..she had this problem once before..nearly dying..doctors claiming she should be dead..to our mother..our MOTHER..Now I'd like to also add my sister is the mother to my beautiful niece..who's going on 8? this year..could be 9 but gosh I lose track of ages..now I'd like to add that this kid means more to me then so many people combined..I've spent so much time with her..she's a piece of my heart she truly is..
My sister got clean, she did..for a long time..then this year came..and it's gone completely outta control. My sister has had serious back problems and surgery to try and fix those problems, she even went to school she worked in the veterinary field..but sadly couldn't keep working due to the bad back problems..she required pain management..and this is partly why things went south for her. She fought for her SSDI/SSI benefits and had finally got them..lots of back pay money..and it was gone..all..gone..we're talking thousands..
She's made up stories, lied to me our mother..family members..she's gotten thousands from her father..she's possibly staged a few robberies at her home..the list is endless..making her family in depth as well..lies, denial, blame.
This is of course a very short summery of what I've been dealing with, what my mother has been dealing with..
My sister is giving up her rights as a mother, and refusing rehab.
My sister can die..and my niece is without a mother.
My mom feels she's to blame for her possible ensuing death..we can't force her to go to rehab..we can't go to the police as we have nothing but speculations..we can't do anything anymore..period.
Tomorrow is Mother's day, I sent my mom her favorite flower in a bouquet..Daisy's..she loves..Daisy's..I am probably going to be the only child of hers to do something for her for Mothers day. My sister is currently at their home, and she wants to leave for where she came from (she flew out with her daughter) tomorrow..on Mother's Day.
My sister doesn't want to be there, she wants to go back home..that's it..
I am hurting, I been sick to my stomach, nearly throwing up..anxiety ridden..unable to sleep..
My mom had to go to the hospital cause she got real sick, she threw up, she's been anxiety ridden..The amount of people this has effected has been just huge..and my sister doesn't even realize it..Can't express to you how much this hurts re-living and re-accounting everything I've been going through..and all the crap my sister has been bulling..this started in January.
I'm emotionally drained, and so hurt and disappointed. I don't want pity, or even don't mind if no one comments..this is a huge..well its a pill to swallow..I'm scared to even go near medicine because of how badly this has effected my family..and me..I've been thinking of ways to vent in art..and I can't barely handle doing any art when I am feeling so low..and I can't think or concentrate..I been trying to just avoid people and talking and just been zoning out to try and not think about everything going on. Its a DAILY update from my poor mother who can't barely keep up herself..she's hurt and upset..and trying so hard..she feels like she has failed..as a mother..I'm so far from my mom I can't afford to just get up and travel there and I feel guilty too.
I'm hurting, so much..so please forgive me if I've pushed you aside or I'm super touchy..I am dealing with so much right now..I lost one of my best friends last year, she was so young..Now I am losing my sister..and I could lose her to pills..she can die..its only a matter of time before she's either caught doing something bad..or she kills herself.
I am trying to make some adopts, to go towards paying for my medicine and the trip it'll take to get up there..that's a long story in itself..I am in Alabama my doctors are in Nashville TN so its a bit of a drive..have my reasons..phew..its just a mess right now..I feel incredibly alone in this..even though I know people have my back..it does only so much..I am alone.
I'd like to add that you please keep this off my Facebook if you're on my friendslist..
I don't really care for pity, and I don't really like to seek out anything of that nature..but wow life..is just..handing me crap left and right. I know I am not the only person who deals with things and goes through hardships..by all means I am not saying that I am the only one..but sometimes it feels as if you're alone..
As most know I suffer from depression, anxiety and bipolar..all of which are professional diagnosed I don't just go around claiming to have these as some often do..(please don't do that..). Because of my mental illnesses that plague my everyday existence when things go bad..they go BAD..maybe even I react to things in such a huge way that normal people wouldn't react the same way? Its my brain..its something I can't help and I often question am I over exaggerating or is this a legitimate reaction? Its hell, its just pure hell living like this. Its especially worse when I am not on medication, which I've not been for a while due to some of the situations I've found myself in..but soon guys soon I'll be back to me and hopefully a more normal state of mind..or what's to be considered normal.
