...typing this bullshit because I've been thinking. A lot. And the more I think, the more I want to spill it.

Okay so I haven't been fully honest with you all or myself. 6 months ago I created that journal about how I'm "done" with the fandom. Well, that hasn't been going so well. In fact it sucks. And here I am.

I was in denial. I thought I had lost what I knew about this fandom for so long, and I didn't feel the same way. Well that's a bunch of boo-hock. The truth is, it never left me. And I've just recently come to terms with what I love about this fandom and the fact that I was fooling myself. Nothing was wrong. To put it simply, I lost myself for a bit there and I'm slowly coming back to who I knew.

What finally put me over the top and sent me away from this place was my most recent relationship (which has since ended this past February). I was ultimately torn between this fandom and that relationship. I had to step away from this fandom, just because this person whom I dated at the time of my last journal was not too fond of this fandom. To be clear, I am not blaming them. But, I believe my relationship with them had something to do with my initial decision in "leaving". I put that in quotes because I don't believe I ever truly left the fandom or the fandom left me. It was always there. It IS there. And I believe it's always going to be there. There ya go. Now you know.

Granted I have had my issues with this fandom over the years, but I believe this period was what you would call a growth period. I had to get to know myself more and ask myself all of the hard questions about life while also trying to stabilize college, work and a relationship. Just as predicted, it all fell apart. These past few months have been some of the hardest turning points I've had in my life. The good news is, I am still in school and I'm still employed. So it didn't all crash and burn. I would even go as far as thanking my ex for giving me this opportunity of soul searching and swinging me back around to... here. Where I belong.

Interestingly enough, since I've had time to reflect and transform, every time I kept thinking about this fandom, the more I wanted it back. I do want it back. I want so much more out of it. So that's what I'm going to do.

I want to finally start experiencing conventions. I want to make things out of this fandom with what I have. I want to meet people muzzle-to-muzzle and build those relationships and hold them dear. I want to update my fursona, and eventually get a NEW and BEAUTIFUL fursuit made into him, who I created many years ago. I want to drink a Guinness and smoke a cigar under the moonlight, at Tonic Bar during Anthrocon. I want to share my life on here and through videos of my experience and the fun I have in this fandom. I want to inspire and love others, even if I don't know them. I want to do so much.

But most of all, I want to be me. I want to be Samson. The kittyfox that is loved by so many.
And being me... I am a FURRY! <3


If you got this far, thank you. But for those of you who would rather I get to the point, here it is.
Take away this one thing: Nobody can tell you who you are, except you. And what you have, no one can ever take away from you. If you're not sure about something, or if you're in denial, just bear up and do it. Be honest, especially with yourself. Don't hold back. Otherwise, you'll look back one day and wish you'd made that one little decision that could have changed everything. Thankfully I didn't miss that opportunity, and I don't regret a second of it. It was not time wasted, it was time constructed.

I want to thank all of those who have kept in contact with me over this time. Especially the ones who commented and sent me notes and PM's over these months just checking up or expressing their concerns on this transition in my life. It really means a lot. And I want you to know, it is because of all of you whom I have met, who made this fandom special and the main reason why I'm back. Something I will never forget for the rest of my kittyfox life <3

And now, onto a fluffy future!
- Love, Samson KittyFox (2018)