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Life update. Times have been hard, rewarding, and crazy...
7 years ago
Hi everyone. Thanks you in advance for taking the time to read this.
I apologize if this ends up extremely long. I'm gonna try and cover as much as I can, but this will be proly a couple years worth of typing.
So let's start with a little bit of my early life.
I grew up feeling that life would help you into anywhere you wanted to go. Seeing as how I'm now 25 and still stuck doing bullshit, I think life lied to me. If I could sue, I would. FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!!!
Music was a big part of my life early on. It helped me cope with feelings and thoughts. I didn't have the greatest childhood.
My parents divorced before I was 10. Ever since then it was kinda a down hill road it felt. I have a few memories of when I was young, but most of it is gone. It hurts a little. I'm not really all too sure how I coped with life, but I did.
Then around 14 I picked up guitar. My favorite band was (and still is Metallica) and I wanted so bad to emulate them. I wanted to be so good at guitar that I could play with them one day on stage. Crazy dream from someone so small. I practiced for years but never got anywhere as good as I'd like to have.
I think my gaming distraction (addiction, really) kinda kept me from being as good as I wanted to be. Honestly, my childhood wasn't fun and games were an escape to a place where I could be "someone". I wish I could go back and fix things. But that isn't how life works...
Music helped me with thoughts and helped me learn some things, but games provided an escape when things were bad (and they got bad quite often).
I lost my grandmother in April of 2007 to ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) and it devastated me and my whole family. She was literally the glue to entire family. The family may speak to each other still, but the togetherness just isn't there anymore like it used to be.
She pushed me to be better every day. She was my reason for moving forward. Once I lost her, I lost pretty much all of my motivation.
I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my entire life at her funeral. (I want to tear up now thinking about it...)
Life moves on and we have to learn to move forward without those we care for we've lost on the way. It's the hardest thing to do...
Maybe that's a little bit of why I stayed in games instead of music, because games made me forget while music just made me remember.
Time rolls forward and here I am today at 25 years old. I still wish she was around. I probably wouldn't be here if she was. I'd probably be wherever I wanted to be. Where I still want to be.
In 2013, I had my own place. Friends lived there too and we all had a blast. There were good times more than bad times, but bad was very bad... I had a Thrash Metal band I played lead guitar in. We were good, wanted to be better. We wanted the world, but not our drummer. Drummer was the reason we failed. We couldn't find another anywhere near. We all kinda gave up hope.
I stopped playing as often. It bummed me out. We kicked him out, but things just went south fast from there.
I moved and kinda became quiet, not wanting to talk or do much with anyone. I became a shut-in and just stayed at home and didn't want to see people. Life became very lonely. I'm still lonely even after having all of my close friends back in my life. My heart aches and wants what I missed and I can't get it back.
In 2016, I finally decided to go to college. I felt my music career dream was long since dead and so I decided to start my follow up dream of being a game developer. As school went on, I slowly reconnected with friends and I've since enjoyed every minute of being with them (although I still feel very much alone).
College went by and here I am 2 years later. I graduated with the Magna Cum Laude honors from Chattanooga State Community College on May 6th with a Computer Animation degree. Just about everyone of my friends showed up except the ones that couldn't make it. It made me happy. My family also showed up and for the first time since before my parents divorced, my mom and dad's side of the family got along and didn't fight at all. It made me happy to see them at the very least tolerate each other for a day.
Now I'm in the process of picking up pieces of my life and putting them where I need to. My biggest dream is to still be a musician that plays in front of lots of people. I don't even need the money. I just want the joy of seeing people enjoy something I wrote, that I play. There isn't a feeling like it anywhere else in the world except on the stage. I have a degree now and finding a job for it isn't easy. It's a competitive field. But I'm working on it.
There is also something I have been hiding from everyone, not sure if I should tell, but I want to because I've gotten to that stage of being open about life.
Growing up I had feelings that I didn't feel were normal so I kept them hidden. I felt I was the only one in the world to feel it, but now I see that people like me are everywhere.