Now with all this said, I experienced a break with my boyfriend this year, which was unexpected and really hurt..I am moving on..and I am doing better from it..though I miss the companionship and closeness that comes with being with someone..I miss being able to kiss someone and love on someone and all things intimate..our relationship for the most part hasn't changed much we still talk and laugh and hang out but it is not the same, as to be expected.
But the biggest thing to happen this year is my sibling, my little sister..going back to doing pills again..putting her life in jeopardy and nearly dying..required hospital stays..no this isn't something new..she had this problem once before..nearly dying..doctors claiming she should be dead..to our mother..our MOTHER..Now I'd like to also add my sister is the mother to my beautiful niece..who's going on 8? this year..could be 9 but gosh I lose track of ages..now I'd like to add that this kid means more to me then so many people combined..I've spent so much time with her..she's a piece of my heart she truly is..
My sister got clean, she did..for a long time..then this year came..and it's gone completely outta control. My sister has had serious back problems and surgery to try and fix those problems, she even went to school she worked in the veterinary field..but sadly couldn't keep working due to the bad back problems..she required pain management..and this is partly why things went south for her. She fought for her SSDI/SSI benefits and had finally got them..lots of back pay money..and it was gone..all..gone..we're talking thousands..
She's made up stories, lied to me our mother..family members..she's gotten thousands from her father..she's possibly staged a few robberies at her home..the list is endless..making her family in depth as well..lies, denial, blame.
This is of course a very short summery of what I've been dealing with, what my mother has been dealing with..
My sister is giving up her rights as a mother, and refusing rehab.
My sister can die..and my niece is without a mother.
My mom feels she's to blame for her possible ensuing death..we can't force her to go to rehab..we can't go to the police as we have nothing but speculations..we can't do anything anymore..period.
Tomorrow is Mother's day, I sent my mom her favorite flower in a bouquet..Daisy's..she loves..Daisy's..I am probably going to be the only child of hers to do something for her for Mothers day. My sister is currently at their home, and she wants to leave for where she came from (she flew out with her daughter) tomorrow..on Mother's Day.
My sister doesn't want to be there, she wants to go back home..that's it..
I am hurting, I been sick to my stomach, nearly throwing up..anxiety ridden..unable to sleep..
My mom had to go to the hospital cause she got real sick, she threw up, she's been anxiety ridden..The amount of people this has effected has been just huge..and my sister doesn't even realize it..Can't express to you how much this hurts re-living and re-accounting everything I've been going through..and all the crap my sister has been bulling..this started in January.
I'm emotionally drained, and so hurt and disappointed. I don't want pity, or even don't mind if no one comments..this is a huge..well its a pill to swallow..I'm scared to even go near medicine because of how badly this has effected my family..and me..I've been thinking of ways to vent in art..and I can't barely handle doing any art when I am feeling so low..and I can't think or concentrate..I been trying to just avoid people and talking and just been zoning out to try and not think about everything going on. Its a DAILY update from my poor mother who can't barely keep up herself..she's hurt and upset..and trying so hard..she feels like she has failed..as a mother..I'm so far from my mom I can't afford to just get up and travel there and I feel guilty too.
I'm hurting, so much..so please forgive me if I've pushed you aside or I'm super touchy..I am dealing with so much right now..I lost one of my best friends last year, she was so young..Now I am losing my sister..and I could lose her to pills..she can die..its only a matter of time before she's either caught doing something bad..or she kills herself.
I am trying to make some adopts, to go towards paying for my medicine and the trip it'll take to get up there..that's a long story in itself..I am in Alabama my doctors are in Nashville TN so its a bit of a drive..have my reasons..phew..its just a mess right now..I feel incredibly alone in this..even though I know people have my back..it does only so much..I am alone.
I'd like to add that you please keep this off my Facebook if you're on my friendslist..
Do you have anyone to lean on family-wise? Seems like your siblings are kinda out doing their own thing in the world.
Me and my mom are both talking a lot to each other, she needs my support as much as I need hers. As far as family, that's it..I am not real close to much of my family unfortunately. ;3;
Awww that's kinda adorable in a way. :) I understand not being too close to the rest of the family as mine was all too happy to break apart. Mom, Dad and sister are basically what's left. Anyhoo, cherish the times now with Mom and I guess the rest goes as it does.
