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The hard truth about mental illness... A rant
7 years ago
General
I've been told that starting to journal will help me heal from the past. I hope they are right.
I am bipolar, Pure O OCD, ADD/ADHD, have C-PTSD, and possibly RAD. I am working on my masters with a focus on Child and adolescent development, with the hope of unraveling my past. This is because all my crying out for help, has gone unanswered. I've even been told by a long time practicing psychologist that I am too complex for anyone in my area.
In the last... 6 months. I've been told I am lying about my past by several people. I've been ghosted by several others, because "I'm too much to handle" Some were friends, some were family. Some, I mistakenly fell for. I have almost no friends because I'm allergic to alcohol and people think I am lying. I watched someone who I've called my sister for 8 years hit on the boyfriend I live with... because I believe she is jealous that I can have two men that don't beat me, cheat on me, or give me stds. And she can't keep ANY guy for more than a week.
I've found out my back is basically fucked, not even 30 and I have arthritis and bone spurs in my back, my legs are different lengths. I have to see a chiropractor 3 times a week for 18 weeks to get it fixed... costing my $750 when I don't have a job. Plus another $375 for the insoles to correct the leg differences. I'm failing my class because I can't get in control of my emotions. When I try to tell my psych doctor this, I get disregarded, even mocked sometimes.
The boyfriend I don't live with, has been more supportive and patient with me than anyone else I've ever know. He deserves a medal for this shit... yet, because of how many times I've been hurt by people I've trusted. I have moments, where I doubt its real... "Its too good to be real" my brain says... "He just stays with you because he pities you" It yells at me. "The bitch is right, no one will ever love you. You are undeserving of any love. You don't know how to stop annoying people. You don't know when to shut up. You wouldn't know love if it bit you in the face." I know that's false. But my brain betrays me, I'm scared of everyone. I have to study every interaction I have with every person, in the hope that I can see when its time to run, so I don't get hurt anymore. And... I hate it. I just want to live, I just want to be happy. I want to love and be loved.
My past eats at me, on a daily basis. The words of the past, echoing in my head. Some days, they don't affect me. Some days, they feel like cinder blocks tied to my ankles and life threw me overboard and sped away.
Some days, I am happy and content with my life, others, I hate who I am, I hate who I've been. Some days, I am just so tired of struggling to keep my head above water while I watch people around me hope that I drown, but pretending to offer a helpful hand.
So... this is my journal before I go to bed. Hopefully after awhile of doing this. I'll have something, anything figured out. Goodnight/morning all.
I am bipolar, Pure O OCD, ADD/ADHD, have C-PTSD, and possibly RAD. I am working on my masters with a focus on Child and adolescent development, with the hope of unraveling my past. This is because all my crying out for help, has gone unanswered. I've even been told by a long time practicing psychologist that I am too complex for anyone in my area.
In the last... 6 months. I've been told I am lying about my past by several people. I've been ghosted by several others, because "I'm too much to handle" Some were friends, some were family. Some, I mistakenly fell for. I have almost no friends because I'm allergic to alcohol and people think I am lying. I watched someone who I've called my sister for 8 years hit on the boyfriend I live with... because I believe she is jealous that I can have two men that don't beat me, cheat on me, or give me stds. And she can't keep ANY guy for more than a week.
I've found out my back is basically fucked, not even 30 and I have arthritis and bone spurs in my back, my legs are different lengths. I have to see a chiropractor 3 times a week for 18 weeks to get it fixed... costing my $750 when I don't have a job. Plus another $375 for the insoles to correct the leg differences. I'm failing my class because I can't get in control of my emotions. When I try to tell my psych doctor this, I get disregarded, even mocked sometimes.
The boyfriend I don't live with, has been more supportive and patient with me than anyone else I've ever know. He deserves a medal for this shit... yet, because of how many times I've been hurt by people I've trusted. I have moments, where I doubt its real... "Its too good to be real" my brain says... "He just stays with you because he pities you" It yells at me. "The bitch is right, no one will ever love you. You are undeserving of any love. You don't know how to stop annoying people. You don't know when to shut up. You wouldn't know love if it bit you in the face." I know that's false. But my brain betrays me, I'm scared of everyone. I have to study every interaction I have with every person, in the hope that I can see when its time to run, so I don't get hurt anymore. And... I hate it. I just want to live, I just want to be happy. I want to love and be loved.
My past eats at me, on a daily basis. The words of the past, echoing in my head. Some days, they don't affect me. Some days, they feel like cinder blocks tied to my ankles and life threw me overboard and sped away.
Some days, I am happy and content with my life, others, I hate who I am, I hate who I've been. Some days, I am just so tired of struggling to keep my head above water while I watch people around me hope that I drown, but pretending to offer a helpful hand.
So... this is my journal before I go to bed. Hopefully after awhile of doing this. I'll have something, anything figured out. Goodnight/morning all.