I was born a boy. Around 2012, when I first came to FA, after doing some research on my feelings I grew up with, I discovered the term transgender. I have fought my mind to this day deciding on what to do.
In October 2016 I went to Planned Parenthood, who offers LGBT services, and got started on MtF Hormone Replacement Therapy. I've been living a "double life" since 2012 and it hasn't been easy. I've been afraid. Afraid I'd lose the people I've grown close to on here. I told a few of my friends I see every day in 2013 and have been trying to be a little more open about life since, but it has really been hard.
It wasn't until about the end of last year that I've been able to be open about my life. I've bottled so much in that it was hurting more and more to keep it in. I've told select people I meet about it, but so far everyone has seemed supportive of me. I even made a few good friends doing that. It makes me feel I can keep pressing on.
I wanted to tell people on FA for a while, but haven't had the courage to do so. I hope that I don't lose anyone I care about, because I love you all. This fandom has helped me a lot with life.
I hope everyone can forgive me for hiding this for so long.
And although I've been on HRT for almost 2 years, I feel as if I should stop. I've lived such a double life that it has come back to bite. I've built a life as male while building myself as female online for so long that I'm not sure which path to follow anymore.
I honestly wish I could just split into 2 people.
I haven't told my family because my family are very much traditional in pretty much a lot. My mom wants me to have kids (even though I have told her a million times that I don't want any and will never have one and I will not change my mind), my grandfather on mom's side is a bit (a lot) racist and sexist, my dad loves his first born son (me) and I don't think I could kill that image, my dad's parents are traditionalists and are very much so stuck in the old ways of life, and they are all Christian with a firm belief that the Bible is THE ONLY way to live.
I hate it. I hate every. Damn. Second of knowing this. It hurts because I know the moment I tell my family I'm trans, I will lose it all. And I have no where to go afterwards. I would be homeless if I tell so I hide it from them. And it hurts so much because I don't want to lose them. Maybe it's greedy or selfish, but I cherish those I've come to love. My family may not be the best, and I may be the black sheep of the family, but I do still love them. I was always a very emotionally strong person growing up. I feel so much. And sometimes I feel other people's pain. I can't even begin to imagine the pain I would feel.
Around mid-April, this pain I feel almost killed me. I went down by the train tracks that run through my stomping grounds and waited. Waited for about an hour on a train. I post on my facebook "goodbye" and left my phone and pocket contents in my car. I tried to get in front of the train, but it had just rained the day before and there was a small marsh-y patch between where I parked and the tracks and I didn't make it in time. I missed the train and death said not today.
It still hurts to think back on how close I was to ending it. I was very close. I just went back to my car and cried for hours. Several people were blowing up my facebook and phone and I didn't know what to do. I hurt inside and wanted to end it.
My life has been a nightmare for years and I push through it to see the light of day.
I still sort of struggle to get up each day, but I do.
My life from now on is one that I hope to forge the right way so that in the end, when I'm on my actual death bed I can look back and say that I was happy... Am Happy...
For now, I will push forward and greet each day as a gift.
To everyone who reads this through entirely, thank you. This was not easy to type.
I'm sure I will wake up and think of something I should have put, but this is a complete thought (and probably the most I've typed in a long while.)
So thank you.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being friends.
Thank you for caring.
I apologize if this ends up extremely long. I'm gonna try and cover as much as I can, but this will be proly a couple years worth of typing.
So let's start with a little bit of my early life.
I grew up feeling that life would help you into anywhere you wanted to go. Seeing as how I'm now 25 and still stuck doing bullshit, I think life lied to me. If I could sue, I would. FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!!!
Music was a big part of my life early on. It helped me cope with feelings and thoughts. I didn't have the greatest childhood.
My parents divorced before I was 10. Ever since then it was kinda a down hill road it felt. I have a few memories of when I was young, but most of it is gone. It hurts a little. I'm not really all too sure how I coped with life, but I did.