Therapist wise, well..you gotta be careful..someone who isn't completely down-playing your feelings, someone who DOESN'T tell you what is right from wrong..its their job to listen and guide..not give complete advice just guide you..if someone is saying..that's wrong..or you shouldn't be feeling that way..its a sign that maybe they are not a good therapist? But they are suppose to care about your feelings, and let you freely vent out. Its their job to be a professional and be there to listen to you..even if its stupid to you its not..they are there to validate you.
And thanks again, seriously..its so nice to be reached out to..I don't like getting pity from people..but its nice to just be validated or even just talked to. Pity is kinda eh..it just feels forced so often..but to just have a conversation and knowing someone actually cares really means a lot.
My mom and my immediate family mean so much to me, so this situation has really just..hit hard.
I really like what you said about the therapist. Mom used to be my guide, but she also down played my greatest emotions lol. With what you mentioned and what I know, my search for a therapist should be successful. I had a really good one, but he retired long ago. Hopefully he rests well in retirement.
You are always very welcome. :) The point you made with pity makes sense after thinking it over a few times. Pity is more of a mechanical saying in polite society, but conversation like ours is more compassion?
I am struggling very very hard these days, and I don't say a lot anymore. Frankly, it's hard to emote, and that makes it hard to connect with people like I used to. However, I'll always be thinking of you and the others. Very real and very difficult situations are playing out every day, and every so often they end in triumph! :) Hopefully you will triumph too over the sad and the dark things too.
*nods* Consider yourself hugged. Situations like this tend to morph over time, but I think the little good moments will be sweeter with your love of these family members. :)
Did your mom get the Daisys she likes?
(The other comment timed out, and it was spelled very badly. I deleted it, fixed it, and reposted it here in this comment.)
My niece is going to be 9 this year, so she's getting up there! I'm the oldest of three kids at 31 and I can relate with what you're saying. Its so weird to see her growing up and seeing what she's doing, getting into etc. Remembering everything I've been through in such a short portion of my life, I've been through a LOT..and I would never wish it on anyone but its been a lesson that I don't take for granted. I always look at the past as a lesson, I try not to look at every situation negatively because even with the bad stuff there is good that comes out of it, even if we don't see it right away..your past really does shape who you are. If I'd hand down anything to both my nieces that'd be it. (the other is my brother's and she's just a wee baby)
My mom went to college for a few things..she changed her major..one was mental health and she learned a lot..I think if she went for it more she'd be great in that field but it didn't call out to her anymore and she's back to drawing blood. I believe that there is a LOT of good therapists out there but there is also a lot of bad and a lot of not so great..I was misdiagnosed when I lived somewhere previous to me finally starting this journey a couple years back..but then I finally found a psychiatrist and therapist that worked so good for me..but its also the company too..
I'm sure your old therapist is doing great in retirement, and much deserved at that. ~
Pity really is mechanical! Its like you just do it cause that's what you do? Its not bad bad..but its not sincere enough to me. Actual compassion feels vastly different..and that's what you've shown from the very first comment. ;3;
You're connecting with me at least, that's how it feels anyways and from the comments I'm sure you are like this with others as well..you seem like a very kind and caring person. I hide away a lot..and I tend to just not talk to people when I'm feeling low or overly manic..cause it makes me hyper but not in the happy way just really sad..sometimes angry..however its only when I am not taking my medicine..and I typically calm down when I have someone to help me calm down..though that's kind of currently not the case..I'm pretty "alone" in this right now. I have a friend here, but its not the same?
Thanks for the encouragement seriously, I know I'll get there at some point..it'll be okay..just gotta get through this mess..getting my meds will help immensely..wont make me a robot but will help.
She did get the daisy's and she loved them! She posted them on Facebook, they were withered at first cause she was out so long it was the first day my sister came in with her daughter..so she was gone when they arrived..BUT the next day they perked up some. I know they don't last forever but it still makes me happy. I may end up buying her planted ones or something she can keep a bit longer.
It's good that you are happy. :) Also, I agree with you whole heatedly. The past really does shape who you are. Before I got married, I could see it in the people I dated. It is good to help people to remember and grow. Hopefully your neices will take your lessons to heart. So often, the effectiveness of a piece of wisdom is derrived from two things: the sound nature of the wisdom and the willingness of the participant to live by the wisdom they recieve. Life is a coffee pot lol, sometimes the messages have to sit there and percolate a little before we are able to receive them. xD
Your mom is a wonder-woman! Phlebotomist and mental health student all wrapped into the same person. :3 It's good that she went with her heart in deciding her profession.
