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That thing that blows out cold air (Another vent!)
7 years ago
So, yeah. I'm not feeling all that great. Not in a physical sense, but in a mental/emotional one. I don't know who I am anymore. I get no enjoyment out of anything anymore. I just feel like I'm drifting through life on autopilot and I can't regain control. I'm just stuck in this cycle of lifelessness. I get up, go get coffee, take my friend's dog outside, turn the ovens on at work, go home, lay in bed, and go to work soon after. After that, I come home to a house full of noise, usually my dad yelling on the phone because he can't hear properly, my sister's 14 month old throwing a tantrum because she doesn't want to sleep, my husky howling and talking because she hears the baby and my dad and she's not in the same room as them, and my sister yelling over all of that because of the baby. It's honestly more stressful to be at home than it is to be at work. All I do at home is sleep and lay in bed with headphones on. Hoping everything will fix itself with me out of everyone's way.
Speaking of which, not at the coffee shop anymore. They haven't put me on the schedule in three weeks because, "It's stupid to put someone on a 5-hour shift. That means I'd have to pay someone else to come in and do your job after you leave." and thanks to my friend's dad moving, I have to be at their house more often to take care of their two dogs while they're at work or out doing whatever. (Why they even have dogs is beyond me.) That and I stopped taking my meds for that job. Both seizure and antidepressants because it made me sleep too late to be able to make it to the job. (On the meds I'd wake up about 9 or 10am at earliest, yet had to be at work at 5 or 6am, and had to be at my other job between noon and 4pm.) That and oh my god, people in the town I work in, CALM YOUR FUCKIN TITS! You are not top shit because you have more money than most people. Lol your shit stinks just like everyone else's, you just can't smell it cuz you wipe your ass with golden $100 bills. :) End rant.
Another thing, I don't know who or what I am relationship-wise anymore either. I don't know if I'm gay, bisexual, asexual, demisexual, anything. I can't see myself with anybody, but my mind puts the image of someone in there, because a big fear of mine is just being alone. I want to have people but I can never stay in contact and I always find some way to fuck it up. :) Man, being off of antidepressant meds for a job was a really bad idea. XD Even friendships though, when was the last time I held a full conversation with a close friend? Can't tell you, either they're the one talking or I'm the one changing the subject because I can't think of a good way to reply to their statements.
Another thing that crossed my mind is that I have nothing more to look forward to. I don't have any trips planned, (probably end up fucking up the plans on that, though) no big goals to try to reach and achieve, and I have a dead end job. There's literally no upper position to what I'm doing, so I'm stuck here until I can find something better. But how will I do that? I have like no decent education worth mentioning, I went to trade school for gems and jewelry, but I also left a job in that field for my current one. So when I go into my next interview if there is one, what do I tell them for the reason I left the jewelry store? Oh, I left for more money while technically lying about the severity of a non-work related long-term injury? Yeah, that'll get me hired. I'm literally nothing special, nothing sticks out about me that would make people want to hire me. Education? That's a joke. Experience? Nope, not good enough. The person that will get the job is the person sucking enough dick for their supervisor to get their dick sucked on the side, and I can't do that. I try my best to do everything within my morals (which are pretty loose morals to accommodate most people and situations) but still. It's like, I'm not going to knowingly serve undercooked, raw, or spoiled food to the public without saying something to management or higher. However, when you're threatened with your only means of income being taken away, you do it anyway. (That actually happened, btw. That's a story for another day, though.)
Lol all I'm doing is complaining. Lots of people have it worse, I'm just over here being a little whiny bitch, right? There are kids starving in Africa, people without clean water in Michigan, earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes, etc. and I'm over here complaining about my personal mental health.
TL;DR
Depression sucks but I'm just a whiny little bitch and it's apparently okay to do shady things if your job is threatened. :)
With love,
AnthemTheMalamutt
Speaking of which, not at the coffee shop anymore. They haven't put me on the schedule in three weeks because, "It's stupid to put someone on a 5-hour shift. That means I'd have to pay someone else to come in and do your job after you leave." and thanks to my friend's dad moving, I have to be at their house more often to take care of their two dogs while they're at work or out doing whatever. (Why they even have dogs is beyond me.) That and I stopped taking my meds for that job. Both seizure and antidepressants because it made me sleep too late to be able to make it to the job. (On the meds I'd wake up about 9 or 10am at earliest, yet had to be at work at 5 or 6am, and had to be at my other job between noon and 4pm.) That and oh my god, people in the town I work in, CALM YOUR FUCKIN TITS! You are not top shit because you have more money than most people. Lol your shit stinks just like everyone else's, you just can't smell it cuz you wipe your ass with golden $100 bills. :) End rant.
Another thing, I don't know who or what I am relationship-wise anymore either. I don't know if I'm gay, bisexual, asexual, demisexual, anything. I can't see myself with anybody, but my mind puts the image of someone in there, because a big fear of mine is just being alone. I want to have people but I can never stay in contact and I always find some way to fuck it up. :) Man, being off of antidepressant meds for a job was a really bad idea. XD Even friendships though, when was the last time I held a full conversation with a close friend? Can't tell you, either they're the one talking or I'm the one changing the subject because I can't think of a good way to reply to their statements.
Another thing that crossed my mind is that I have nothing more to look forward to. I don't have any trips planned, (probably end up fucking up the plans on that, though) no big goals to try to reach and achieve, and I have a dead end job. There's literally no upper position to what I'm doing, so I'm stuck here until I can find something better. But how will I do that? I have like no decent education worth mentioning, I went to trade school for gems and jewelry, but I also left a job in that field for my current one. So when I go into my next interview if there is one, what do I tell them for the reason I left the jewelry store? Oh, I left for more money while technically lying about the severity of a non-work related long-term injury? Yeah, that'll get me hired. I'm literally nothing special, nothing sticks out about me that would make people want to hire me. Education? That's a joke. Experience? Nope, not good enough. The person that will get the job is the person sucking enough dick for their supervisor to get their dick sucked on the side, and I can't do that. I try my best to do everything within my morals (which are pretty loose morals to accommodate most people and situations) but still. It's like, I'm not going to knowingly serve undercooked, raw, or spoiled food to the public without saying something to management or higher. However, when you're threatened with your only means of income being taken away, you do it anyway. (That actually happened, btw. That's a story for another day, though.)
Lol all I'm doing is complaining. Lots of people have it worse, I'm just over here being a little whiny bitch, right? There are kids starving in Africa, people without clean water in Michigan, earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes, etc. and I'm over here complaining about my personal mental health.
TL;DR
Depression sucks but I'm just a whiny little bitch and it's apparently okay to do shady things if your job is threatened. :)
With love,
AnthemTheMalamutt
Wouldn't say you're just a whiny bitch, more like shit be happening. A lot of shit.