Then around 14 I picked up guitar. My favorite band was (and still is Metallica) and I wanted so bad to emulate them. I wanted to be so good at guitar that I could play with them one day on stage. Crazy dream from someone so small. I practiced for years but never got anywhere as good as I'd like to have.
I think my gaming distraction (addiction, really) kinda kept me from being as good as I wanted to be. Honestly, my childhood wasn't fun and games were an escape to a place where I could be "someone". I wish I could go back and fix things. But that isn't how life works...
Music helped me with thoughts and helped me learn some things, but games provided an escape when things were bad (and they got bad quite often).
I lost my grandmother in April of 2007 to ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) and it devastated me and my whole family. She was literally the glue to entire family. The family may speak to each other still, but the togetherness just isn't there anymore like it used to be.
She pushed me to be better every day. She was my reason for moving forward. Once I lost her, I lost pretty much all of my motivation.
I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my entire life at her funeral. (I want to tear up now thinking about it...)
Life moves on and we have to learn to move forward without those we care for we've lost on the way. It's the hardest thing to do...
Maybe that's a little bit of why I stayed in games instead of music, because games made me forget while music just made me remember.
Time rolls forward and here I am today at 25 years old. I still wish she was around. I probably wouldn't be here if she was. I'd probably be wherever I wanted to be. Where I still want to be.
In 2013, I had my own place. Friends lived there too and we all had a blast. There were good times more than bad times, but bad was very bad... I had a Thrash Metal band I played lead guitar in. We were good, wanted to be better. We wanted the world, but not our drummer. Drummer was the reason we failed. We couldn't find another anywhere near. We all kinda gave up hope.
I stopped playing as often. It bummed me out. We kicked him out, but things just went south fast from there.
I moved and kinda became quiet, not wanting to talk or do much with anyone. I became a shut-in and just stayed at home and didn't want to see people. Life became very lonely. I'm still lonely even after having all of my close friends back in my life. My heart aches and wants what I missed and I can't get it back.
In 2016, I finally decided to go to college. I felt my music career dream was long since dead and so I decided to start my follow up dream of being a game developer. As school went on, I slowly reconnected with friends and I've since enjoyed every minute of being with them (although I still feel very much alone).
College went by and here I am 2 years later. I graduated with the Magna Cum Laude honors from Chattanooga State Community College on May 6th with a Computer Animation degree. Just about everyone of my friends showed up except the ones that couldn't make it. It made me happy. My family also showed up and for the first time since before my parents divorced, my mom and dad's side of the family got along and didn't fight at all. It made me happy to see them at the very least tolerate each other for a day.
Now I'm in the process of picking up pieces of my life and putting them where I need to. My biggest dream is to still be a musician that plays in front of lots of people. I don't even need the money. I just want the joy of seeing people enjoy something I wrote, that I play. There isn't a feeling like it anywhere else in the world except on the stage. I have a degree now and finding a job for it isn't easy. It's a competitive field. But I'm working on it.
There is also something I have been hiding from everyone, not sure if I should tell, but I want to because I've gotten to that stage of being open about life.
Growing up I had feelings that I didn't feel were normal so I kept them hidden. I felt I was the only one in the world to feel it, but now I see that people like me are everywhere.
I was born a boy. Around 2012, when I first came to FA, after doing some research on my feelings I grew up with, I discovered the term transgender. I have fought my mind to this day deciding on what to do.
In October 2016 I went to Planned Parenthood, who offers LGBT services, and got started on MtF Hormone Replacement Therapy. I've been living a "double life" since 2012 and it hasn't been easy. I've been afraid. Afraid I'd lose the people I've grown close to on here. I told a few of my friends I see every day in 2013 and have been trying to be a little more open about life since, but it has really been hard.
It wasn't until about the end of last year that I've been able to be open about my life. I've bottled so much in that it was hurting more and more to keep it in. I've told select people I meet about it, but so far everyone has seemed supportive of me. I even made a few good friends doing that. It makes me feel I can keep pressing on.