There are so many things I could talk about in reply at this point. xD Oh my brain. Overall, I'm happy that you think so much of me, and I have been described like that before so I guess it's true lol. I have..... hypersensitivity? Like, the little things that happen used to be (and sometimes still are) connected to strong emotions. A good thing, uninterrupted, would leave me happy for days, but if something awful happens I tend to feel deep grief about it. With time, I learned to ignore the strength of the feeling and kind of level out. I recognize what you mean about hiding away when you don't feel well. Unfortunately I think I cycle on and off about once a week when stressed, so it's a little hard on people when I talk and then go rest kind of abruptly.
Also, what you said makes sense. I'm kinda on the fence about the whole internet friend thing. The habit of mine is to treat online and offline folks the same, but for others..... online people and offline people aren't the same. Both have physical bodies, personality, hopes, dreams and such, but the offline friend you can interact with in a deeper way. Said differently, it's kind of hard for an online friend to go shopping with you or go play Frisbee lol.
I'm glad you are keeping your chin up, and I'm glad Mom liked her dasies. In this heat, they'll probably survive indoors near a window or outside in partial shade lol. The heat is absolutely melting my Elephant Ear plants. x'D
She's always loved being a phleb haha. She did it when I was younger, and I used to call her a vampire. I think as of right now she is taking a break from working, which I think is good for her too. She is such a good person, and cares about people so much..so I am glad she is there and able to help take care of my niece! Who is doing excellent, struggling with her mom not being there but she's happy..I love talking to her..she is so smart..love taking to my mom and helping her through things too. I feel lucky to have such a great mother.
I do think a lot of you, and as you said about being married I'm sure whom ever you're married to is happy to be with you too! I am actually a lot like you, I am very emphatic, I feel emotion very deeply..and well I am bipolar so that doesn't help matters at all..So I try and not like..let my emotions get the better of me but it can be very difficult when your brain is just wired that way. I have made some of the best friendships ever over the internet and far distances..some of my closest and best friends started online! Though I do have some physical friends too, they are now further out of my reach again..When one of my best friends passed last year, I was so grief stricken I couldn't concentrate and I was having such a hard time coping..and she was someone I met online..but because of my extreme opposites I was SUPER depressed from it and I am still having a hard time dealing..and coping..ugh brain! I don't often get to go out very much because of no physical people that live near me, even before I moved I saw my friends once a month at a fur meet...most of them lived fairly far.
Mom loves her daisy's she just posted another picture to FB of them, which made me feel good..The heat is killer right now..the humidity is making it worse too..We got a good storm through here and it helped for the time being then BOOM back to hear haha. We gotta get the good storm to get cooler, if it just rains on and off little spots..makes it miserable. ;3;
It's good to see the warmth you have for your family and the compassion your mom has for people. May her rest from phlebotomy give her the energy to do so much more good. :)
Thank you for the kind things you said. My wife and I mostly get along lol. She keeps me alive pretty much. As for your struggles with your emotions and how they sit at extremes, you hit the nail on the head. There's always a little tug-o-war between what we know and the feeling that's there. You do really really great though for things being as intense as they are. My newest close friend moved 3 hours away to San Antonio and another guy who kept me around mostly for short chats moved away to Washington and struggles with depression. He's a beautiful and honest soul with a great ear for grammaphones and wax cylinder players. I've seen our generation's prodigy s, they just don't stay too long. It's great to see them bloom though. :)
As for your friend that died, I totally understand. It's hard to get beyond the reality of physical death even with religion and stuff. A cute young thing with a pink fursuit killed herself back in 2014 and I still think of her although it was by accident that I saw a report of her death. Hopefully her friends are doing okay. May your friend rest in the happy peace that waits for us all even though it makes us miss them deeply. I'm glad you two found each other for the little while that it was possible.
That's cool your mum posted another picture of the Daisys. It really shows a deep appreciation for your gift and the beauty of nature. We just had storms today but it's been crazy hot and dry for this time of the year. The skies get so pretty and blue on those days though. I hear you on the spotty showers making things miserable. Nothing like nature's sauna lol! Anyhoo, wishing you peace and some decent rain to bring down the heat.