I wanted to tell people on FA for a while, but haven't had the courage to do so. I hope that I don't lose anyone I care about, because I love you all. This fandom has helped me a lot with life.
I hope everyone can forgive me for hiding this for so long.
And although I've been on HRT for almost 2 years, I feel as if I should stop. I've lived such a double life that it has come back to bite. I've built a life as male while building myself as female online for so long that I'm not sure which path to follow anymore.
I honestly wish I could just split into 2 people.
I haven't told my family because my family are very much traditional in pretty much a lot. My mom wants me to have kids (even though I have told her a million times that I don't want any and will never have one and I will not change my mind), my grandfather on mom's side is a bit (a lot) racist and sexist, my dad loves his first born son (me) and I don't think I could kill that image, my dad's parents are traditionalists and are very much so stuck in the old ways of life, and they are all Christian with a firm belief that the Bible is THE ONLY way to live.
I hate it. I hate every. Damn. Second of knowing this. It hurts because I know the moment I tell my family I'm trans, I will lose it all. And I have no where to go afterwards. I would be homeless if I tell so I hide it from them. And it hurts so much because I don't want to lose them. Maybe it's greedy or selfish, but I cherish those I've come to love. My family may not be the best, and I may be the black sheep of the family, but I do still love them. I was always a very emotionally strong person growing up. I feel so much. And sometimes I feel other people's pain. I can't even begin to imagine the pain I would feel.
Around mid-April, this pain I feel almost killed me. I went down by the train tracks that run through my stomping grounds and waited. Waited for about an hour on a train. I post on my facebook "goodbye" and left my phone and pocket contents in my car. I tried to get in front of the train, but it had just rained the day before and there was a small marsh-y patch between where I parked and the tracks and I didn't make it in time. I missed the train and death said not today.
It still hurts to think back on how close I was to ending it. I was very close. I just went back to my car and cried for hours. Several people were blowing up my facebook and phone and I didn't know what to do. I hurt inside and wanted to end it.
My life has been a nightmare for years and I push through it to see the light of day.
I still sort of struggle to get up each day, but I do.
My life from now on is one that I hope to forge the right way so that in the end, when I'm on my actual death bed I can look back and say that I was happy... Am Happy...
For now, I will push forward and greet each day as a gift.
To everyone who reads this through entirely, thank you. This was not easy to type.
I'm sure I will wake up and think of something I should have put, but this is a complete thought (and probably the most I've typed in a long while.)
So thank you.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being friends.
Thank you for caring.
I for one am not going anywhere, you are and always will be one of my close friends here and despite not talking much for a while I still feel that way.
Just always remember I am here to talk any time you want to.
*gives a nice long hug*
(damn...)
*offers hugs*
I know I'm not a very good friend, or even if I'm considered one...
But if you ever need a shoulder or an ear, my door is always open.
The night is always darkest before the dawn. You WILL get through this and find what makes you happy.
I don't know you that well(I still need to add you on Discord, haha; it's been a while since I've used it), but if you feel the need to reach out, I'll lend a listening ear. :)
It does hurt a little that I was lied too and that you shut me out, but I understand your reasons for doing so and about your family. I am was in a similar situation. When I cam about to my mom that I was Bi she didnt believe me and resistanted me on it to the point she made me break up with the boyfriend I had at the time, I hated her for it to the point I did some pretty fucked up things to get her back at her, but a few years later she saw she was wrong and eventually accepted me the way I am similar with my Grandma and some other family members. Plus I have a few close friends that are Trans that have simalr parents to yours andto their suprise they whwre accepted for who they where. I am not saying the result will be the same but they are going to find out eventually so you may have to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with them. You may genually be surpised. One of those friends I mentioned her mom was always boasting about how tolerant she was and her father was old school Christian, well her mom freaked out and caused a lot of drama..her Dad just sorta nodded and just listened and pulled her into a hug and told her "Well I always wanted a daughter anyway" and told her he loved her so good things can happen.
And Its good to hear from you again Reina. I missed you and maybe we can get back to playing games online again?
-pulls you into a hug and holds you close-